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Original poster

I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?

149 replies

Empross76 · 26/01/2013 18:12

I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.

OP posts:
oliversmum101 · 26/01/2013 22:45

This is a current sore point in our house we already have DS1 who is nearly 6 and two years ago I got pregnant again but sadly miscarried and then DH decided he wasnt sure if he wanted anymore children! It is a very difficult situation and there is no easy answer but it is something that you need to talk to your OH about and make them aware of how you feel.
I often have the feeling that someone is missing and wake up in the night looking for my 'other' child who isn't there.
Time is running out for me as I am 38 this year so it is make or break I know that if we just stick with the one it is financially better as we have a small house not much room but emotionally I still want another one and still get upset.
No matter how many children we already have and no matter how much we love them the realization that we may not have anymore can for some be very hard to come to terms with so I do sympathize with your situation.

Whatsthatnoise · 26/01/2013 23:56

I'm also in the same situation but with only one child my dd is 4 she has some additional needs nothing too serious but enough to make us take stock. About a year ago I told my partner that i wanted another but unfortunately he wasn't sure, it has got to the stage that I find myself pricing prams and crying when someone else has a baby. I don't know what the answer is and I'm very lucky I do have time on my side just about to turn 30. I hope he will change his mind and occasionally he says things that make me think he is reconsidering but nothing concrete. It definitely helps that our daughter has started asking for a little sister Grin

ComposHat · 27/01/2013 00:04

Ive never met a family regretting having the third/fourth. You just dont wish that little person never existed

That is a lovely sentiment but quite blinkered. imo.

of course the child. would be loved. But if it puts a strain on the family budget or makes one or both of you have to work all the hours that god sends or the house intolerably crowded., than it will have a negative effect on the existing family.

monkeyfacegrace · 27/01/2013 09:12

Ok, so I was a bit pissed last night!

I can only talk about my situation however.

Yes, I would sacrifice my DH for my kids. I adore him, he adores me, but I grew my children, and nothing and nobody comes before them.

And reversing the situation, if a woman really didnt want children, Id expect her to have a coil/pill/implant, not just rely on condoms.

My situation is that Im a SAHM. I have no career/childcare costs. I have a few cars, one being a 7 seater, and we own a large home. In my situation, we dont need to consider loss of my work/childcare/space etc. Not saying its the same for everyone, but I can only speak for myself.

Now, if DH REALLY didnt want more, he would have the snip. He is a grown man capeable of making his own decisions. He just knows me too well, and grins at me when he says he may as well quit arguing now Grin

I dont force him into bed.

And he is a wonderful father, yet I do all of the day to day care. So really, the babies are my responsibility. Toddlers and children he is awesome with, but Im the one who gets up in the night, feeds, bathes, and meets a babies needs.

So, although I put it uber badly in my drunken state last night, I still kinda stand by OUR situation.

WillSingForCake · 27/01/2013 09:24

OP I'd be worried about the fact you're not currently saving anything, and that you tightly budget. How would you afford a third? Would your existing children have to go without things?

Monkey sad that you and your partner can't trust each other when it comes to contraception. Tricking or manipulating someone into having a child is an awful thing to do.

Good luck OP, hope you and your partner manage to resolve your differences.

Bluegrass · 27/01/2013 09:47

"Yes, I would sacrifice my DH for my kids. I adore him, he adores me, but I grew my children, and nothing and nobody comes before them."

Except of course that if you were prepared to trick your partner into having a baby they didn't want you would be putting your own desires before your children (especially if the family split up as a result of that deception). You would get to dwell on that at length while the house was empty as your kids were off staying with their father!

Suggesting that the lifelong responsibility of fatherhood amounts to just "providing the spunk" was one of the more unpleasant and depressing sentiments I've read on here for a while.

Bunbaker · 27/01/2013 09:52

"Yes, I would sacrifice my DH for my kids. I adore him, he adores me, but I grew my children, and nothing and nobody comes before them"

What an odd sentiment. My husband and daughter are equal in my eyes. I wouldn't and couldn't put one before the other.

monkeyfacegrace · 27/01/2013 09:55

I have never tricked my dh into a baby btw.

IWantAnotherBaby · 27/01/2013 10:02

I am in the same boat; 2 DC; DS is 9 and DD is 5. I will be 40 this year. DH and I discussed this shortly after DD was born, when I had quite a lot of debts. DH agreed that when I had paid off all my debt, we could have another DC. So I worked bloody hard, returned to full time work, took extra work etc, and paid it off quickly. DH was very impressed, and a little shocked at the rate at which I managed it. And now he doesn't want another baby.

I feel utterly betrayed and resentful. He constantly wants sex, but not a baby. And yet he has not pressurised me to get rid of all the baby kit and we are still storing the cot and other bits and pieces, so maybe (I hope) he is a bit more ambivalent than he admits. We struggled to conceive the other two, so there is no guarantee we'd succeed again anyway, but I want to try.

DS and DD keep asking for us to have another baby, and I have to smile and say we're not going to, when frankly, it is all I want and all I can think of. Ultimately I do not think I will be able to forgive DH for the broken promise, and it has massively changed how I see him. I resent him enormously, and I worry that it will eat away at me until it splits us up. I have not said this to him, as I think he would see it as manipulative, but he knows how much I want another child.

There is no solution, as far as I can see. I will just have to deal with it, or not, and my marriage may or may not survive it. Ugh.

RedHelenB · 27/01/2013 10:05

Empross - you need to find out exactly WHY your dh doesn't want more. With my ex he didn't want them close together & he wanted me to learn to drive so all that didn't fall on his shoulders which was fair enough. We did end up splitting up though & my last child barely knows him, despite being planned & wanted as other events took over. All I know is that I would have felt VERY cheated of having another child if he had been adamant that he just wanted 2 & then gone off with someone else.

