Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my husband to be "friends" with a woman at work who

189 replies

mum382013 · 26/01/2013 15:30

he propostioned for a relantionship/ sex previously (last year)?
he says he just wants to be friends and that i'm being unreasonable. i took him back on the understanding that he had nothing but professional contact. I think he has lost all rights to be friends with her, even if she did turn him down. he did admit if she had said yes then he would have left me for her so i'm very sensitive to her. AIBU?
i feel he has hurt me badly and i'm having trouble believing this is just about friends and i'm worried he has feelings for her as he seems more interested in being friends than being married to me.

OP posts:
FreePeaceSweet · 26/01/2013 18:24

No I wouldn't either but its still him in the wrong. She hasn't actually done anything. He's the one with the wife and family. Even if she DID sleep with him and do all the running he is still the one with responsibilities - Not her.

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 18:26

true i'm just angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 18:27

i know he is the one who is in the wrong, im not sure he thinks so though

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2013 18:33

You have to make him sorry then. The crack about ruining their friendship would have had him out the door even if the rest of it hadn't. It is so disrespectful of you and your feelings. So selfish.

tempnameswap · 26/01/2013 18:37

He must surely at some level know he is in the wrong OP. But I think he has zero respect for you and is treating you like an idiot.

He really needs a major kick up the arse - this is utterly unreasonable behaviour and he is clearly working up to having an affair if he possibly can. Kick him out - maybe there is a way back at a later stage with counselling (and him fully realising that he is at fault) but you have to accept that maybe he just isn't worth it. Sorry Sad

Buddhastic · 26/01/2013 18:37

At this point do you really care what he thinks? Care about you and your kids. Has he got an earring and a motorbike recently sounds like a 'mid-life' crisis. What a tit.

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 18:42

a sports car a year or so ago :(

OP posts:
gimmecakeandcandy · 26/01/2013 18:43

Really, I don't get why you are with this idiot. Why are you treating yourself with no respect?

I don't get it!

PootlePosyPerkin · 26/01/2013 18:43

I'm sorry but he is still putting her "friendship" above your wishes. That is not on. Not on any level.

I know it's going to be very hard but for your own self respect if nothing else, you should be longer be with this man.

PootlePosyPerkin · 26/01/2013 18:43

no longer be. Obviously.

Chrysanthemum5 · 26/01/2013 18:46

Why has he got a sports car when you can afford counselling to try to resolve these issues?

Actually I think there's no point in counselling in this situation. You sound lovely, and he sounds determined to have an affair. If its not this work colleague it will be someone else.

Tell him to leave, and mean it. Really it's the only way for you to have any self respect. Ask your parents and friends for support.

TalkativeJim · 26/01/2013 18:46

Good God get rid of him.

The only reason he's still there is because she turned him down. He must have shat his pants at that point eh? Never mind, a quick grovel and a few lies and phew- feet are back under the table and he's safely getting his dinners cooked and washing done.

He's utterly rank. Now you can see that you've just been taken for a ride by a man who would have dumped you if he'd got the chance - why don't you get on with those separation plans, and just go for it? I would t even bother to tell him until its all planned. You'd be 100% better off in every respect. Leave the nasty little would-be cheat where he deserves to be- alone.

Chrysanthemum5 · 26/01/2013 18:47

Sorry 'when you can't afford counselling'

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 18:48

we sold it about 18 months ago, then i had to redsuce work due to genetic condition and kids, so money much worse now

OP posts:
Buddhastic · 26/01/2013 18:55

You now need to move forward and make some plans.

NeverQuiteSure · 26/01/2013 19:04

Up thread you said that "it is so bad that all i want to be is loved?"

Do you feel loved with your DH? Did you (honestly) feel loved before all this came out?

You are worthy of love and you can have it, just possibly not with your entitled brat of a DH. It's in your hands. The sooner you take the reins, the sooner you will find the love you deserve. I'm sorry this is happening to you, especially with 3 high-needs DC, but if I were in your shoes I would try to put aside my feelings about his 'friend' and start grappling with the logistics of leaving him. How much money will you need to live on, can you stay in your house, what logistical help you might need, etc, etc. Then, with all the pieces in place, I would very calmly tell your DH that he is more than welcome to pursue his sad little fixation friendship and to please take his bag and leave.

FreePeaceSweet · 26/01/2013 19:15

Yes please leave him. I'm speaking from the POV of the child growing up in such a fraught and fractious household. My mum stayed with an abusive alcoholic until her youngest was 15. It was too late by then. She is an embittered emotional wreck. Her two sons have 0 respect for women and her youngest dd took her Dad's side when my mum was no longer able to fight. It breaks my heart to see how she is now. I remember her before she met him. Sure, we were skint. We had to take it in turns to eat standing up. Some meals were tea and toast. We were all in it together. I have some thoroughly happy memories of life before the age of 7 and hardly any until I left home and continued on with my own life. She eventually divorced him but she was so low and without any fight left that he diddled her out of a fair share of the house and left her with nothing. She is only just beginning to re-emerge from her nightmare. Him? He remarried. Became step dad to another generation of kids and is slowly starting to wear her down too. :(

I have no idea how things will be for you in regards to your children but to be fair neither do you. You deserve to be happy and live a comfortable life with the support from your family. Well at least a crack at it. Hopefully this selfish man will be left wondering what the hell he was playing at. Good luck OP.

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 26/01/2013 20:24

you do know that you can 'leave the bastard'? if he's blaming you for spoiling his relationship with another woman, he is definitely a bastard and he needs leaving.
go. or next time he's out, put his stuff in bin bags, leave it at the gate and have the locks changed. oh yes. ltb.

flippinada · 26/01/2013 20:27

This man has a very high opinion of himself doesn't he..who the hell does he think he is?

flippinada · 26/01/2013 20:27

FreePeaceSweet :(

Dozer · 26/01/2013 20:47

Kick the bastard out! What shitty treatment of you, then and now.

Since he is senior to OW, he could also be at risk of dismissal if he claims sexual harrassment.

SamuelWestsMistress · 26/01/2013 22:23

He sounds as bad as Max Branning....who is made up!

What a complete pig he is.

BarredfromhavingStella · 26/01/2013 22:49

This is so sad, why did you forgive this wanker????

You deserve better that this, he is making you feel like shit & you are letting him-show him the fucking door & make sure it hits him on the arse on his way out.

Stonefield · 27/01/2013 01:07

Really sorry for you but kick him out. If you want to repair the relationship make him do all the work to prepare it, he has to organise and pay for the counselling, if money is tight you could try Relate.
But seriously, ditch him, for the sake of yourself and your children.

Gingersstuff · 27/01/2013 01:27

OP, have my very first LTB. Bin bags on the doorstep, pet. He's a prize shit.