To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

Pity he never bothered with Skype.

What's halfway, the other family members' home?

Dont get into an argument, repeat the times you suggested, and state that any family member is welcome to come.

I think Make said it was 40mins for him, 2 and a half hours drive for her.

He came with his mum last time so I'm sure he'd not mind you bringing along support. .

My mum isn't welcome I was told. It's 1h 55 for me, 40 for him.
Now maths isn't my strongest point but that doesn't seem equal to me

To be half way then it should be around 1hr 15mins for both of you.

Tell me where you live and i'll disconnect your car battery, then you have the excuse of no transport, unless your mum comes.

Just ignore him Make. Why are you even entertaining the idea?

I thought id get upset but since I've sustained no personal attack I find him quite laughable tonight

Yay! Go Make.

Every time he tries this you get stronger and calmer in the face of his twattishness.

I'd suggest that if you do agree for him to see DD that you go for somewhere halfway, and send a googlemap indicating this clearly as he obviously has a problem with regard to distance/time.

Good news on the job interview, by the way.

Ignore all the rubbish about homely environments and halfway points and extended family's wishes - they're irrelevant.
Just repeat that you're happy for him to see dd and will be at home from blah to blah on Sat/Sun. And can he please let you know his estimated time of arrival.

Sorry to disagree with everyone, but I really don't think you should be agreeing to meet him even half way: I think while she is so little, he should be coming to her, and I think (though of course I may be wrong) that a court will agree.

The thing is, your DD isn't a parcel, she's a baby. He's expecting her to travel almost 4 hours, and that's just too much time for a baby her age to spend in a car in a single day. Even a place that was really half way would mean 2.5-3 hours' travelling for her, and I still think that is too much. IMO it is too much until she's old enough for an overnight stay, and she isn't yet... Unless - and it's a big unless - she sleeps well in a car and you can plan to do your journeys during her nap times.

Basically have to ignore her while you're driving, and if she's awake, it just isn't possible or good for her to be ignored for 2 hours at a time. If she's awake, she'll need you to talk to her, hold her, touch her, entertain her, maybe feed her, maybe change her nappy... And it isn't safe for you to do any of this; and it isn't safe if you don't, because of course she'll cry and distract you.

It might be do-able to take her on such a long journey as a one-off, if you could plan it carefully - but we are talking about regular contact arrangements here, and she can't do that kind of journey regularly. It is in her interest to do as little travelling as possible at this age.

IMO he is thinking of this as 'him against you'. He is thinking of your travelling compared to his, but not hers. Maybe it would be 'fair' for you to meet half way if it was just the two of you meeting up, but of course it isn't - it is him meeting up with his baby daughter, and 'fairness' doesn't come into it at all. He is the adult, and the parent, and he needs to make the effort for a few months or a couple of years, whether he likes it or not.

I cross-posted with clam but I agree. Ignore and repeat your original offer.

If you really feel you need to explain (but I think it will give him an opportunity to argue, as I said before) then say something like "DD cannot tolerate long car journeys any more. What was possible when she was a new born is not possible now. You will need to travel to see her until she is old enough to cope with a long car journey again.

I agree Flow, my ex lives an 1hr 15mins away from me, he once suggested i take DD to him, i told him no chance, im not driving all that way. and my is DD is 5.

If you are approaching this with a view of what would be seen in court as reasonable on your part, please don't forget that the court would also consider what has already happened and want to progress forward from there. That means that if you have done the journey to him or even met him halfway, you might find that you would have to prove that there was an exceptionally good reason to not do it again. In short, agreeing once may mean you get stuck doing it whenever it suits him to remember about her.

If you have never done the trip, it would be a very hard hearted judge indeed who gave the idea consideration and ordered it. Instead he would be expected to travel to her until such time as he had built up a sufficient bond with her and proven himself capable of looking after her enough that he got overnight access in which case he would be taking her from your area to his one day then back again the next. That isn't ideal, but she would be much older by then and at least only doing one journey a day instead of both ways the same day.

If he wants to see his DD it is up to him to get to you, not the other way round. You owe him nothing.

I don't think it would be hard to argue at all, if it ever came to that - a newborn sleeps very much more than a 5 month old baby; and by the time she is rolling over and sitting up and wanting to be on the move, it's much more difficult to make a long car journey where you've got to confine her and try to keep her still.

But also, you need to be 'reasonable' - but that is not the same as complying... And you do have clear reasons, even if X disagrees. :)

And that's always assuming he gets as far as taking you to court... Which doesn't actually seem very likely.

As I said upstream, you have nothing to worry about, Make. You are her mum and her day-to-day carer; you are allowed and expected to make decisions about what's best for her on a day-to-day basis... And that includes travel arrangements.

I've just read through this entire thread again and wanted to post agreement with everything flow has said.

I expect your ex has probably spoken to someone who has spoken to someone else who has a friend who knows stuff about family law in a arse about face way he has probably been told that if he can bully you into making the journey and bully you into unsupervised contact then chances are the court would want to continue that, as well as being told to use words like "homely environment" sorry but that absolutely screams out "I spoke to a pissed up family law solisiter when I was also pissed and they told me to say xyz only I forgot to tell this person we are talking about an under 1 year old"

As to all his threats that's all they are, it is very unusual for a under 1 to be expected to go for overnights. And I'm certain that a court seeing that you have made very reasonable attempts to include him and facilitate contact would look on his inability to actually produce himself when you make dd available as evidence of him being a total knob jockey.

Oh good lord. You can't give in or you will be setting a precedent. Give time slots and sensible locations for Saturday and Sunday.

And it is not up to him to dictate if your mum can be there or not.

What would he say if you told him his mum couldn't see Dd.

You know babies teethe and get cranky and even if you said okay let's all meet halfway (absolutely halfway not you do the lion's share) it could be an unpleasant trip for you both. I do think it is none of his business who you bring along for company/help with DD btw.

Incidentally at 5 months don't babies start to get that attachment worry going on in their heads, they may not take kindly to strangers or Mummy leaving them behind.

Wow I've been out this morning and just checked in. I am truely overwhelmed by all the responses offering support and advice, so very kind.
I was beginning to think sod it and go to shut him up. But I need to stand my ground and think off dd. she is terribly teethy and cranky at the moment. If I went it is like pass the parcel, they don't realise she will need a feed and change getting out of the car.
She's not newborn, she likes to pplay and see things. I'd have to take toys, bottles, her food everything.
We got stuck in traffic once and it took me 6 hours!!! There is no way I can risk that. She doesn't sleep much in the day anymore.
Sat in south mimms service station car park bf my 4 day old is one of the most horrific and traumatising memories of having PND. It disgusts me that I did that!! What kind of mother was I? A poorly one

I think the issue is because I did it then they think I should keep on doing it.
They are welcome here they know that. His parents do not work as they run a company, his other family members are wealthy and do not work.
Besides they never contact me, his aunt and uncle are forbidden too now. Because they are normal,
And understand, are very kind and genuine. They are Irish so have very very strong views on family and have been very kind to me. They took me aside last time I saw them to tell me how strong and brave I am. Now they are forbidden to contact me and are being poisioned

Wow, Make, can I just say I'm impressed with how strong and confident you sound now. You've come so far.

As others have said, you owe him nothing. If he wants to see his DD, let him come to yours, or where it's convenient for you to hand her over.

I don't feel it

His uncle and aunt sound a lot nicer than his mother does.

Tbh that lot sound a bit dim about what little babies are like. I hate the idea ex sees himself as "winning" somehow every time he browbeats you.