to be fed up with DSS2 staring at DD when she's sleeping on my exposed boob?

[Enfyshedd]

DSS2 is 6, DD is 8mo.

I'll admit that DSS2 has been irritating me a bit recently (like constantly losing his school shoes in his room by chucking his comics, toys & dirty laundry on top of them and when he nearly brained DD yesterday with a wooden shape sorter toy when he lost his grip when swinging it around ), but kneeling up on a chair to stare at a sleeping, BFing DD is really bugging me right now.

Anyone have any ideas on how to get him to stop looking?

I think you need help as a family, also your dh too having the PTSD, he needs help with that

I agree dojo, mabey going to the bedroom to feed might not be a bad idea and having some privacy

You sound so very cold and unloving :( I have a 6 yr old dgs and it is heartbreaking to imagine him feeling as your dss must feel. Unwanted by his mum and to some extent rejected/pushed aside by you-it is so sad.

He's playing on my mind now, his mum didn't want him but now has a dd that she apparently does want

Fwiw if you have pnd then you are probably doing better than you think. I suspect that by posting here there is a part of you that is uncomfortable with your relationship with your dss and aware that he needs more from you.
I say you are probably doing better than you think as a lot of the time depression can make you very self critical, even in a subliminal way iykwim.

I do hope you seek out the help you need, it is nothing to be ashamed of. From your posts it is evident that you want something to change but that won't happen until you seek help. If you had a broken arm you would get it sorted wouldn't you? Try and see this as the same thing, it's a medical condition that is treatable.

Of course I'm not qualified to diagnose pnd, over the Internet or otherwise but I do think there is something going on and it doesn't hurt to check.

I am recovering from pnd. The health visitor did not have a clue and I was monitored very closely because I had twins. I had what you describe a very detached feeling towardsy children. I remember my little girl was crying. I was giving her food and drink and checked her nappy and couldn't think what she wanted. She wanted me plain and simple. I just didn't get it. (I wasn't a first time mum so really should have known better.) anyway you are describing how I felt but everyone commented on how well I was doing. I think you need to ring HV or GP in the morning.

I can actually sympathise. I'm SM to a little boy who is also 6. My DD is 6m old. DSS can range from being annoying little shithead to superstar, but that's not his fault, that's all children.

I found BF'ing initially very very hard and DSS was interested in what was happening and stared. Stared. No loving gaze, no curious glancing, it was staring. I hated it, it made me feel vulnerable that he would crane over me and breathe on my boobs and try to prod very poorly concentrating DD. It wasn't the fact that he was staring at my breasts or at my baby, but my personal space was compromised which I found stressful when trying to feed.

What I came to realise though that he was trying really hard to be nice. He had no idea I found it overbearing or that I was feeling very pressurised to feed DD successfully. How could he? I'm no longer BF'ing but I spoke to my DP about it whilst sobbing and feeling awful and he had a gentle talk to DSS about how it was fine to be interested and ask questions but that it was not fine to clamber all over somebody without their permission, whether they were breastfeeding or not.

He took it all in his stride, which was more than I ever managed. I'm so proud of how he behaves around his baby sister and having her has strengthened our relationship so so much and I was panicking that I was a massive bitch and going to destroy the relationship he had with his father.

Disclaimer for any of the secretive amateur-psychologists, yes I was diagnosed with PND. And I love my DSS so so much. It was a rocky start but we got all the crap out of the way early on and now we have a really strong bond. He's awesome I think I actually love him more than I do my DP.

In short, OP, give DSS a chance. He's a good kid underneath all the toy-lobbing. Honest

Also, DP now comes home to the 3 of us having boob-based cuddles in front of the TV. And I fucking love it

Aww that's great pickles . He probably wants a hug and to be praised, his mum has rejected him and his dad dies not sound like he s affectionate towards his ds. do you do that op, not only telling him off when he has done wrong but being affectionate towards him. This is all your issues, nothing that he has done wrong, his behaviour does not sound out of the ordinary

FFS OP

Can you remember being 6 and how confusing it can be?

His mother walked out on him, that is not his fault.

There is a big age gap with his older brother, again not his fault.

He had no choice in the partner (you) his father picked.

Now he has a baby sister, and I'm sure there have been chats about how he isn't the baby anymore.

So he is acting like a 6 year old with a new sibling.

Please just give him a cuddle and tell him he is loved.

This thread is so sad.

I'll have him. He can come and live with me and I'll love him.

I'm 38 and I've spent my whole life knowing that my mother didn't love me, was irritated by me and found me a huge inconvenience. It's taken it's toll. 32 years of desperate loneliness and sadness plus 20+ of mental health problems and a failed marriage because I just don't believe anyone could love me (amongst other things) are testament to it.

Send him my way.

FolkGirl, fight you for him

He's your baby's Big Brother. Give him a place in her life.

This has made me feel quite

The poor kid is just showing an interest in you feeding the baby, not trying to cop a peek at your chebs.

As for the losing the school shoes- that's just normal 6 year old behaviour.

Maybe try to go a bit easier on him and understand that he might be feeling a wee bit unsettled with the new arrival.

You've been through alot op.

Traumatic birth, first baby, another child to look after, now coping with going back to work.

I'm just wondering if you are focusing on the little boy as a source of your anxiety when really you should be examining your own feelings about what has/is happening.

It's not about him- it's about you, so try to be loving and kind to him even if it is an effort.

Tryharder, think that's a bit out of line.

I agree sirboob, that wasn't called for.

Some people forget how hard it is being a first time mother - and it must be doubly difficult with birth complications and other children in the mix

I hope op is ok

FGS he is 6 years old I thought he was a teenager and you were uncomfortable, he is looking at HIS sister sleeping or feeding it is natural to be curious and he is 6 years old give the kid a break and find yourself some stress relief so much anger over a little boy, oh and get a cover and cover yourself or go away and feed her if you want a private moment with the baby,

It is very hard to deal with an older child if you are suffering from PND or birth trauma.

But you cannot lay that on a 6-year old. It is your responsibility as an adult to get treatment if you need it and if you are not well enough to organise it, it is the responsibility of your dh to support you to do that.

The situation of what to do with the older child when breastfeeding is one that arises in every family that has more than one child. Dd was younger than your dss, so less easy to reason with and far more violent (she would deliberately launch herself on ds when he was at the boob and try to pull at his arms or deliberately throw things at his head). It was not easy. Even so, it was my responsibility to manage the situation so that she still felt loved and cherished. We managed by inventing a game that we all "played" together.

The fact that he is your dss and not your ds1 makes no difference to his needs. If you are the adult there and in charge, then he needs the same emotional support from you that your dd will need when she is 6- plus possibly extra for the upheaval in his life.

Most parents of more than one child have a plan for how they will engage the older child when breastfeeding the younger. A younger child can be encouraged to "breastfeed" a doll, an older child can be read aloud to or sung to.

In your case, maybe your dss could read aloud to you? Maybe present it as something he could do to help you? Or you could have a special story tape or something that the two of you listen to while you are feeding? If he can't fit onto the sofa, can he have a special chair or cushion next to you?

The more you manage it pro-actively, the easier it will get, not least for you.

Oh dear this is really sad

I think you sound like you could do with a chat with the HV from your reaction to 'missing the baby's fontanelle by 3 inches' alone - your dd is 8 months not a new born, baby's get battered by their siblings all the time. It's not ideal but really normal. I wouldn't assume a child needed to go to A and E because of a bang with a toy. You sound overly anxious - something I recognise from having had a baby in SCBU myself.

Your obvious dislike for you stepson is clear from your post, he's six, not much more than a baby himself who is probably going through a whole host of emotions at the moment, please have some understanding for him.

Could you read to him while you BF?

Op, it does sound like you are struggling and really should speak to your GP.

Why don't you tell your DSS to get off the chair and go and get a book so that he can read a story to his sister while she feeds. He can sit on the floor leaning against the sofa if there's no room (I think you said you need to stretch out while feeding). He will start to feel include and like he is doing something for his sister and spending time with you too, rather than just an outsider looking in which is how he seems now.

If there are times when you just want some peace, then go to your room to feed your DD.

How often does he stand and watch? Have you explained to him what you're doing, what his little sister is doing and why?

It is hard adjusting to life with a new baby but take some time out for your step children, they look to you for love and support as you are their main mother figure. Imagine your DD at 6, imagine your DP had a new partner and they made her feel pushed out with a new baby- how would you feel?

Get to the GP and get some help. Do not blame this young child for your problems, it is not his fault. He did not ask for all this to happen to him. He needs love and support to help him adjust before you and your partner really affect his mental health.

Please please don't blame him. Nothing of this situation is his fault.

When my DS was 8mo I found DD (2.11y at the time) v hard work - a lot of it was because in contrast DS was totally adorable at that age, smiley, interactive, just crawling and so lovely. It became a vicious circle with DD getting a bit jealous of all the extra attention DS got (as I was chasing him everywhere), so she played up. It sounds like similar is happening here TBH.

He didn't mean to hit her with the toy. And "missed her fontanelle by less than 3 inches", well, it was an accident. None of us want our children hurt but you are coming across v PFB. I expect your DSS is feeling very pushed out - you've been there for him for 4.5y and suddenly all your attention is on your DD.

Just put a muslin over yourself. I do the same when DS falls asleep on my breast when we're alone in the house.