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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have shouted at a women in the Asda toilet

425 replies

pinkmagic1 · 20/01/2013 20:11

Was in Asda this morning getting a bit of shopping for my nan and my 8 year old ds decided he needed the loo. Sometimes he uses the mans but sometimes he prefers to come with me into the ladies. I personally don't see a problem with this, he is only 8 ffs. However there was a women in there who whilst my ds was washing his hands and after looking at him like something she had scraped off the bottom of her shoe asked me how old my ds was. I told her he is 8, she then proceeded to tell me it was terrible that I should let him use the ladies and he should be able to manage perfectly well on his own! She then made a speedy exit and I shouted after her 'mind your own business you miserable cow!' I was really shook up by the whole incident but aibu?

OP posts:
countrykitten · 22/01/2013 22:29

So at what age do you think they can go in to the loos by themselves....21? 43?

LineRunner · 22/01/2013 22:36

Where I live the Police once asked asked for a men's public convenience to be closed for a while, to halt the cycle of inappropriate activity.

I would never let my son go into them alone while he was a child.

Call me crazy.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 22/01/2013 22:47

no one has given a good reason yet as to why a pre-pubescent boy shouldn't go into the ladies with his mum

Picturesinthefirelight · 22/01/2013 22:49

Because there isn't one!

Catchingmockingbirds · 22/01/2013 22:50

I think the Asda toilets are nicer than Morrisons toilets Smile, just saying.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 22/01/2013 22:52

my local sainsburys has a baby changing room that has a toilet cubicle in it. Problem solved!

akaemmafrost · 22/01/2013 23:01

countrykitten ds will be allowed to enter the mens alone only when he meets the following criteria

  1. Has a black belt in karate.
  1. Has the ability to wrestle himself away from me in order to enter them alone.

HTH Smile.

boredSAHMof4 · 23/01/2013 08:28

The boy raped in the Debenhams toilet was 14.Do you plan to take your DSs into the ladies toilets until then!!!!!!!

KhallDrogo · 23/01/2013 08:37

You know your children are more likely to be abused by someone they know?

Girls are raped much more often, in a variety of venues....you don't keep them indoors or shaperoned do you?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 23/01/2013 08:47

If you are talking pre pubescent girls then I don't think anyone has suggested that they would chaperone a boy that age and not a girl

ledkr · 23/01/2013 08:52

I think you were right to shout at her. I can't stand these people who thinks its their job to go around putting people in their place. I think it's good when someone puts them back on theirs!

Moominsarescary · 23/01/2013 09:30

The thing is the op has said he didn't want to go to the toilet on his own, some times he does other times he doesnt.

In the same situation would you send your dd on her own, even though she didn't want to or would you go with her?

PessaryPam · 23/01/2013 09:32

countrykitten PessaryPam 'the old slag'...FFS. Words fail me

FFS? Do you know what that stands for Ms Prim? And do you read everything literally with no humour?

ooer · 23/01/2013 09:51

I don't have any daughters but I have a niece, and I have to admit we are quite protective of her - I allow my streetwise 13-yr-old DS1 to take the bus/train into town on his own [he is met at the other end], but we always make sure DN (aged 15) is accompanied).

I wouldn't insist on accompanying her into the ladies' toilets, but I would normally be close by, waiting outside. (And it wouldn't particularly bother me if there was a boy in there with his mum - even if it made her feel uncomfortable, I think the mum's worries about his safety must come first.

It's a risk analysis thing - boils down to my assessment of the risk of them being approached, what I think they could do about it if they were approached [depends to some extent on the individual and their capabilities], the level of harm that could ostensibly result, and the measures I can take to control the risk.

I know you can't sweep away risks altogether and kids have to learn how to deal with risks, but we need to keep in mind their capabilities.

And yes I know there are lots of other risks, and I try to deal with them appropriately too.

I do think men's toilets are dodgier than women's, and having taken the odd wrong turning in a pub or restaurant, ime they're usually scuzzier [looks down nose].

Original poster
pinkmagic1 · 23/01/2013 09:52

Bloody hell, I have never started a thread before that has generated so many posts!

