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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Funny" thing a friend (?) posted on FB..Am i humourless?

43 replies

lolaflores · 23/01/2013 11:12

...and obviously unreasonable. help me work out whether I am over sensitive or have good cause for the grump it has caused.

So, today, a friend of very long standing, who is fully aware of my mental health diagnosis shared a picture of The Three Stooges arsing around looking very strange with the heading

"Disocvering a friend with the same mental disorder....priceless"

And her comment above "You know who you are"?

Does she mean well but fairly ignorant or passive aggressive?

I am Bi-polar with many the crisis under my belt. Everyone has done the "we are so supportive you, it really doesn't matter....so on etc.

Being over sensivite? But it hurts somehow

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 23/01/2013 11:16

I think it's entirely possible she wasn't giving you a second thought when she posted this. Is she a good enough friend that you can ask her?

DameMargotFountain · 23/01/2013 11:16

this is the very fine line, isn't it?

when does a gentle joke turn into casual discrimination then turn into targetting/bullying?

has your friend had a DX of bipolar too? if not, it's not funny - she may not be aware, why not ask her?

Flobbadobs · 23/01/2013 11:17

Sounds either thoughtless or shes trying to tell people she's had a dx of some kind. Ask her?

Goldmandra · 23/01/2013 11:18

I think you need to work out what she means about having "the same mental disorder". That indicates to me that she thinks she shares a disorder (either real or joking) with someone else and that person knows about it.

Unless you have good reason think it is relating to your Bi-polar disorder I think you should assume it is aimed at someone she is sharing a joke with.

It is thoughtless but perhaps that's all.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 23/01/2013 11:18

Its a stupid post but if she is a friend and you haven't fallen out I doubt it was aimed at you. I can see why you feel hurt about it.

TallyGrenshall · 23/01/2013 11:19

It might not have been aimed at you at all. She may have another friend with a dx of something else that she has, and has not disclosed to you

Ask her

MadBusLady · 23/01/2013 11:21

Shared on her timeline with everyone you mean?

My guess would be it's aimed at a particular set of people she's had some "ooh we're so mental" joke with, ie none of them can bear to sleep in unironed pyjamas or some such. And she's not thought at all about the fact that you will also read it.

Otherwise her comment and the caption don't make a lot of sense. If I'm right, maybe some "LOL we're so mental with our pyjama fixation" comments will pop up under it soon.

YANBU to feel a bit nettled that she has been thoughtless.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2013 11:22

I think you're being over sensitive.

To be honest if everyone had to study their friend list in great detail and consider every post they intend to make in relation to their list....no-one would have the time to post anything.

I think it was just a way of saying, "I'm right mad me, and so are my friends"...kind of Ricky Gervais style and a bit cringeworthy.

Normally said by boring people

MadBusLady · 23/01/2013 11:22

x-post with Everyone.

Original poster
lolaflores · 23/01/2013 11:30

I wanted to ask her how funnyy it would be to replace mental disorder with cancer but that is my anger lashing out

I want to say how funny it is at 3am, blood running down your arms and the ambulance taking you off...how hilarious it is to share that

I have discussed many aspects of my dx, how ashamed i feel of it somethimes and I just wonder had she heard a thing I said? It really hit a nerve that has surprised me. i thought she understood to some degree...confused.

OP posts:
DameMargotFountain · 23/01/2013 11:35

i hear you lola

it's not funny

Original poster
lolaflores · 23/01/2013 11:40

Thank you all for input. i don't need tip toing around, but a little cop on about the subject, that it isn't "funny" if you know what I mean. it is some people's life.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 23/01/2013 11:42

You probably need to share with her how you're feeling but perhaps wait a while until you are calmer. No sense ruining a friendship because someone made a mistake.

Assume it was thoughtless, not intentionally hurtful or unpleasant. You'll soon know whether that is really the case if you explain how it felt for you to read it.

Earthymama · 23/01/2013 11:48

www.su.rhul.ac.uk/news/article/6001/Mental-Health-Awareness-Week-2013/
Post this on your page

Startail · 23/01/2013 11:49

If you take "mental disorder" less literally and simply to mean quirks and eccentricities then it isn't rude. It's just absolutely true.

