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AIBU?

to not want my husband to be "friends" with a woman at work who

189 replies

mum382013 · 26/01/2013 15:30

he propostioned for a relantionship/ sex previously (last year)?
he says he just wants to be friends and that i'm being unreasonable. i took him back on the understanding that he had nothing but professional contact. I think he has lost all rights to be friends with her, even if she did turn him down. he did admit if she had said yes then he would have left me for her so i'm very sensitive to her. AIBU?
i feel he has hurt me badly and i'm having trouble believing this is just about friends and i'm worried he has feelings for her as he seems more interested in being friends than being married to me.

OP posts:

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Crawling · 26/01/2013 17:22

Op please kick him out you deserve far far better. Hes not worth it.

FreePeaceSweet · 26/01/2013 17:26

He will do this again. The next woman may not turn him down. Leave this letch to roam free. Your OP is so sad to read. Its not her thats the problem, its him.

MrsBW · 26/01/2013 17:29

Your children are growing up thinking that this is normal and acceptable.

Would you want one of them to be treated as your husband is treating you? For their future spouse to tell them they are only with them because their preferred option turned them down? To live with that feeling?

Please think of the message that you're sending to them.

mum382013 · 26/01/2013 17:36

i do feel she led him on as he helped her get on at work. i think she may have targeted him somewhat. he is over 40 fat balding and she has been batting her eyelashes etc then was like oh you feel that way about me. but then kept up all the texts/ facebooking lunches etc she is in early/ mid 20's and slim/pretty. it has really helped her career to get him on her side. doesnt mean he should do it and it is not an excuse at all. but she didnt stop texting a married man after he said he wanted to be with her. surely an innocent woman would not want to be anywhere near him.

OP posts:

NotSoNervous · 26/01/2013 17:36

Hmm so he said he would have left you for her? Why on earth would you take him back?

He's wrong in wanting to be "friends" with her again and this isn't going to do any good for your mental state at all

mum382013 · 26/01/2013 17:37

i would be furious if any of my kids partners did this. my parents are furious

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/01/2013 17:39

leave the bastard

you should have done that the minute he said "if she'd said yes, I would have shagged her"

why are you settling for someone else's cast off ?

stop denigrating her...the person you need to examine most carefully is him

and he is very much found wanting

JustAHolyFool · 26/01/2013 17:41

Your parents are furious because they love and value and care for you.

Is there any way they could help you out with the kids for a bit so you can get rid of this bastard? He sounds awful, OP.

HotPanda · 26/01/2013 17:43

You don't have to say, but....
How did this all come out in the first place? You say you only found out recently.

I am wondering if he told you so that you make the decision, then he can be all "woe is me"

TheArbiter · 26/01/2013 17:47

Usually on issues like these I say "jealousy is a marriage-killer, stop it" but this situation is awful and your concerns are justified.

The main issue is that he works with this woman, so it is impossible to enforce a lack of friendly contact.

I wouldn't actually kick him out right away - he made a serious mistake and he has been honest with you about it, which is worth something, at least. But I would be very clear that he is not to see this woman outside of work, on pain of very serious consequences.

AnneofGreenFables · 26/01/2013 17:53

I know from bitter experience how it feels to feel trapped in your relationship.

It was the mumsnet relationships board that brought it home when someone said, do you realise that there are men out there who are not like this and for whom you will be their first and only choice every time?

I realised I did know that, I'd just forgotten. Made me truthfully tearful at what I was putting up with.

Think carefully but I guarantee you are worth more than this. You're worth someone who wakes up feeling lucky that you chose to be with them and vice versa

Matildaduck · 26/01/2013 17:57

Show him the door, better to alone forever than have this.

Reality will hit home when he's out on his ear.

