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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset regarding contact.

999 replies

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:50

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

OP posts:
flow4 · 12/02/2013 17:47

OK, so far so good. :) Well, how much time have you and your mum got free? I'd suggest you text tomorrow saying something like "Me and mum have booked a table at X for 12:30 (or whenever) if you'd like to book for the same time. We may go for a walk afterwards. We're free til 3pm." That makes your limits clear... Then if he wants to play silly buggers and be late, that's up to him. Or if he texts to ask to meet a bit earlier/later, then you can change the booking if that's OK with you too.

Generally, I find the 'trick' is to be as straightforward as possible - to behave as if you and your mum had arranged a trip out and a friend had asked if they could come along - you'd exchange details, see if you could fit them in, but not bend over backwards if they couldn't fit with your plans... Grin If you just stick to straightforward, calm facts, then any knots and difficulties are his problem.

flow4 · 12/02/2013 17:47

Oops, I spent so long writing that I've cross-posted with loads of people! Sorry. Blush

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 12/02/2013 18:04

Thank you all Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 12/02/2013 18:53

Just got a email off him saying where is X place and why is your mum coming?

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 12/02/2013 19:03

Just reply with the full address and suggest he googles if he's unsure where it is. Again, end with 'See you there.' Don't even mention your mum. It's none of his business so don't respond on that point. All he should be bothered about is the fact he's going to see DD, not who else is there.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 12/02/2013 19:05

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
anonacfr · 12/02/2013 19:07

Can't he google it? What a tosser. He really is trying to assert his authority isn't he?

ProphetOfDoom · 12/02/2013 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 12/02/2013 19:09

Its none of his business why shes coming, just treat it like a business deal, clinical and straight to the point, the address, he can look it up.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/02/2013 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 12/02/2013 19:16

He's something else isn't he?
There was a thread a while ago about why people have children with boys twats like this?
Well I had absolutely no idea he was like this, I truely thought I'd met my life partner. I had never been aware one person could inflict some damage on others. Until the end- when several of his exes got in touch wanting to meet and talk about how they ended in counselling and had looked into narcissistic partners. Needless to say I didn't, but I've been left speechless since.
As you can see from this thread I'm very up and down but I am alot better than I was, and yes as one of you asked I was pickles.
It's thanks to the strength you women give with your support and advice that I am actually still standing, and my little girl. That is no joke.
It's so sad to say there have been times when I have wanted me dd and the dog to crash in the car so we can all be together in peace.
Now I realise that's a cop out, there's more to life than this and we haven't lived our life yet nor can we see our future. We are still to do it.
I can only do that by being strong for all of us, I may crumble at points but I am human, worse things happen to people.
I can beat this and I will. It's not a game, he can hurt me but they will not emotionally scar my DD. I've worked too hard to get this far, and I shall keep going.
Thank you ladies, I truely mean that.

OP posts:
anonacfr · 12/02/2013 19:33

Gosh I remember your old thread. You are so brave after everything he put you through. You should be so proud of yourself your DD has one amazing mother.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 12/02/2013 19:43

There's no choice but to keep going Shock

OP posts:
NotGeoffVader · 12/02/2013 21:50

And think of the lucky escape you've had! If he had been your life partner, and you were married to this excuse for a man. Gah!

I do agree that calm, detatched repetition of the facts is the way forward. What SoftKitty said, up there ^

catinboots · 13/02/2013 04:32

Sorry not around much the lat couple of days Make but been busy in RL

(((Cuddle))) for tomorrow

I'll be thinking of you

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 13/02/2013 11:35

Imagine the life I would have had!
It's tommorow the thought is making me feel a mix of ConfusedAngry and sick!

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 13/02/2013 20:01

Had a message asking if we're still okay tomo. Why am I thinking that he genuinly thinks its me that's been unreasonable?! This thread has told and reassured me I haven't!

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 13/02/2013 20:10

Of course he thinks you ABU, he probably thinks his parenting skills are adequate, if not good and that he doesn't need to be supervised to see DD.
He probably wonders why you are not letting him see DD unsupervised, at his parents and believes that you are being malicious, trying to stop him seeing his DD.
He probably thinks you are doing this because you are upset about your relationship ending and you are insisting on supervising because you want to spend time with him.
For whatever reason, he wants to see DD, and he is finding that it is not as straight forward and easy as he thought it would be.
Of course he thinks YABU.

If he thought you were being perfectly reasonable, he would have to look at his own behaviour to ascertain why he wasn't seeing his DD unsupervised, and I don't suppose that is a thought he wishes to contemplate tbh.

ProphetOfDoom · 13/02/2013 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 13/02/2013 20:14

That made me laugh!! Thank you!

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 13/02/2013 20:26

Hes like a bloody kid trying to get one of his parents, "Are we still ok for 2moro" = "I wonder if shes backed down yet"

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 13/02/2013 20:28

That's what I think. I wonder if its dawning on him now? I doubt it but one can wonder. Not wasting too much time though.
I wonder if he's 'shittingblue lights' regarding my mum coming. As she puts it Wink

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 13/02/2013 20:36

It is very sad that he has more respect for your mum than he has for the mother of his child. Sad

Do you really think he is shitting himself about your mum going?

I'm glad your mum can be there with you tomorrow. What does your mum think of him?

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 13/02/2013 20:42

Hes probably annoyed at mum going, because Make probably feels alot bolder and less able to be closed down with support, he was probably hoping she'd be on her own so he can bully her.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 13/02/2013 20:49

I'm hopeful he's shutting himself but I doubt it very much.
Yes it's so sad about the respect. My parents always thought there was something about him, but have given him the benefit of the doubt in and out of our relationship.
My mum is trained along time ago in body language and sociology and things so she's always read him like a book. Sadly when your children are happy you don't say do you?
But we wouldn't have gorgeous DD, nor would I have listened.
I think he's more worried about mum coming as I am more protected Nd can't be backed into a corner nor told lies etc.
I am taking two cars so that if it gets too much I can leave but DD is still with someone she knows/trusts - and someone that knows her routine and too look after her. Ill go and get my dog from training, but they need not know that.

OP posts: