to sometimes think that SAHMs are "living the dream" and really envy them

[Fizzler99]

Ok so I don't have kids yet.

I work ridiculously long hours (as in out the house 6.30am-8pm minimum and often work late nights and weekends too). I have a long commute each way (can't afford to live where I work as property so expensive) and the job is very, very high stress. I earn a decent wage, but I am quite junior so I'm not on mega-money despite what my friends and family seem to think

I don't intend to keep this job forever, but I need to establish myself in my choosen career then I can hopefully 'down-grade' to something less stressful.

One of my colleagues has just given up work to become a SAHM. It just sounds like living the dream. No more waiting on cold station platforms for delayed trains at 6.30am, no more hideous commute, no more stressful job and nagging boss and office politics, no more late night working and surviving on takeaway or the contents of the office vending machine for weeks at a time. I am so jealous!

Please give me a much-needed reality check. Please tell me the reality of being a SAHM. For those of you that have gone from having a quite high-flying career to SAHM, please tell me how the two compare. I think I really need a reality check!

I work because:
I enjoy the work and find it fulfilling
I believe in what I do and like to think I am contributing
I like that my DC see me working hard on something I believe in
I like my colleagues and the conditions of my job
I think I am well paid for what I do

the only thing is, it is sometimes demanding, as are all jobs. I've been working 14, 15 hour days this week, and was working extra right before Christmas, including Christmas eve morning when I was meant to be on leave. However this is balanced by the fact that when I'm not so busy I can usually finish early/styart late, go to nativity plays, deal with sick children without having to take time off. I have a boss who knows I work hard and deliver and trusts me to mostly manage my own time and work.

I do actually feel like I'm living the dream.

Hello Amber.

I am a sahm H.educating my dd too. My older two went to school as I didn't know abouut H.ed then.
We are having a ball and dd is coming on leaps and bounds.
I could never imagine working after birth of ds1 now 21, so I didn't.
I really love our lifestyle and realise we are very fortunate to be able to do this.
In answer to the question posed to Amber. H.ed dc receive an education. This is what they don't usually gain from a school, lol.

I don't understand why they do it I guess.
Not even for the remaining 10% of their salary.
I do get the whole keeping to your career path but, for me, it was not a difficult decision at all. I worked to live, not lived to work.
I hated my commute and public transport can be the pits in rural areas like mine.
I also didn't enjoy office working, the petty politics, gossip etc.
I sometimes go past where I used to work and all I ever feel is relief that I am no longer there.
But I understand that some women enjoy their work. That's fine. But not all of us do. Some if us work for a salary, not for personal fulfilment or enjoyment.
If I do go back to work I will retrain and I hope to choose a job that I am passionate about.

"I sometimes go past where I used to work and all I ever feel is relief that I am no longer there. "
Me too :o Even more reason why I love my current job so much, the last one made me miserable

I keep all my wages as childcare is paid for by tcs.In every nursery I have known everyone gets it all to so its very beneficial to work.

Morethan - what a crock, frankly.

depends what you mean by an education I suppose but for society, and more crucially, employers, it means a bloody good set of exam results. A good school will provide those for your child very, very nicely.

i'm the same badvoc. i had a well paid job i loved but i was made redundant in 2009. my role has been wiped out by the recession cuts to unis and the skills weren't transferable. After 3 years temping and working in horrible office environments for low pay, the thought of going back makes me want to weep. However, i am hoping to retrain so that when dcs go to school i can hope to do something less soul destroying.

Why would someone worry about being a SAHM when they're not a Mum in the first place?

If the world must have my opinion I shall offer it. We are expected to work for about 50 years (18-67/?). I don't see why we should feel under pressure for choosing to take a few years out to bring up our children.

Luckily I can afford it as have low mortgage. It's been 12 years now and I didn't get bored until about a year ago when my youngest started secondary. Now I'm studying to get back to work asap.

There is no right and wrong.

This thread highlights for me, yet again, the sheer importance of being educated, skilled and employable BEFORE having children. It's all very lovely being a SAHM when they are little, less so when they are all at school, all the interesting women you know are in work and you're sat at home vacumming to Jeremy Kyle every morning and wondering what happened.

I have had a bit of everything.

When I worked full time, I loved the money, the independence, the adult conversation and social aspect. The fact clothes would remain clean, I could go to the loo on my own. The weekends were special. I was tired and missed my family. I was then made redundant.

Sahm. On cold dark mornings it was nice to stay in bed, except ds never slept so I was up from 5 and the day lasted forever. I got no rest at all, not even lunch or a cuppa! Lack of company, felt isolated, no office banter or adult conversation. Money was tight, it was boring and housework was never ending I felt like all I did was tidy up, put away, cook, clean and wash! It is soul destroying unless you have a good regular set of friends to meet up with and then it's all child talk! I got sick of being sat on, lay on, pulled on whined at etc. My body was never my own and a trip to the loo on my own when dh came in from work was a real treat. I did however get to see alot more of ds his good bits and more challenging bits. We had no money and I never got a 'day off' or change of routine. It is exhausting!

I am now part time self-employed and ds is at school. It's the best of both worlds but there are days I crave an office environment. I spend most days alone or with ds. I still hate housework, I would love more money and I do get sick of doing all the housework, all stuff with ds from getting up and dressed to getting to bed and its very hard when I have work to do, ds is clingy and whiny and dh is still at work.

