to sometimes think that SAHMs are "living the dream" and really envy them

[Fizzler99]

Ok so I don't have kids yet.

I work ridiculously long hours (as in out the house 6.30am-8pm minimum and often work late nights and weekends too). I have a long commute each way (can't afford to live where I work as property so expensive) and the job is very, very high stress. I earn a decent wage, but I am quite junior so I'm not on mega-money despite what my friends and family seem to think

I don't intend to keep this job forever, but I need to establish myself in my choosen career then I can hopefully 'down-grade' to something less stressful.

One of my colleagues has just given up work to become a SAHM. It just sounds like living the dream. No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am, no more hideous commute, no more stressful job and nagging boss and office politics, no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time. I am so jealous!

Please give me a much-needed reality check. Please tell me the reality of being a SAHM. For those of you that have gone from having a quite high-flying career to SAHM, please tell me how the two compare. I think I really need a reality check!

anyway!dinner needs cooking,and i need to get the cow in.

Amber of course we can understand why people want to do different things even things we don't fancy ourselves. Its called empathy. But actually not being able to imagine someone elses drivers...wow that's kinda weird...

Amber - you sound complete nuts! If everyone had the same idea as you there would be no teachers, no one to build the house you are living in, no one to tend to you when you are sick....

Who on earth do you think does all these things so that you can lie around at home teaching your children that actually there is NO need to work...

Surely you can see that you work to allow yourself the lifestyle you want and to contribute to society

You can ask this about pretty much everything - "But why even do X, if you also want to do Y and don't want to do X all the time?" Because I want to do both?

Why do I WANT to work? Because I find my job really interesting. However, this is not even the relevant question here, as most people HAVE to work. But they still want to have a family too. You can't understand how people can want several things?

I didn't say you are thick- I said you are narrow minded, which is sad, particularly as you are home educating your children so they are going to be exposed to fewer opportunities to hear wider perspectives

If you had posted ' I stay at home, I home educated my kids, my husband works at home and will stop altogether in 2 years so we can all be together; we are very happy but I can understand that people are all different and many want to do things differently'- well, I could respect that. But to post about your situation and to admit that you genuinely do not understand how any adult can want to work once they have children shows a remarkable lack of capacity to think, quite frankly.

My sil has 6 kids,she is also a headteacher and does a phd at weekends,the youngest is 4 weeks old and she is going back full time i 2 weeks.

I dont see why anyone would want to do that,and i dont understand why she wants to keep having kids that she never sees.she sees them for about 15 minutes i the morning and maybe an hour and a half in the evenings.a couple of hours at the weekend.the kids are all suffering and she is never there when they need her,ad the older ones have too much responsiblity for the younger ones.

that is what i am talking about.do you think that is right?

Im glad she has the choice to do this but i dont see what the point is,to keep popping them out,and then just not bother with them?its not for financial reasons either.I uderstad career is important but why not go part time,or just drop the phd til they are older?

my kids will be exposed to more opportunities than kids at school are.do not start me.

Gosh you sound such a lovely person amber. Im sure your children are benefiting hugely from being exposed to your opinions and judginess!

Amber, has your SIL managed to "pop out" these 6 kids without any help from her husband?

FWIW, one of my huge, huge worries when I got pregnant was that I'd have to be a SAHM. My mum was one when I was little and was profoundly unhappy; I got the very clear message that having kids ruined your life (she would always say she 'chose to be at home' but frankly you could see how miserable she was).

For me, it would be living the nightmare.

Isn't that what your DH does Amber? You describe that he sees the DC briefly in the morning and then in the evening between dinner and bath - so why did he have them? Planning to see them more in a few years? Well SILs PhD won't take forever either. I don't see much of a difference.

OP, not sure if someone's already mentioned it but there's a good thread about women keeping their financial independence by continuing to work after having kids. I am a stay at home mum. I'm lucky that we can cope with that. My dd at 6.5 months was found to have many serious allergies so I never could get my head around commuting and not being able to get back for her if there was an incident, so I stayed at home. I DP love it and don't miss the commute or the office politics. Recently though I've been thinking, mostly after reading that thread, that maybe I should have carried on with my career.

I used to earn really good money but was in the sort of job that meant I worked at the clients offices and often used to have to be away from home for lengthy periods. That wouldn't have worked for us. I don't regret not going back to work but sometimes when my dc won't listen or take ages getting ready in the morning I envy my DP who gets to leave at 8 and be out until 7.

The not earning my own money is the hardest thing.

