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AIBU?

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Original poster

to sometimes think that SAHMs are "living the dream" and really envy them

461 replies

Fizzler99 · 24/01/2013 10:54

Ok so I don't have kids yet.

I work ridiculously long hours (as in out the house 6.30am-8pm minimum and often work late nights and weekends too). I have a long commute each way (can't afford to live where I work as property so expensive) and the job is very, very high stress. I earn a decent wage, but I am quite junior so I'm not on mega-money despite what my friends and family seem to think

I don't intend to keep this job forever, but I need to establish myself in my choosen career then I can hopefully 'down-grade' to something less stressful.

One of my colleagues has just given up work to become a SAHM. It just sounds like living the dream. No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am, no more hideous commute, no more stressful job and nagging boss and office politics, no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time. I am so jealous! Envy

Please give me a much-needed reality check. Please tell me the reality of being a SAHM. For those of you that have gone from having a quite high-flying career to SAHM, please tell me how the two compare. I think I really need a reality check!

OP posts:
spanky2 · 25/01/2013 19:03

If anyone can teach why did I have to train for 4 years at university ? Just because you have a child doesn't mean you can teach .

scottishmummy · 25/01/2013 19:04

the reality of being wholly financially dependent upon dp,giving up career
that should be alarming not rose tinted dreams of precious momemts and baby group
given you dont have kids I suspect your fantasing what like to be housewife

morethanpotatoprints · 25/01/2013 19:05

I know this thread is about sahms but as a qualified teacher myself and having read much on the topic of H.ed many do it because they believe that a one fit all education/ national curriculum is not for them.
What does it matter what age somebody learns to read?
I don't have a GCSE to my name, but am confident in my ability to facilitate my dds learning. Most H.ed parents don't teach, it is usually the enemy. Grin

Anyway as a sahm I was given the opportunity to do this and I am embracing it whole heartedly.

Also Janey At no point did I suggest that school children didn't receive an education.

NotGoodNotBad · 25/01/2013 19:07

Cupcake: "a trip to the loo on my own when dh came in from work was a real treat"

I'm not sure whether to Grin or Sad.

But I bet it's something non-parents never give a moment's thought to when they plan to have kids - they'll say, oh, we might have to give up nights at the pub. We might have a bit less money. We might have a few sleepless nights. But I bet they don't treasure their private time on the bog!

scottishmummy · 25/01/2013 19:09

cheerfulyank,you work,so you're not a housewife.why define self housewife when you work?

PenelopeChipShop · 25/01/2013 19:14

Oh you couldn't have picked a better day to ask this. I'm on mat leave from a job that sounds similar to yours, though the hours and commute aren't quite so bad. It's that level with loads of responsibility but not quite as much power. Highly stressful. Maternity leave is harder than any previous job I've done. Last night the longest stretch of uninterrupted sleep i got was one hour. I breastfed ds (7 months) at least once an hour and paced the floors with him twice for 30 mins until he would 'allow' me to sit in the rocking chair. I've been awake since 4.30am. Between 6.30am and 2pm I didn't get a chance to eat. I was hungry because I walked for an hour and half with the pram in the freezing cold trying to get ds to sleep. As I went past the station at 8.30 I cried at the sight of two girls my age dressed for work, gossiping as they waited for the train. Ds has pooed and thrown up on me today and grizzled all day long. He finally laughed at about 3 o clock, until then I was loosing the will to live. Just about to put him down to sleep and I'll be back on night duty in 2.5 hours. Work will be a breeze compared to this.

CheerfulYank · 25/01/2013 19:14

I don't call myself a housewife :) I do refer to myself as a SAHM because I'm home with DS during the day, and my job pays less than 400 pounds a month so it's just "extra money".

scottishmummy · 25/01/2013 19:17

curious.if you work you not a sahm.regardless of how much earned,
you have job.sahm isn't job, it's err as name suggests staying at homr
in which Case factual answer is you work part time

CheerfulYank · 25/01/2013 19:20

I'll be sure to say that next time :)

scottishmummy · 25/01/2013 19:25

up to you innit!

scottishmummy · 25/01/2013 19:31

it doesn't need to be that hard Penelope ,start looking after yourself
why can't you eat?baby won't expire whilst you make sandwich or heat soup?
why march about 90min in winter with pram outside?I wouldn't do that
you know what the baby accommodates you too,you don't need to forgo meals put him down go get shot tea and food

Matildaduck · 25/01/2013 19:33

morethan it matters what age you can read because your life opens up once you have the freedom and power to read!

My friends 7 year old spends hours pouring over books, and computer games. :-) They are hours that i remember lost in my own world.

It really matters.

morethanpotatoprints · 25/01/2013 19:39

Matilda.

With due respect, in your opinion it matters. I think if you are schooled and subject to comparison with others and assessment it most certainly does matter. However, I have found that many H.ed dc are above their schooled peers in reading at the end of primary stage, whatever age they began reading. FWIW my dc could read when she was at school, ( very average) but now she is far beyond all of her friends who are at school.

NapaCab · 25/01/2013 19:44

Living the dream for me would be working from home or working flexible hours in a job that is fulfilling in some way. That's the dream.

As a non-voluntary SAHM (don't have visa to work where we live), I find it to be a very boring, empty life and it's a lot of hard work too with no reward, especially when you have no family around to help out with childcare. On the worst days, I feel like a skivvy, cleaning up puke, poo and food thrown on the floor and being screamed at or whinged at endlessly. On the 'good' days when I take DS to the park while drinking Starbucks, go for icecream with him, take him to storytime at the library or music class, drop him off at the gym creche for an hour while I work out, tootle about town buying cupcakes or looking at clothes, it still feels like a very empty meaningless life.

