Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be fed up with DSS2 staring at DD when she's sleeping on my exposed boob?

230 replies

Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 19:28

DSS2 is 6, DD is 8mo.

I'll admit that DSS2 has been irritating me a bit recently (like constantly losing his school shoes in his room by chucking his comics, toys & dirty laundry on top of them and when he nearly brained DD yesterday with a wooden shape sorter toy when he lost his grip when swinging it around Angry), but kneeling up on a chair to stare at a sleeping, BFing DD is really bugging me right now.

Anyone have any ideas on how to get him to stop looking?

OP posts:
fluffygal · 21/01/2013 21:54

Oh fgs if he is staring at her breast and it makes OP feel uncomfortable then she is allowed to stop him, or are her breasts public property now she's bfing? I don't see why a thread is needed, just tell him 'please stop staring'? All this feeling sorry for the boy and thinking he must not get any attention is a complete overreaction!

I have two DSS's who are 5 and 6, been their mum since they were babies and no, I would not feel comfortable with them staring at my breasts. I also have a 7 year old DS and feel the same with him. I am happy to be naked around them, but staring by anyone makes me uncomfortable.

Aspiemum2 · 21/01/2013 21:57

Actually the OP said he was staring at the baby not the breast

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 22:14

I'm back - just been busy.

To try and address the points raised here:

  • Yes, DD is PFB - she also spent a week in SCBU due to oxygen depravation so I am probably extra funny about her at times.
  • DSS2's got a habit of shaking toys really close to DD's face/head - we keep telling him not to do that (DP & I were very serious explaining that if he'd hit DD with the wooden toy last night - missed her fontanelle by less than 3 inches - then it would have meant a trip to hospital).
  • I knew DSS1 & 2 for 2 years before DP & I got together 2.5 years ago (DP & I were friends and were both in different relationships when we met)
  • DSSs' "D"M walked out on them when DSS2 was 2. DP has custody and DSSs live with us.
  • DD will not sleep without me unless out in the pram and at the moment is tending to stay latched in her sleep as she's teething (cut 2 teeth this week and another 2 look like they're on the way within a week). DD's head is next to my breast.
  • The only other room available to feed in would be the bedroom and I would be 2 floors away from everyone else on my own with DD.
  • I am not an exhibitionist - apart from the local BF support group, I rarely BF'd out of the home and mainly in specific baby feeding rooms unless really desperate.
  • I was lying on the sofa with my top pulled up to just above the nipple and a big blanket pulled up up to DD's shoulder. DSS2 was standing on the chair next to the sofa to look over everything.
  • I (& DP) have answered his questions re. me BFing a thousand times previously - none have been asked for months.
  • He's been really hard work for DP & I since last Friday (snow day) - DP's been getting very frustrated with him as well. This evening, he's also managed to catch DSS1 (14) in the balls while they were mucking about and break a photoframe given to him by his DGM which was supposed to be on the shelf (I put it back up there last week, but he'd taken down and chucked on the floor again). He does get a lot of attention from DP (& I when DD isn't asleep), but he is totally full on at the moment.
-The other people in the house are DSS1 (14) who in normal teenage boy fashion will avoid looking at my boobs at all costs, and DP who I (obviously) don't have a propblem with seeing my boobs.

It was just the fact he was standing on a chair (when he'd been told not to stand on the chair 4 times today before this happened) to look over everything. I'm trying to maintain some illusion of privacy, but short of isolating myself from the rest of the house --and being bored because I can't talk to anyone, read or MN/FB in the bedroom (nowhere to put laptop), it seems that I have no choice but to keep asking him to stop looking (because it does make me feel uncomfortable).

OP posts:
BrokenBritain · 21/01/2013 22:19

Would you mind so much if your child does this in a few years time if you had a second child?

TheFallenNinja · 21/01/2013 22:21

You should be able to take a 6 year old, easy Smile

gordyslovesheep · 21/01/2013 22:21

he is behaving as a perfectly normal 6 year old child though - you seem to want to find fault with him

he is a Child - behave OP - you are grown up - let it go

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 22:22

The only answer I can give to that is that I have no intention of having anymore children more than slightly traumatised by DD's arrival.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 21/01/2013 22:25

It really sounds like he's looking at his sister rather than at your breasts. I have no experience of this, but could he take some responsibility for her (getting nappies when she needs a change? Putting an extra blanket over her when she's fallen asleep?) so that he feels more involved?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 21/01/2013 22:27

Posted too soon...

