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AIBU?

To ask if you would let a new boyfriend bathe your 7 year old daughter?

144 replies

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 22/01/2013 14:47

A friend of mine did this and I am not suggesting anything untoward went on at all but I found it very odd.

This little girl has had to cope to witnessing DV and now has to cope with a new man in her life almost immediately that her father left. Now 'friend' has him bathing her and completely stripping away her dignity imo.

AIBU to give this 'friend' a piece of my mind?

OP posts:

Report

Remotecontrolduck · 22/01/2013 16:26

Aw OP

What happened to you was wrong and there is absolutely no way you are over reacting

There's definitely a lot of paedo hysteria about, but there's a hell of a lot of genuinely awful things people turn a blind eye to. I'm amazed anyone on this thread has said the set up described in your OP 'could' be ok.

Keep on with the therapy, what an awful thng to have to have had to deal with. Stay strong x

AuntieMaggie · 22/01/2013 16:26

I'm sorry Teen.

No actually washing you let alone with a nailbrush is not right.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 22/01/2013 16:29

Thank you all for your best wishes.

Therapy is helping but at times like today, I wish I had just stayed the panic stricken wreck I have been and not dredged all this up! It totally explains my over protectiveness to my DCs though.

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 22/01/2013 16:31

My first thought when I read the OP was no. I would not. It isn't right. A new boyfriend. After such a difficult time for the child. The age of the child... not appropriate.

Then I read your later post where you disclose the child was you

It was inappropriate and I am not surprised that you have these feelings about it.

And a nailbrush? What the hell. That's just , well, I don't know why anyone would choose to use a nailbrush.

GoldenHandshake · 22/01/2013 16:32

No way, for me this would set all sorts of internal alarm bells ringing. And any man with a smidgeon of awareness would feel uncomfortable with that whole situation too.

GoldenHandshake · 22/01/2013 16:33

Oh jesus that will teach me to read the whole thread before posting, Teen I am so sorry

HighBrows · 22/01/2013 16:33

Op I feel so sad for you, keep up the therapy.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 22/01/2013 16:46

I think the memory block thing is quite common. I don't have as many childhood memories as other people seem to and i was abused too.

The nail brush thing sounds painful

LaQueen · 22/01/2013 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crashdoll · 22/01/2013 16:48

Teen Sorry you're having a difficult day with these thoughts. On a personal level, some days I am fine with my own difficult thoughts and other times, I question myself and feel extra anxious. I don't know if you have the sort of theraputic relationship where you can text/email/phone on bad days or if writing helps but it can be productive to get it on paper and out of your head, even if no one else ever sees it. Also, just to add to the list of people who said this was wrong, it was very, very wrong and I'm truly sorry it happened to you. If you need some support, why not post a thread somewhere else on MN. I know it can get bitchy and argumentative in here but many people are really supportive, helpful and genuinely want to help. Take good care of yourself.

CailinDana · 22/01/2013 16:49

I agree with fuckadoodle. I have an extremely clear memory of the bath incident but very little memory of the other abuse, even though I do know in a sort of intellectual way what happened IYSWIM. I could tell you what he did, but I have no actual recall of it happening. Huge parts of my childhood are completely blank.

leeloo1 · 22/01/2013 16:50

'And a nailbrush? What the hell. That's just , well, I don't know why anyone would choose to use a nailbrush.'

I imagine because its cruel, would be uncomfortable/painful - depending how hard it was used - but would be within the remit of 'normal' (i.e. she was so muddy I had to use a nailbrush to get it off') if he was ever questioned on it.

OP I'm so sorry to hear this was happened you and I hope that therapy helps in the long run. Whilst it must be hard to dredge up these memories and deal with them, I think you're very brave for doing so. Please be kind to yourself. ([unmumsnetty hugs])

claudedebussy · 22/01/2013 16:57

i'm so sorry teentwins. your mum failed you badly there.

just remember you are not her, you won't fail your kids and you didn't deserve it.

CommanderShepard · 22/01/2013 17:06

Oh, Teen. :( I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserved much better and you were failed by those supposed to protect you. You are complely reasonable to be upset by this and I really hope therapy helps you.

ExpatAl · 22/01/2013 17:08

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you're getting good support in RL.

LaQ I completely agree. Have seen it lots too.

IRCL · 22/01/2013 17:24

:( Sorry you are having a shit day OP. It is inappropriate especially at 7.

This thread has me a little worried now, me and my partner live together, been together nearly 2 years and recently sometimes sits in the bathroom whilst DD has a bath, DD is just turned three. I am in the house but usually cooking dinner or something like that when DD decided to get messy poo in her knickers

I don't have any concerns and DP is great with her, she dotes on him and his family. In fact I think she dotes on him more than me!

Worried this is massively wrong now though, he washes her hair with a jug as I do. Sorry to thread hijack! I have known DP for years as well.

EuroShagmore · 22/01/2013 17:24

OP, I'm very sorry that this happened to you. I hope the therapy helps.

Tailtwister · 22/01/2013 17:28

No, definitely not! Even if she still needed help (washing her hair for instance), there's no way I would allow my new boyfriend in the bathroom, let alone 'help' her. At worst he's up to something, at best it's embarrassing for the little girl and inappropriate.

stephrick · 22/01/2013 17:28

a big no, I would not find this comfortable at all, in fact i don't think i've seen my own children naked since they were 7, well maybe 8 .

insertsomethingwitty · 22/01/2013 17:33

No definitely not. I have remarried and my husband never bathes my older two girls who are 5 and 6. He has been in their life for years but it's still not something he would feel comfortable with, he wouldn't be naked around them either. He is a very hands on father / step- father but no need at all for him to do those things.

AKissIsNotAContract · 22/01/2013 17:36

Teen so sorry to hear what you went through.

GaryBarlowsPants · 22/01/2013 17:45

YANBU - Alarm bells are ringing. A good friend of mine was abused whilst being bathed by her mother's 'friend'.
If I were you I wouldn't be able to stay quiet about this - your friend is deluded if she thinks this is Ok. Please say something. Even if she is defensive, you may plant a seed of doubt in her mind.

GaryBarlowsPants · 22/01/2013 17:49

So sorry to all the posters on this thread who've been through similar - un MN-y hugs to you all ((((hugs))))

fallon8 · 22/01/2013 21:22

You already know the answer yourself,you feel uneasy about this,,drop him like a hot cake

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 22/01/2013 21:32

it is absolutely wrong.

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