Yes, I'm raising DS but at this age (15 months) you get very little back. It just feels like you run around all day giving, giving, giving and then get nothing back. DH appreciates what I do at least but it's not a lifestyle I would prefer over working. I would LOVE to get a job right now, part-time or flexible hours or working from home would be a dream come true.

Having said that, my previous life of commuting and working in a job I hated was no paradise either. As I said, for me living the dream would be a job you enjoy that's flexible or part-time or from home so you have the best of both worlds.

janey68 · 25/01/2013 19:44

" she is far beyond all her friends who are in school"- gosh, sounds like youre the one obsessed with comparison with others morethan Grin

NapaCab · 25/01/2013 19:46

Living the dream for me would be working from home or working flexible hours in a job that is fulfilling in some way. That's the dream.

As a non-voluntary SAHM (don't have visa to work where we live), I find it to be a very boring, empty life, a lot of hard work too with no reward. On the worst days, I feel like a skivvy, cleaning up puke, poo and food thrown on the floor and being screamed at or whinged at endlessly. On the 'good' days when I take DS to the park, take him to storytime at the library or music class, drop him off at the gym creche for an hour while I work out, tootle about town buying cupcakes or looking at clothes, it still feels like a very empty meaningless life.

Yes, I'm raising DS but at this age (15 months) you don't get much back. DH appreciates what I do at least but it's not a lifestyle I would prefer over working. I would LOVE to get a job right now, part-time or flexible hours or working from home would be a dream come true.

Having said that, my previous life of commuting and working in a job I hated was no paradise either.

NapaCab · 25/01/2013 19:50

Sorry, kind of a double post there. My first post didn't seem to post so I edited it down as much as I could and re-posted. So now I have both the edited and unedited versions!

That's another downside to SAHM life - your brain starts to malfunction a lot more from lack of use...Blush

Matildaduck · 25/01/2013 19:55

more than did you read my post, i said it matters because you can't read on you own.....

I never mentioned assesment or comparison.

I said that you have a whole wonderful world closed to you...

morethanpotatoprints · 25/01/2013 20:02

Matilda.

What about people who have learning difficulties, so a whole wonderful world is closed to them then? Or is it possible to enjoy this wonderful world in other ways. There are plenty of children who experience the joy of books without reading.

Janey

On the contrary, its just something I had noticed a while ago, with dds friends when playing. Its the freedom from sats, levels, assessment which is part of the appeal of H.ed along with avoiding the confines of The N.C.

janey68 · 25/01/2013 20:05

Ah of course- you home ed to avoid the measurement and comparison between children... But just happen to notice that your daughter is miles ahead of all her friends who attend school... Lol Grin

janey68 · 25/01/2013 20:05

Ah of course- you home ed to avoid the measurement and comparison between children... But just happen to notice that your daughter is miles ahead of all her friends who attend school... Lol Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 25/01/2013 20:11

Janey.

Yes, I don't see your point really. You obviously don't watch your dc at play then.
There are several reasons not just one. Obviously it suits us and we feel it offers a better education than school, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it. At the risk of sounding patronising you come across as very opposed to what anybody says unless its your opinion. Your comments really do neccessitate a duh!

Summerblaze · 25/01/2013 20:15

I am a SAHM with 3 dc's ( 9, 5 and 9 months).

Before I had my eldest I had a busy full time job which required me to work long hours and I had deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. Me and DH decided that I would SAH when we had dc. As much as I love being at home and probably do thrive on the life I have now, it isn't all rosy.

Definitely the hours are longer than pre dc. You don't get much appreciation from a baby for getting up in the night or from a toddler for getting him another drink or picking up the 100th toy from the floor.

I have family close by who I am close to and some friends who I get together with fairly regularly but there are still times when it is very lonely and even though my 9 year old can have a proper conversation with me, it isn't an adult one and she is at school most of the time.

The house looks like a bomb site when it is school holidays and everybody wants something all through the day, then DH arrives home and is surprised that the place looks like it has been robbed.

Bundling all the kids in a car on a freezing cold night to take one of them to a club is not my idea of living the dream either.

When you get somewhere and realise that the cuddle your dc gave you a few minutes ago resulted in a smear of snot down your front.

I could go on but most of you on here know exactly what its like.

I also think that those of us who are pointing out areas of child rearing which aren't so good, are not trying to upset those who work (part or full time) and have dc. Most of the things I have mentioned happen to them too. This isn't a WOH/SAH argument but one between staying at home with dc or staying at work with no dc. The op has NO children.

I must say that even though I wouldn't want to swap with the OP for the world. I do sometimes think back to pre dc days and try and remember what it was like to do something other than wipe bums and push the swings. To get up in a morning, get myself dressed, tidy up after myself, eat my breakfast and go to work. To sleep in at weekends or holidays, to decide on the spur of the moment to go to visit friends, eat out or go on a romantic weekend away.

Everyone is different though and I have respect for those who want to work full or part time with dc and those who choose to stay at home. Anyone who can't see why someone else wants to do something just because they don't is very short sighted.

AmberNectarine · 25/01/2013 20:19

I work three days per week in a high-pressure corporate environment.

I consider those three days my 'days off'.

scottishmummy · 25/01/2013 20:23

tge old mum ardest job In world line
if you really think housewife with no external demands,deadlines,defined skill set is harder than work you're deluded
the impact of not loading the washing machine isn't same as missing deadline