SnakePlisskensMum · 27/01/2013 10:10

I agree with MonkeyFaceGrace over that sentiment actually....I adore my husband, he is my best friend and soulmate too but my love for him is 'conditional' I.e. if he cheated or murdered someone, maybe, I wouldn't love him so much. I would always love my kids. Fact. I might not like them sometime but I'll always love them.

SnakePlisskensMum · 27/01/2013 10:11

Sorry, off topic

FreudianLisp · 27/01/2013 10:15

OP, I feel for you but don't really have any answers.

We have two-year-old twins. Pre-kids, husband was the broody one, I was on the fence but agreed to try. IVF achieved our gorgeous boys. I've had a complete personality transplant and now love my kids more than anything. Husband was so overwhelmed by the demands of twins that he doesn't want more. You can't always predict how you'll feel about being a parent until you become one.

Now I desperately want another child. And we have an embryo in the freezer at the IVF clinic. We can afford another child. But he just doesn't want to. I'm 40 and he's 41 so we don't have time to waste.

I don't have an answer to all this. I wish I did. Every day I think about that embryo.

Bunbaker · 27/01/2013 10:19

Would you feel differently if the embryo wasn't there?

FreudianLisp · 27/01/2013 10:21

No I wouldn't. I'd still desperately want another child.

maleview70 · 27/01/2013 10:28

If he doesn't want any then you can't force him.

I don't want any more and I feel like I am constantly being punished for that despite setting this out when we got together.

shesariver · 27/01/2013 10:50

Im a good wife, but my children rely on me to fend for them, provide for them, love them. Nobody will come in between me and my children. Nobody

Good luck when they grow up and become more and more independent, something tells me this wont be easy for you!

EuphemiaLennox · 27/01/2013 11:05

We have 2 children. I wanted another DH didn't.

DH is older than me and felt too old for more babies. I understood this and accepted it.

I still dream of being pregnant, still have the baby stuff in the loft, still imagine a life with 3 and can still be found on baby name threads. My children are 13 and 10ys and I'm 43. It ain't happening.

I made a pact with myself however that much as I would have liked this other imaginary or ideal family I have in my head, I would never let it stop me for a moment enjoying loving and appreciating the actual real wonderful family I have.

A third would have been lovely, but 2 children and a lovely husband is such an incredible amazing thing to have I refuse to feel sad that I didnt get 'everything'.

I didn't get everything, but what I have got is really beyond anything I could have wished for, so I refuse to be sad (although do engage is a bit of wistful imagination).

I know this sounds trite, but honestly if you can alter the way you think about this, to not focus on what you've had to give up, but on what you do have you will loose the sadness associated with it.

monkeyfacegrace · 27/01/2013 11:15

Why wont it be easy?

When your offspring are children, they rely on you to protect them and nurture them.

When they are young adults/adults then I shall be pleased to wave them on their way.

What an odd assumption Confused

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 27/01/2013 11:20

There is no compromise i'm afraid.

The only thing i will say, is that the contraception should be made by your dh. He wants no more so he should be the one to take care of all the contraception, whether that be condoms 0 of the time or the snip.

When a woman makes the choice to have no-more, she takes contraception. It's his turn to take care of this now.
Atleast then it will show you, there will be no more in black & white & you don't have to go to the trouble of protecting yourself from something you so clearly want.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 27/01/2013 11:21

'One hundred percent of the time' not 0 silly phone

Bottleoffish · 27/01/2013 11:27

I agree there's no compromise but your youngest is only 2, your DH may change his mind in the future, although obviously you shouldn't rely on that.

That's what happened with us. We both had DC from our first marriages, DH was adamant he didn't want another. Then, after 6 years and a fairly life changing event, admittedly, he changed his mind. I always made it clear I would want another after our DD and he didn't. DD is now 18 months old and he has 'agreed' to another. I say 'agreed' as he says he only wants another because he knows how much it means to me, but at the same time he has asked me to get afertility monitor to make it easier to concieve and gets a tear in his eye/few tears when watching things like One Born Every minute. Heck, he even cried at the Volkeswagon advert with the little girl growing up! He is quite broody really!

I think in our case he worries about things, although I am already a SAHM. He also worries about what other people think too much and his parents are very disapproving of large families and we already have 6 between us, although several are quite grown up now.

WizardofOs · 27/01/2013 11:30

Third babies don't just 'slip right into the family'. I think that's a dangerous myth personally! They create a third more work and expense and change the dynamic. Not necessarily for the worst but definitely a change.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 27/01/2013 11:44

OP You say you can afford it, but if at the moment you're just breaking even (which is what I'm taking from "no room for savings) you really can't, unless you want the five of you to just "exist" rather than live. The cost of the third will just eat up all your "fun money". Wouldn't it be nicer to be able to provide the children you already have with a few extras/ holidays/maybe a bit of help with Uni etc? Do you want to lie hand to mouth for the five to ten years to have a third?

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/01/2013 12:14

"Im a good wife, but my children rely on me to fend for them, provide for them, love them. Nobody will come in between me and my children. Nobody"

I feel very sorry for your husband, you make him sound like a sperm donor and easily disposable.

Given your later posts confirm you dont work, you dont provide for your children so are in a vunerable situation should your DH leave.

OP, if you have no spare money then a third will have a negative impact on your existing children and they get no say in the matter.

There is no compromise in situations like this, the person not wanting a child has the casting vote. Nobody should be forced to become a parent and a child should be born to two parents who wanted a chid not because the other demanded their way.