His life's been turned upside down by his sisrer's arrival so its pretty understandable that he'd be fascinated by this tiny person that has changed everything

AnnIonicIsoTronic · 21/01/2013 22:27

That sounds like a high-needs hardwork baby.

Are you getting any respite?

Snow days don't help - but I recommend lots of park walks to get your dd to sleep, give you some air & dss2 some exercise to burn off steam.

Angelico · 21/01/2013 22:27

OP I am trying to be sympathetic to a point but you just sound like your DSS is pissing you off and generally hard work now that you have a baby. This is understandable to some degree but he needs reassurance. Can't you try and think of it as time to bond with him and chat to him while she is sleeping?

And tbh if you can breastfeed in front of a group of women at a bfing group (presumably most of whom were strangers to start with) I don't see how a child can make you feel uncomfortable.

KitchenandJumble · 21/01/2013 22:29

Poor little boy. He was abandoned by his birth mother when he was only 2, and now he may well be feeling a bit displaced by the arrival of his little sister. He needs extra attention and reassurance, I would think.

Nothing he is doing sounds at all out of the ordinary to me. Let him be a child and don't interpret his actions as though he were an adult.

CaptainVonTrapp · 21/01/2013 22:30

Repeatedly standing on furniture after being told not to, needing constant reminders/guidance about behaviour, messy, frustrating... Yes a typical six year old. Hard work, especially if you're tired.

But gazing adoringly at his new sister. What's wrong with that?

MarianneM · 21/01/2013 22:33

His mother is not around. He wants your love and attention.

Children behave in all sorts of strange and often naughty ways to get attention.

Not that looking at you or the baby is in any way strange or naughty.

He just needs you.

pigletmania · 21/01/2013 22:34

I agree with Angelico, he just curious, if you can bf in front of a group of women than should not b too difficult fmor dss. Cover up, ou don't have too expose your breasts

SaggyOldPregnantCatpuss · 21/01/2013 22:35

Give the kid a break FFS!

NorthernLurker · 21/01/2013 22:36

OP - umpteen messages challenging your parenting of this child and you just respond with more self justification.

I feel so sorry for your stepson Sad. Would you show dp this thread? If not, why not?

MarianneM · 21/01/2013 22:37

I was just saying to DH today that often when DD1 is at her most naughty and challenging she just wants cuddles and reassurance - although of course it's hard to be loving and patient when children are very naughty.

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 22:38

AnnIonic I've spent a minimum of 5 hours a day for months out with DD, so she gets plenty of fresh air to help her sleep. DSS2 is normally in school when I'm doing this. She is high needs - my respite is me returning to work next week!!

ATruth & Kitchen - DSSs have another DSis (3) on their mother's side.

Kitchen & everyone else who's said the "don't interpret his actions as if he's an adult" thing - I'm not. It's just the staring was bugging me. I know he's looking at DD, but my boob is right there next to it.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 21/01/2013 22:40

somebody once told me 'a child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least' - simply put he is acting up because he misses you and he is watching you because he wants you - please stop being cross with him and give him a hug

MarianneM · 21/01/2013 22:40

OP, you sound very detached.

CaptainVonTrapp · 21/01/2013 22:41

Well cover it up then!

I used to stare at my newborns. They're amazing!

VinegarDrinker · 21/01/2013 22:43

Surely if it makes you that uncomfortable you can pull your top down right to her head so there is no breast at all visible? Are you doing the two top thing (pull one up and one down)? I would even go as far muslin over her head but it may then be difficult to teach him why it isn't ok for him to do that to her! Can you get yourself covered so you feel happy then get him close for cuddles/stories/TV with you?

I can well understand his frstration if she has all her naps on you and you are therefore unavailable to him for a large portion of the day. Can you get a sling so you can still play with him while she sleeps? Are you ready to try and gently teach her to stay asleep for short periods not on you? (Bouncer, hammock, pram?).

hiddenhome · 21/01/2013 22:44

Get over yourself OP. the poor kid's mother has abandoned him and you clearly don't even like him. If you carry on like this you'll have more to worry about than him standing on furniture and watching you bf Hmm

Original poster
Enfyshedd · 21/01/2013 22:44

*her face is right next to my boob/my boob is right next to her face.

DP pulled me up for being a bit snappy with DSS2 yesterday. Am tired due to teething DD, dealing with crap caused by ExP, and getting nervous about returning to work. An over-enthusiastic 6yo who's own DF is getting fed up with a recent spate of back-chatting is not the easiest thing to handle on top.

OP posts: