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AIBU?

I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?

149 replies

Empross76 · 26/01/2013 18:12

I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.

OP posts:

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monkeyfacegrace · 27/01/2013 12:26

Oh ffs, again, how ridiculous.

I work full time as a mother thanks. Unpaid, but still full time work.

I also own a home independantly, as does he, so no, Im not in a vunerable position should he leave.

Concentrate on the op, not pulling me apart on incorrect assumptions.

NumericalMum · 27/01/2013 12:43

I have read of parents who weren't both on board and had a baby anyway. The one who didn't want the baby would co e out with phrases like "well you wanted the baby so you deal with it." Things like that can be harmful for a child long term.

My dad was an unwanted child. His mum used to often blame his dad in front of him. He still remembers now. Very sad.

I always said I wanted 3 kids. after one I am struggling to think about having two and I am grateful my DH doesn't hold me to my pre-DC naivety to be honest!

Bunbaker · 27/01/2013 15:22

"I have read of parents who weren't both on board and had a baby anyway. The one who didn't want the baby would co e out with phrases like "well you wanted the baby so you deal with it." Things like that can be harmful for a child long term."

That has happened to two women I know. In both cases they wanted a child and their husbands didn't. They went ahead anyway and both husbands just didn't want the responsibility of bringing up a child and did a runner.

carabos · 27/01/2013 16:03

A friend of mine has all but destroyed her marriage by having a third child her husband didn't want - and yes, she lied to him to get it.

He can't get past the deception, she thinks "he needs to grow up, what did he think was going to happen?" - she means that he should have realised that when she said she wanted another baby, she meant "I'm having another whether you like it or not".

She's planning to leave him in a year or so when she has built up her business sufficiently to ensure her independence. He is in turmoil because this is lose/ lose for him.

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 16:21

Why didn't her husband use contraception himself then? Bit confused on that one!

Bunbaker · 27/01/2013 16:24

"Why didn't her husband use contraception himself then? Bit confused on that one!"

Perhaps he did and the wife sabotaged the condoms by sticking pins through the packets.

carabos · 27/01/2013 16:29

RedHelen it's not as simple as that though is it? Usually in a marriage conversations about contraception are held and decisions made which are jointly agreed. To then use a condom would be to say "I don't trust you" and he had no reason to mistrust her. Just because she said she wanted another baby isn't enough to jump to "Ah well in that case I must use a condom in case you, my wife who I love and who I believe loves me back, is actually someone who would deceive me to get her own way about something that will change my life forever" .

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/01/2013 16:33

OP

Do you think this yearning is just because your youngest is 2, and coming out of the baby phase? I wonder whether it will subside when you realise how nice it is with two slightly older children.

As a slight aside, It seems to me that some women seem to love the pregnant/baby phase so much they just keep having children to fulfill that. Which, IMO isn't always fair to the children they have, who are going through tricky things at school etc.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/01/2013 16:37

PS

Obviously i am a bit biased because i didn't absolutely love the baby phase....

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 17:36

I disagree - I think if a husband is definite he wants no more children then he should have the snip!

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 17:38

Men need to take responsibility too though - why should the contraception fall on the womans shoulders when she is the one who actually wants a baby. the

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 17:41

I think it can suit men to turn round & say they don't want to have children after the event & that they were tricked into it.

FWIW - I couldn't have a baby knowing that it's father hadn't planned it with me BUT my baby still didn't see his dad for a year because he decided the grass was greener elsewhere & decided the day to day business of being a Dad was no longer important to him in his new life.

Dromedary · 27/01/2013 17:43

I had a friend who became very broody for a third child. Eventually she settled on a dog - which as a puppy needed lots of caring for - and has not felt broody since. And the children love the dog too.

pumpkinsweetie · 27/01/2013 17:53

I agree with RedHelen, in instinces of the male wanting no more children, he should take sole responsibilty for contraception, either the snip or buying and putting on his own condoms. That way no-one can be tricked into anything that they haven't themselves contributed too.

MummyPig24 · 27/01/2013 18:02

I am desperate for dc3 but Dp is not totally on board, he is more practical than me. We have ds who is 5 and dd who is very soon to be 3, they already share a room as we have a 2 bed (rented) house.

We are getting married in 10 weeks and then saving for a deposit on a house. I am currently a sahm, we are 25 and 26 so we have time on our side.

I would really like to have dc3 next year, then go back to work. The way I see it is that the years they are little they will remember the fun times sharing bedrooms and all growing up together. We have enough money to eat well, albeit on a budget, ds is able to do a football club one night a week and dd goes to a private preschool for 2 mornings. Every now and then we go swimming or on a day out. We sacrifice things for ourselves so that the children don't go without.

I feel that having dc3 now would be great. By the time they are old enough to care about "things" and sharing rooms I will be back at work and dp works hards so will hopefully have progressed up the ladder.

Dp worries about them sharing rooms and needing a bigger car but has said he would like dc3. I know we probably sound mad but the pull of my womb is strong!

Bluegrass · 27/01/2013 18:10

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2013 18:18

RedHelenB

It can also suit women to have a "happy accident"

and as has been pointed out, after you have had the discussion about another baby and contraception how would you feel if your partner suddenly started wearing condoms?

ComposHat · 27/01/2013 18:23

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked

^^This.

If you can't make a decision together about contraceptives and trust your long term partner, then it then the marriage as you so succinctly put it is fucked.

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 18:35

I would think that he was serious about not having another child Boney!!!

Even if the woman was using the coil, pill etc there can be accidents, wearing a condom eliminates the risk further

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 18:37

It's funny but I stopped feeling broody after I had my third but was incredibly broody almost as soon as dd2 was born!!

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2013 18:45

I suspect that you are in a minority.

thebody · 27/01/2013 18:45

ComposHat agree totally with that post.

There's no compromise. We have 4 and dh would have had more.

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pumpkinsweetie · 27/01/2013 18:51

The reason i said the male should be responible in these situations is mainly because it saves the woman being blamed incase an accident is genuinely made-it does happen.
And because it is he who has made the ultimate dicision, why should the wife pump herself full of hormones for the rest of her life when the husband could protect himself through having the snip or through buying & putting on his own condoms.
It also stops false hope for the wife and any hope of him changing his mind.

Obviously if trust is an issue then maybe its best to go separate ways

shesariver · 27/01/2013 18:53

monkey no not an "odd" assumption at all, just based on the amount of women I have seen struggle as their kids grow up, and Im not necessarily talking about it taking as long till they are adults either. Usually people who have lived their lives through their children a to a certain extent.

balia · 27/01/2013 20:09

What bluegrass said.

In my case, it is DH who wants more children, not me. Should it be my responsibility to 'make sure' by having an op because otherwise I'm just not 'serious' enough about not wanting to have a baby?

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