Any situation after a while wears thin. Nothing is perfect.

Me too mrs koala. Just need to figure out what to do! :)
Glad you have found a job that makes you happy SPB. Being in a crappy job is soul destroying :(
Skittish...I agree. But not that many good schools about sadly.
It's odd, you know.
Over the years I have had some great advice from MN from people with vastly differing lives from my own. It's part of the strength of MN I think.
Sad that it so often descends into a bun fight :(

Morethan- would like to see you substantiate your claim that usually children at school don't get an education!
My children go to school AND receive an education.

Sadly Skittish the recession came along and shat on my parade! I am educated and had a good career till 2009. then all went to shit, was unemployed for 9 months then only found min wage temp work and eventually a perm job in a call centre. I was 35 so DH and i decided we couldn't wait any longer to start our family (which we desperately wanted - and still do) but it meant i knew there would be no point going back.

MrsKoala, being a SAHM often brings things out in you that you never knew you had, you learn a lot of new skills and you might find yourself taking another direction. Better SAHM than SAHUnemployed. A friend of mine retrained and is now a journalist.

An interesting debate though :-)

I've nothing against HE, i'm just flummoxed that someone thinks that they can offer more than a school.

Forest school, trips etc call all be done in the 12 weeks or so a year they are off. So don't buy that as an argument.

I did a lot of reading after meeting the HE boy, because i was interested. I decided for me that i want more mainstream children. i would be horrified if my 8 year old couldn't read.

I think school prepares you for life, the good and the bad. I loved education.

morethan schooled DC do not just recieve their education at school. Far from it! It is just one resource than parents use to educate their DC.

That said, it can be an excellent one. I am certainly no expert in many things my DC learn at their fabulous schools.

That said I do wholeheartedly believe that HE can be wonderful. But and it is a big but, the parents must be excellent facilitators. They must be open minded, full of imagination and value education...three things Amber has shown herself to be sadly lacking!

OP- if you haven't got any children yet, you have no concept of what it may or may not be like to raise children. You have an image in your head but it isn't necessarily that close to reality. This seems to be a case of the grass is always greener.
In any case, different people have different dreams. SAHMs have v different family set ups so some have it easy, others work very hard and find life v stressful.

Amber- your comments about not understanding why anyone would want to work after having DC are at best naive. Does this just apply to mothers or father as well? Can you seriously not understand that some people have ambitions in addition to raising a family, that they have useful skills, knowledge and experience to contribute? They may derive a lot of satisfaction from using these skills to help the wider population. They can still raise happy, well rounded, educated children.

Your SIL, for example, has many years experience as a teacher in addition to her management experience. I dare say the children, the parents and the teachers at her school value her contribution there. Many fathers work long hours, in the same way as your SIL yet they don't tend to get singled out for criticism. They tend to get praised for working hard to support their family.

matilda HE can be wonderful. It can produce DC with inordinate thirst for learning and quick independent thinkers.

However, the parents who HE successfully do so very mindfully IMVHO. They are always on the look out for opportunities and different ways of looking at things.

The ones who make a dreadful job of it, IMVHO, are the ones who are closed minded and disinterested in the world at large. What they actually want is to keep their DC close...the opposite of an education by anyone's standards.

I was made redundant when dd was 2 1/2 so we decided it was perfect time to extend family. Plan was for me to stay at home until both were at school. I couldn't stand it though. Was isolating, exhausting, relentless and depressing (for me, others love it though). I found a perfect job when youngest was 6 months old. I work 18 hrs per week, in a job I enjoy with a lovely group of colleagues. Being a sahm mum def isn't my idea of fun, I wouldn't swap back to that again for anything.

Too long to read all of this interesting thread.

Been city lawyer with nanny, SAHM, worked part time and now studying masters. Probably would have kept up with part time but DS1 had trouble at school and always got into trouble at after school club, holiday courses. DH does a lot of travelling and gp's not prepared to pick up slack. We have managed to get through junior school and just started yr 7, things are picking up and he is starting to gain some social skills. Hoping to start working again over the next few years, because I hate being bored.

My parents see my lack of activity as a failure and although they know that DS1 is odd, quirky, and diagnosed ASD they don't really get it. He used to go holiday courses and hated it, sat with his DS, ok until they tried to get him to 'join in'.

Being a SAHM would never be my dream - I saw what it did to my mum, felt horribly guilty for the sacrifices she had made, and heeded her advice to pursue my own career and have my own life.

I agree entirely with Bonsoir that parental role modeling is very important. I guess we just differ in terms of what we choose to model.

I love being a SAHM. Though I do work part time in the evenings (between 15-20 hours a week usually) managing a cinema.

But I'm just naturally a potter-around-the-house type. I'm not easily bored, I love just reading, thinking, walking the dog, baking...but for some friends of mine it'd be torture. It all depends on what type of person you are I suppose. :)

Skittish.

Many thousands educate their dc because they are not satisfied with the provision of educacation from a school, myself included. It is a very viable way of ensuring your dc gain vital skills and gain qualifications. In fact it allows far more freedom of choice at GCSE level.

I'm with Word on this. Done correctly - fabulous - done badly, disaster.

Surely Amber your 5year old needs to learn to learn to read? Whoops can you tell I am one of the enemy - a teacher?!