There's no point in wondering about being a sahm until you have to. If you're really not happy in your work, then it sounds like you spend an woul lot of your waking life working and not being happy. You don't have to. You could leave and it might be better somewhere else.

Amber - maybe your SIL looks at your family set up and thinks 'over my dead body, or even that your children are suffering!
(I am not suggesting they are btw- just pointing out how illogical you're being)
You know your children best, other people know theirs
Its really not that hard for most people to get their head round that concept.

There is a huge lack of understanding of other people's situate in this thread, from both sides of the argument IMO.
I am a sahp and happy - most of the time! :)
My only issue with wohp is when they send their kids to school knowing they are ill because "they can't possibly miss xxx meeting".
That pisses me off no end and causes me to have The Rage.
But sahps do it too, so it's not solely a wohp thing
Generally speaking I dont like any Parent who feels their way of doing things is the "right way" and talks down to parents who parent a different way.
From a personal pov, I didn't want to be a wohp as I am the daughter of mother who had to work to make ends meet, I became the carer of my siblings at 11 which was very tough at times, really affected my childhood and mynrelationship with my siblings and I didn't want the same for my kids.
I do feel that children need a sole carer up to 3 years old. Not necessarily the mother, but a nanny, CM, other family member. Reliable, constant and 1-1 care.
As I have said more than once, he many of the govt or opposition use the sort of childcare they exort us to????

Amber what will they get at your house that they won't get at school?

I met a home 'un schooled'child a few months ago, aged 8 couldn't read or write. Apparently very good at riding his bike and climbing trees. Mum was lovely but really i'm not sure he was stretched like he would be at school. My four year old can read and is pretty good at writing. ( pre school taught that)

I'm a sahm and a very involved one at that but i can't for the lfe of me understand how you can teach specialist subjects to a child, never mind GCSE's.

Did you not enjoy school?

Ooh Matilda - you're opening up a whole new debate!

FWIW I have - occasionally - met people who were home educated and i think it can in some circumstances work well, BUT only where the educator has been intelligent and open minded, and able to get their head round the fact that there is a big wide world out there where not everyone is the same.

I am a huge supporter of HE. Have repped many a home edder.

The ones that do a good job are vastly open minded and educated (in the broadest sense)...those that are not do their DC a diservice.

And -oh! the irony (if it's true) of amber having had a successful career as a nanny before she had children!
I hope she was upfront with her employer and told them that while she was happy to take their money, she thoroughly disapproved of them continuing to work after becoming parents!

I remember reading some studies a few years ago which said that children and parents thrive better if the main care giver works part time. That would be my 'living the dream'. Sadly those great p/t jobs are few and far between.

Also, i am always surprised on these threads when people say they can't afford the luxury of staying at home - but everyone i know can't afford the luxury of working. The childcare costs outweigh their salary and would lose the family money. Perhaps we are all particularly low paid but i just don't know how anyone can go back to work without a job paying more than 30k, help with tax credits/benefits or free childcare.

I home schooled ds1 for year in 2010 due to awful bullying at his old school.
We loved it.
We did so much he would never have got to do in school...forest school, wildlife club, pottery, NASA day at raf cosford, trips to London....I could go on.
He is back in school now but HE is neither odd nor difficult as some would imagine.
Wrt GCSEs, he kids can do igcses and some do OU courses from 16.

Depends mrs koala.
If the mother becomes depressed by being at home then obv work is the right choice for her.
But what if a mother becomes depressed from working?
I also don't understand the concept of not being able to afford not to work...when 90% of their wage goes on childcare...?

It is soul destroying. By the end of the week I am so exhausted I can't even be bothered to name change. In my case, it was not a choice as I was made redundant after DC2 - however, at that stage I should have got straight back into work mode rather than sitting around thinking I'd enjoy a year out with the kids.

I personally am profoundly unhappy with it and am conscious that I am communicating that to my DCs - now old enough to understand/pick up the vibes.

I am trying to re-establish my career but the commute is too far for any new employer to take me seriously (like the OP, we can't afford to live closer to London - which is where our work is). Locally, I have applied for jobs at a third of my previous salary and those employers don't take you seriously either.

But Badvoc for some families that 10 percent is needed! And once the DC are in school child care costs often become doable. Giving if a career because you don't make huge financial gain right now I very short sighted no? Many women want to protect their employability and pension etc.. Long term thinking/planning.

what don't you understand Badvoc? 2 dc's childcare would cost us £40 per day on top of my wages. Yes it's a choice to have dc, but the 'dream' for many would be to go back to work.

Oh, and as MrsKoala says, the cost of childcare mean that working is a luxury for me.