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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up with DSS2 staring at DD when she's sleeping on my exposed boob?

230 replies

Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 19:28

DSS2 is 6, DD is 8mo.

I'll admit that DSS2 has been irritating me a bit recently (like constantly losing his school shoes in his room by chucking his comics, toys & dirty laundry on top of them and when he nearly brained DD yesterday with a wooden shape sorter toy when he lost his grip when swinging it around Angry), but kneeling up on a chair to stare at a sleeping, BFing DD is really bugging me right now.

Anyone have any ideas on how to get him to stop looking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 23:01

Holla - I end up lying across the little sofa to feed DD (neck/shoulder problems make normal cradle hold painful for me - not really an option to get DSS2 to sit down next to me once DD's asleep. And his "D"M is around - DSSs see her twice a week.

Vinegar - I just want some privacy for my body without having to isolate myself; is that hard to understand "without getting too amateur-psychologist?

hidden - Right now, I don't feel like I'm cut out to have kids. I feel detached to DD half the time, like I look at her and can't work out what I'm supposed to do or feel. In that sense, I feel the same for her as I do for DSS1 & 2.

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 21/01/2013 23:02

how yare you going to breast feed when you go back to work next week?

MarianneM · 21/01/2013 23:04

OP, of course it is tough with a baby and demanding older children too.

Could you be depressed maybe? Do talk to your GP or health visitor, it might help!

CaptainVonTrapp · 21/01/2013 23:06

So is this about him staring at the baby, staring at your boob or something else?

Hyperballad · 21/01/2013 23:06

My heart is heavy reading this.

OP, please ask him to come off the chair and snuggle into you and his baby sister. Get him to bring over his favourite book or snuggle toy and please let him share these precious moments with you.

I just cannot relate to your attitude towards him at all. I'm so sad for him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2013 23:07

OP have you been to see your GP? Because I think it is highly likely that you've got PND. The level of detachment you are showing towards all your children is not normal, not at all.

HopAndSkip · 21/01/2013 23:08

To this boy, you are the only mum he will remember, I'll bet he views you as a mother figure, more than as his step mum.

Now he's suddenly got a small baby who he may be aware is "more" your child than he is by being biologically yours, and is getting more attention.

The reason he he's watching breast feeding could be because he keeps seeing DD get attention while bf, and is wondering why it's such a special time for you and DD, and trying to join in.

Also the "naughty behaviour" sounds like him looking for attention, especially as you said it's only been recently.

Try to view DSS as your DS. You're the only mum he has. If he grows up to dislike and resent you, I can't imagine it will do much good for your relationship with DD when she's old enough to talk to him about things either.

And SCBU shouldn't effect your behavior with her for that long, I'm not being sarcastic here, I genuinely am wondering if you should speak to HV or GP about it if you're feeling anxious still. My DD spent her first 3 weeks in NICU and it made me feel a bit over-protective for the first 2-3 months, but it shouldn't be ruling your parenting of DD still.

Aspiemum2 · 21/01/2013 23:08

Feeling detached isn't great, it sounds like you're struggling and focusing that negativity on your dss (who sounds perfectly normal btw). Have you felt like this for long or just recently as work gets closer?
Either way I think it would be wise to speak to your gp or hv.

And please, your dss needs your love too. He is just a little boy and as you are one of his primary care givers you need to really take a long hard look at how you are treating him. It's not fair to take on such a significant role in his life if you're not prepared to give him your time, love and affection

CuriousMama · 21/01/2013 23:12

Sad He will be feeling pushed out by the sounds of it. Really feel sorry for him. Abandoned by his mother and now this.

HopAndSkip · 21/01/2013 23:12

Sorry x post only just seen that he see's his mum.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 23:15

Northern - DP's opinion on other peoples opinions is that they can all take a long walk off a short pier. Pointless to show him this, but I do raise things with him when they get to a certain point.

Floral - Maybe I wouldn't have started this thread if DSS was my bio DS, but I can't honestly answer that as I have no other bio children.

Ali, Hop & Aspie - Pretty sure HV's have been watching me for PND, especially due to stress caused by ExP being a twunt.

OP posts:
VinegarDrinker · 21/01/2013 23:16

I would echo what the others said about seeing your GP.

Of course it is your body and you can choose to share as much of it or as little as you like with whoever you like. But the onus is on you, not him. You are the adult. Are you deliberately ignoring all the suggestions about how to BF "discreetly" or cover yourself up? This would seem to be the glaringly obvious solution. There really is no need to have your whole boob uncovered if it makes you uncomfortable.

I do wonder though whether you would be even thinking about writing this if he was a) your bio son or B) a girl.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 21/01/2013 23:17

You sound depressed Enfy, and your baby sounds quite hard work. I suspect this isnt about your DSS at all but more about you struggling to cope. Maybe going and having a a chat with the Dr sounds like a good idea. Does your DP help out, and how was your relationship with your DSS before the baby?