DH and I share many of the same traits that make making general friends hard.

DD1s best mate is both dyslexic like her and shares the same utter puzzlement at what makes most teens tick.

I can quite understand those with a serious mental DX being sensitive to the way words are used, but I doubt it's done to offend.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2013 11:56

OP regarding your post @ 11:30:12

In the nicest possible way...your mental health is something you have to live with 24/7.

Your friend on the other hand, whilst quite probably understanding your issues...isn't going to have them on her mind 24/7.

She and everyone else are allowed to find things amusing that other people (for personal reasons) find in bad taste.

And let's not forget that just because you didn't find it amusing...that's not to say 1000's of other mentally ill people wouldn't laugh or smile.

I want to say how funny it is at 3am, blood running down your arms and the ambulance taking you off...how hilarious it is to share that

Well if you did say that, imo you would be bang out of order...but it's your call obviously.

Original poster
lolaflores · 23/01/2013 11:58

Since when was a quirk and eccentricity a diagnosable disorder?

It makes me wonder if that is truly how it the world views people with DX? A bit eccentric, with no idea of the pain and distress that make it so hard.

I am still obviously upset about it. I will ask her but when I have cooled me jets a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 23/01/2013 12:15

Fair enough Worra. It feels personally unjust. Perhaps I am over sensitive.

OP posts:
Pigsmummy · 23/01/2013 12:20

Ask her if it directed at you, if it is then unfriend her straightaway, if she says no then apologise, saying that you are feeling a bit sensitive. The only reason I am suggesting this is because of her comment above it, it is clearly directed at someone.

Original poster
lolaflores · 23/01/2013 12:22

It does doesn't it? Befuddling

OP posts:
Hangingbellyofbabylon · 23/01/2013 12:23

It isn't funny and was thoughtless. It is changing slowly but at the moment Mental Health is still an acceptable target for jokes. Think of the awful 'joke' thread about the woman obsessing about her husband eating burnt cakes. People were very quick to accuse her of having mental health issues and yet we are somehow meant to find it funny that a regular MNetter was pretending to be someone with obvious mental health issues. I don't think I've explained myself but if someone came on and was pretending to have cancer for a laugh it would totally unacceptable. Likewise, as you said, if you changed the facebook post to another illness it would not be ok. I think people often put stuff on facebook without a care and your friend probably did the same and would be shocked if she knew you were upset.

I know what you mean when you say you don't need tip-toeing around but just a little respect and understanding. I recently 'came out' about my mental health issues (GAD, depression) to my in-laws. For 10 years I've suffered and have felt too ashamed to ever actually talk about it.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2013 12:27

reason I am suggesting this is because of her comment above it, it is clearly directed at someone

See I don't think it was.

I read it as a general 'You know who you all are, you mad lot!'

Cringeworthy and very David Brent

But not personal imo.

It's like those cheesy signs that say, "You don't have to be mad to work here but it helps".

Taken literally that would mean applicants with diagnosed mental disorders would find working there easier than those with no mental health issues.

But clearly it's not meant to be taken literally.

Original poster
lolaflores · 23/01/2013 12:30

My MH "details" are out there, but it is on the hush. Dirty topic. I am open about it but there is discomfort talking to me on the subject one to one but make ill judged comments such as that which do not level the playing field which is possibly what she meant.
FFS
I understand about coming out on the subject. I knew how some would react, behind my back, not to my face. Whispering is so much more dignified , I don't hear it directly though some events have been reported back. A consideration I wasn't sure how to deal with either.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 23/01/2013 12:32

But Worra with my compliated world view, I am not often able to be objective. Do you see? Where someone might pass it off, I can get bogged down in that for a looooongggg time. Howevver I am trying to handle it differently and not stewing with it so this is really helping. If I can see that to others it is not meant literally then I can relax a bit. Perhaps before I would be in pieces. So something positive achieved.
Thanks MN

OP posts:
Branleuse · 23/01/2013 12:33

oversensitive. I think it sounds like shes fond of you and relates to you.