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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my husband to be "friends" with a woman at work who

189 replies

mum382013 · 26/01/2013 15:30

he propostioned for a relantionship/ sex previously (last year)?
he says he just wants to be friends and that i'm being unreasonable. i took him back on the understanding that he had nothing but professional contact. I think he has lost all rights to be friends with her, even if she did turn him down. he did admit if she had said yes then he would have left me for her so i'm very sensitive to her. AIBU?
i feel he has hurt me badly and i'm having trouble believing this is just about friends and i'm worried he has feelings for her as he seems more interested in being friends than being married to me.

OP posts:
achillea · 26/01/2013 16:10

So your ultimatum is not going to work if you can't afford counselling. You should be able to refer yourself to the psychiatric services and get counselling or CBT for youself to see you through this. If he won't change at least you will then be strong enough to move forward on your own terms.

Other than that I agree with Katy - brace yourself and get on the Relationships board. It sounds to me as though it's over.

Pandemoniaa · 26/01/2013 16:11

i very nearly didnt take him back but he said he realised he loved us more than her and realised his mistake

Not wishing to be utterly cynical here I wonder if he would have had this blinding realisation if she hadn't turned him down?

YANBU in expecting him to avoid a friendship with this woman. He lost the luxury of that choice when he attempted to have a sexual relationship with her while still married to you.

meddie · 26/01/2013 16:11

to not accept it *

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 16:11

i can but not until 1st of month. this only happened a few weeks ago

OP posts:
achillea · 26/01/2013 16:12

If it's any consolation, 90% of families with SEN children separate. It's often a male pride thing. They see themselves as defective or something. Crap but true.

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 16:12

i will book as soon as i get paid

OP posts:
ArtfulAardvark · 26/01/2013 16:12

Do you have boys or girls? Your relationship will be what they base their adult relationships on...how would you feel if your child came to you and spelt out their relationship like this?

if you have a boy - he thinks its ok to look outside his relationship and treat his partner as second best.

if you have a girl - her partner chases someone else and chips at her self esteem.

Also dont ever stay together "for the sake of the children" my parents did that and its a hell of a headfuck to have arguing parents and feel its your fault they dont separate.

Apart from all that you deserve better - he is making you feel like the consolation prize - thats horrible

Personally if this were my relationship, either he accepts his behaviour has been completely unacceptable, severs all ties with her and does his best repair your relationship or he continues to chase other women and finds himself a sad bachelor bedsit somewhere.

meddie · 26/01/2013 16:12

Does he help with the children, enough that it makes it worth staying and putting up with being treated like this?

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 16:14

90%? it puts so much more pressure on things. 2012 was a horrid year with lots of awful things happenign so this was the tin hat on the year to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 16:15

he does do some kids stuff but not 50%. no i'm not keeping him so i dont have to do it all

OP posts:
emeraldy · 26/01/2013 16:17

There are loads of nice, kind and un-twattish men out there. Why are you sticking with him?

purplecitroen · 26/01/2013 16:18

YANBU

I am Shock at his behaviour tbh.

I hope you find the courage to LTB.

meddie · 26/01/2013 16:18

I am just trying to get my head round what exactly he is offering you that would make you be unsure about getting rid of him.

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 16:19

i'm not sure really meddie, i dont feel loved really so why am i still married to him? he slept in til 11am today so i had to get up and sort the kids out. he always does this

OP posts:
purplecitroen · 26/01/2013 16:20

Indeed meddie.

If you left him he would still be financially and emotionally responsible for looking after the DCs.

YippeeTeenager · 26/01/2013 16:20

I think he needs to realise how much he has hurt you and damaged your marriage. He's destroyed the trust between you and been unfaithful in intent if not actually in deed. If he wants your marriage to continue then he has to commit to being faithful in future and paying you more respect and that has to mean absolutely no more contact with this woman, either by text, facebook, in person or any other way. If he can't commit to that, apologise and show some remorse and commitment to your future together then I really think it would be better for you to think seriously about your future, as it doesn't sound long term as if he's going to make you happy, and you deserve to be happy! Good luck xx

purplecitroen · 26/01/2013 16:21

mum282013 you deserve to be loved, and if you're not getting that from him you would be better off single.

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 16:24

no i wouldnt marry him now knowing what i do.

OP posts:
flippinada · 26/01/2013 16:29

YANBU.

I understand a little of how you must be feeling; I had a boyfriend who cheated on me and I took him back..more fool me, but that's another story.

One day we were out somewhere and he took a phone call that he had to go out the room for. He said it was his mum. Something didn't quite fit (as in, why did he have to go out the room to talk to his mum when I was there?)

Anyway, long story short, it was his ex shag buddy and it came out that they were still friends and he wanted to continue the 'friendship' - he wanted to "be there for her" - how very touching Hmm.

I thought, I can't be bothered with this shit, I'm worth more than that and you know what mum382013, so are you.

Now we didn't have children and it wasn't a long relationship so the decision to split was made easily..and I don't know you apart from what you've written on here but honestly...do you want to leave your life feeling second best, watching, waiting and worrying about the next 'friend', all the while having your confidence and self esteem ground down?

flippinada · 26/01/2013 16:30

Aargh, live your life, not leave your life!

YippeeTeenager · 26/01/2013 16:31

Think you really need to talk to him and tell him all of this. We can all give you our thoughts but we don't and won't ever really know the depth of your feelings or his - only you and he know that. Could you arrange to spend some time, just the 2 of you without the DCs when you can really tell him just how hurt and upset you are and that you are seriously thinking that your marriage can't continue? He might not realise what he's done and how serious it is unless he hears it from you like this.

Original poster
mum382013 · 26/01/2013 16:37

i've said all that, even got the seperation forms filled in but he begged me not to leave him, said he was going to change etc. 2 weeks later tells me he wants to be friends with her and that i ruined their friendship!

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 26/01/2013 17:01

Tell him friends with her and lose a wife or no contact with her and you will let him work on your marrage.

There is no middle ground on this issue its a dealbraker for you.

Repeat til it sinks in and he makes his choice but by then you might have chose to leave him anyway.

He needs to see you have choices to make too and needs that he should meet.

AnAirOfHope · 26/01/2013 17:05

(if it was me i would say she is great and nice and I want to be just like her - I dont want him either and he should leave. Im never second choice)

fieldfare · 26/01/2013 17:11

He sounds terrible, what a way to treat the person you're supposed to be committed to.
Get rid of him OP, and gain your self respect back at the same time.

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