Narnianarnia, I have said that maybe I shouldn't have shouted what I did but it was a split second reaction and not something I do daily. I really don't think my son is going to grow up shouting at people because of a one of incident do you? Also as I stated before if you had cared to read through the thread, the women in question shouted her opinion and scarpered so it didn't really give me chance to enter into a sensible dialogue!. Do you also think I should bring my son up to think it is OK for others to go around speaking to him in an aggressive manner and to just let them walk all over him and not to speak his mind?

You also mentioned that the women was old, again if you had read my posts there is no mention of the womens age as this is irrelevant.

None of you objectors have yet come back to say if you have ever parented a boy of this age. I would be truly interested to know.

OP posts:
AudrinaAdare · 23/01/2013 10:01

I am loving that link about toilets through the ages:

"These days almost all of us have flushing toilets - maybe even more than one. It wasn't until a man called Thomas Crapper came along in the mid 19th century, about 150 years ago, that they became widespread"

Did Thomas Crapper invent them I wonder, or force someone else to?

OP I wouldn't have shouted but this is something I am going to have to deal with myself soon - DS is five, autistic and still in pull-ups. There aren't always disabled facilities and he is going to be an especially vulnerable child Sad

KhallDrogo · 23/01/2013 10:02

Statistically there is more risk from uncles and grandads; do you make sure they are never left alone together?

KhallDrogo · 23/01/2013 10:07

BTW...I absolutely have no problem with 8 year old boys in the female toilets if they don't want to go alone into the men's. It's not necessary for 14 yo though

And am interested that, dads bring their dds into the women's and mums bring their ds into the ladies. Why don't dads take dds into the mens?

I think the risk is over stated

KhallDrogo · 23/01/2013 10:10

That was rambling sorry. I mean to say I think taking boys into ladies because the ds isn't confident to go alone is fair enough (although, I don't know any 8 year olds that couldn't go to the toilet alone)

But, I don't think they need to go in the women's because of all the paedopgiles in the men's

OverlyYappyAlways · 23/01/2013 10:20

I don't know what I would do with my 8 year old if this happened tbh. He is very tall, but has a cute face, but I'm his mother so that's possibly just me who sees that. He also would most likely lock himself in the mens toilets for fun!

YANBU for taking him in with you

She was BU for even commenting, her running makes it worse, it would depend upon my mood what I said to her, not sure I could say nothing.

I have no filter on my brain to stop me saying the thoughts you should keep to yourself. I'm working on it.

JeffFaFa · 23/01/2013 10:24

Ds is 7, he will continue to use the ladies with me for as long as i feel he needs too, i cant see it changing any time soon tbh, most womens toilets ive seen have a sign on the door saying up to and including age 8 can use either toilet. I will review it then, if hes still not ready and i hope he is but if not he will continue to use the womens or the disabled toilet. He has possible sn (mild) and is capable of going to the gents for a pee himself but he is not capable of protecting himself if approached, or knowing what is and isnt appropriate.

ByTheWay1 · 23/01/2013 12:02

You do know that women could just go into the gents with their sons if they were so worried too....

maybe the threat of having all these women treking in to check the safety would MAKE things safer for all the thousands of 8-10 year old boys who are seemingly under threat...

little kids - under 8 fine - SN fine, but if all these public gents are so risky ( that is the reason that the majority of mums of boys are giving for their boys being in the ladies toilet) perhaps it is time for mums to take a stand and ensure their child's safety in the gents toilet - it might then make it safer for the older boys too - or is the age of use of the ladies going to continue on its upward creep....

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 23/01/2013 12:08

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have seen a boy older than 5 in the ladies. You make it sound like this is a huge issue up and down the country!

And what is the difference between a nine year old and a six year old other than their height?

ByTheWay1 · 23/01/2013 12:27

I have never seen a boy older than 5 or 6 in the ladies loo myself, I do not think it is a huge issue, what I have issue with is the normalising of having boys in the ladies - the age creeps up - it was 8 in the op - then someone else has a 9 year old, someone else a 10 year old - then murmurings about is it ok at 11 or 12 - senior school kids.

Abitwobblynow · 23/01/2013 13:04

'thank you for your opinion, but after the McDonalds and Debenhams incidents this is the choice I have made'