DoodlesNoodles · 21/01/2013 23:18

When I was BF my youngest I would often use that time for a quiet snuggle and read with their older sibling. It was nice to all be relaxed and close together.

VinegarDrinker · 21/01/2013 23:22

If he also has another sister who lives with his Mum I imagine another new sister is bringing up all kind of difficult emotions for him in terms of new sister/rejection memories.

I do think you need to think about trying to get her to sleep in a sling, on your DP or somewhere else that isn't you. She is going to need daytime naps for another 2 years or so. Is it really fair to DSS for you to be unavailable even for cuddles for several hours every day? It isn't easy (my DS was very similar in terms of napping, we dealt with it by slinging him so at least I could move around) but you have 3 children's needs to take into account, not just her.

AllYoursBabooshka · 21/01/2013 23:23

He's not looking at nor does he give a rats arse about your breasts, he's looking at his sister.

Poor child.

KitchenandJumble · 21/01/2013 23:24

I feel so sorry for this little one. He must think that all the significant adults in his life have either abandoned him or replaced him. And now they are getting fed up and annoyed by everything he does. He is probably playing up for attention (losing things, playing with his toys too close to the baby, etc.). But even something completely innocent (watching his little sister) has now been earmarked as wrong.

I'm sorry you are feeling detached, OP. Can you speak to your doctor about this? It doesn't sound like you are enjoying motherhood, and I wonder whether your DD's traumatic birth may have affected you emotionally? Nothing surprising about that, of course, but it might be worth getting checked out.

But please, be kind and loving and reassuring to your DSS. He is a child and he needs you. The circumstances of his mother leaving must have affected him enormously.

SirBoobAlot · 21/01/2013 23:34

I was ready to come on and be rather harsh after your first post, but your others are ringing alarm bells for depression to me.

Logically - your DSS is acting entirely normally, and it sounds like he is a combination of excited, enthusiastic and anxious about being pushed out of the picture. So I think you need to accept that you are making this into a much bigger deal than it really is, and then look at why you are doing that.

Speak to your HV, or to your GP, preferably before you go back to work, because as much as being back at work might provide some respite from being a full time mum, you will still have all the stresses when you get home, and it sounds as though you maybe aren't coping with them all right now.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 23:35

Vinegar - Short of covering DD's head completely, I don't know I could cover up any more. Big blanket ruched up over DD, top lifted just enough to expose nipple to DD without her eating the top as well, and a laptop at the front so the only way he could look was by standing on the chair. Sling works for calming her down in the evenings, but she only seems to sleep in it if I take her for a walk (not really an option with all the snow & ice on the ground!).

Dreams - DP does help out, but had problems up until just over a month ago due to PTSD - whenever DD cried, he would get a splitting headache and would not be able to look after her. It's only just before Xmas that he was finally able to cope with her (says his brain seems to have rewired himself).

Kitchen - I know I was in shock for the first few hours after DD's birth; I could barely talk and couldn't move. Sometimes it feels like that feeling has never quite gone away, if you know what I mean?

Time for bed for us anyway. Tomorrow's another day (hopefully not another snow day which means we can't leave the street again though), and need try to deal with things better.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 23:40

I have changed my mind about you too, OP

I think you need some help. I recommend you speak to your HV or GP as a matter of urgency to seek some advice for all of you.

Your husband also needs some talking therapy of some description.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2013 23:42

Well no wonder the poor kid is playing up a bit if his Dad and you have both been having mental health problems.

I really think you need to seek some help, for everyone's sake.

SirBoobAlot · 21/01/2013 23:44

In that case, both you and your DP need to access some support.

And please stop blocking your DSS out when you are feeding, as it will all just go around in a vicious circle the more you exclude him.

Contact your GP asap.

duchesse · 21/01/2013 23:44

Dear god, the child is 6! He probably finds his little sister adorable.

pigletmania · 21/01/2013 23:50

It does sound as if everything is coming in on you, and little problems are becoming to be big problems because of the difficulties of coping that you probably have. yes do seek help. Your DSS might be looking like an outsider looks in, envying the bond you have with your dd and mabey wishing he had the same with either his mum or you. so be more understanding and empathetic to your dss, really the only way you are going to do this if you receive help

DoJo · 21/01/2013 23:51

It sounds as though your problem with DSS is just a symptom of something else wrong - he is coming in for a lot of blame when it sounds as though your DP hasn't been much help (perhaps not his fault, but can't have made your life any easier), your ex is actively making your life difficult and you yourself are having concerns about the way things are going. I do understand that it might feel intrusive, but if it really bothers you that much then I can't see how going to the bedroom is such a bad idea - it would give you some time away from the boisterousness of two snow confined youngsters, some time alone with your daughter to enjoy the closeness and a chance to take a few deep breaths and try to avoid saying anything which might really hurt this boy.