FreePeaceSweet · 26/01/2013 18:01

No one can be lead on. I'm sorry they just don't. A person is either faithful or not. Their behaviour is not someone elses fault but their own. How would you feel if he did leave you for another woman and it got back to you that this woman believed you brought it on yourself? People need to be responsible for themselves. You gave him another chance. For the right reasons? Only time will tell but don't let him wriggle out of this by placing the blame else where (whether he does it or you on his behalf).

LadyBeagleEyes · 26/01/2013 18:02

He sounds like he lives in some sort of fantasy world.
He's in his 40's, fat and balding.
Maybe this woman did look up to him as an older, married colleague, without even thinking he had any sexual interest in her.
He sounds like some creepy stalker, and because his Lothario act didn't work, and he realises he's not that fanciable, he's taking it out on you.
Call his bluff, if you want to hold on to him
But you could do so much better.

MeatSweats · 26/01/2013 18:07

Excellent posts by FreePeace and AnyFucker. Don't blame her OP. She may have done you a favour in the long run. He was willing to risk his family (you sound lovely btw) for someone who didn't actually do anything to him? I'm a barmaid. I get hit on for being friendly all the time. Then I get girlfriends warning me off. I'm a short, dumpy size 16! It must be the threpennies! :o

Squeakygate · 26/01/2013 18:11

Sounds like a catch.
Get rid and see how long before he comes back with his tail between his legs. By which time, you will be much happier without him.
He doesn't want to be on his own that's for sure.

Emilythornesbff · 26/01/2013 18:11

Counselling might help. It could be worth insisting on it. Can you do that?
YANBU of course.
But I don't really understand how it came about that you took him back. Does that mean he left? If there was nothing between him and this woman then how does he go from an imaginary fantasy relationship to saying that he would have left if she had said yes?
He is being outrageously unreasonable about this "friendship"
Also, how did you find out about all this?

FreePeaceSweet · 26/01/2013 18:11

MeatSweats. :o Thanks and I love your name! Also barmaid here too. I know what you're saying about being hit on. I'm bigger than you and still get it. The women never believe that the hunks they are with might have fancied his chances?! Oh no it must be the desperate barmaid who is obviously erm desperate.

mum382013 · 26/01/2013 18:11

maybe i'm jealous of her

OP posts:

curiousuze · 26/01/2013 18:11

OP this is horrendous. I don't think this is worth the effort of counselling. He sounds like he's living in a dream world.

I actually feel sorry for the 'other woman' (she's not really the other woman is she, she turned him down after all). Your husband sounds like the office sex pest, perving over her and propositioning her for sex after she thought he was offering friendship. Disgusting. Poor woman having to work with him.

FreePeaceSweet · 26/01/2013 18:18

I don't think you're jealous OP. Far from it. You sound very hurt. Also she hasn't done anything to make you jealous has she (other than existing)?

mum382013 · 26/01/2013 18:18

i found out as i caught him texting her, i said why are you texting a woman in the night? i then said enough he said i'm just friends. i said just friends and eventually he admitted he fancied her and then it all came out that last year he propsitioned her and she said no. i went loopy and said i wanted him out, got seperation papers etc but he said he would change etc i said i would think about it. he has then pressured me into him staying. i said only if you never have contact, be nicer to me , help me more, go to counselling. he said he would. then he said about being friends

OP posts:

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mum382013 · 26/01/2013 18:20

well i wouldnt text a married collegue in the middle of the night asking for favours and asking for support in personal matters and tell him not to tell wife but thats just me

OP posts:

Crawling · 26/01/2013 18:23

She possibly is half to blame but op that doesnt change the fact that he has broken every promise he made with regard to your conditions please forget her and kick him out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/01/2013 18:23

I had male friends at my old place of work. I FBed them, texted them, went on nights out with them. I would have been horrified if any of them had come on to me. Put your anger where it belongs, with your ratbag H.

I would suggest that 'D'H saves his money up and pays for the counselling. Let him miss lunches and hobbies and beer to pay for his deliberate try at cheating mistakes.

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