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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To limit DH to £50 per week?

259 replies

MrsKoala · 20/01/2013 16:25

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is Shock ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money :(

So AIBU to give him a budget?

OP posts:
BoraBora · 21/01/2013 17:35

In the nicest possible way - does he listen to/ believe anything you say?

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 17:36

yes i agree bora, but the money issue is probably more likely to affect him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 17:38

ha! yes, but i don't think he can reconcile the yummy cake and £2.50 with heart disease and poverty. especially when he has always done it and been fine.

OP posts:
BoraBora · 21/01/2013 17:50

And you mention that he has some "issues". Has he ever had these formally assessed? Does he have difficulties in other areas?

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 17:53

oh yes!

OP posts:
BoraBora · 21/01/2013 17:56

And...?

And that was yes to and assessment or yes to other issues?

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 17:59

yes to other issues. he accepts he is unusual and has challenges. but he also thinks i am exaggerating. He has been a 'loner' so thinks his behaviour is normal as he hasn't had much to compare to.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 21/01/2013 18:01

Sweetheart, there are many issues here and you seem intent on burying your head in the sand and ploughing on ahead regardless of the vulnerable position you are placing yourself in.

You're right, you can't live your life worrying your husband might leave you. But you can't live your life in denial hoping for the best either. He doesn't have to leave you for the family to be in financial trouble, what if he gets ill or has an accident and can't work? As a family you have no backups or Plan B and that is a cause for concern. If you were my friend teling me this I'd be advising you to think very, very carefully before committing yourself to any plan that could potentially see you stranded in a foreign country with no income, support network, adequate healthcare or way of leaving. It is of course your life but please think very carefully.

BoraBora · 21/01/2013 18:02

Would he see a psychologist with you? I'm a clinical psychologist and we work with people in these situations to work out how best to deal with these types of difficulties.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 18:07

well we have the shares which we would sell. how do other people do anything without substantial amounts in the bank. i know people are being concerned but i do think it's slightly ott. We would never do anything. I have accepted a man who is very career driven and dedicated to his work. I admire him for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 18:09

nope. he wont. he gets upset if i mention i think he has aspergers.

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 21/01/2013 18:10

OK but now you are at the point where there are no savings. What is he going to do now? Sell shares? Have an overdraft? Take out secret loans? (are you sure this hasn't happened already?)

You need to get together all your financial info and do a projection, based on current spending, of how much you will have in 1, 5, 10 years time. Maybe do one plan for if you move to the US and one for if you stay in your current situation. Then do a calculation of what your assets would be now if he hadn't bought all these extras for however many years. My bet is that when you look at your total assets now, they will be lower than they were at the time you got the lump sums, because he has been gradually spending too much over a long period. Then present him with the figures. You will be able to tell from his reaction whether he gives a damn about the family's financial future or not.

You shouldn't be put in the position of doing this by yourself, by the way. In a mutually respectful relationship, you would manage the money together or have an agreement about who does the finances. It shouldn't be a case of one partner treating the other like a child and policing their spending. I'm just suggesting it as a way to determine whether this situation is fixable or not.

Also - having ALL shares in one company is risky - you should spread your risk over different types of investments. Could you see a financial planner through your bank or building society?

I am less and less inclined to think that this is to do with him 'being on the spectrum', and more that he is being a selfish git. People who have Aspergers etc. can understand cause and effect ffs!

BoraBora · 21/01/2013 18:14

Whether he has ASD or not is irrelevant; the fact that you cannot talk to each other and he can't or won't see your point of view is the problem...

Are you unhappy enough to tell him you think you'd benefit from some couples therapy?

Astley · 21/01/2013 18:15

Has everyone else missed the thousands of threads where people say they literally don't have a penny saved?! They rent, or are in negative equity. The ones who have thousands of pounds worth of debt.

OP has 30k of shares
A few thousand in an ISA, more to come from a cheque and a flat sale
Plus equity in their house

So the posters saying he has left them bankrupt and practically destitute are clearly not reading what I'm reading!

Astley · 21/01/2013 18:17

Plus her husband said he wanted to sell shares and put the money in savings but OP said no. That is still an option. Just in an account they can both see!

Trills · 21/01/2013 18:23

To me it's not about whether they have any money currently, its about the lies and the hiding of bills and the inability to budget or to listen.

DrCoconut · 21/01/2013 18:23

I don't know how relevant this is but anyway. DS1 is on the spectrum (currently being finally assessed as to where) and struggles with the idea of budgeting. His definition of "can afford it" is "have the money available" regardless of what else has to be paid or saved for. He fritters pocket money and finds it massively difficult to stop himself. He can get stroppy when anyone tries to intervene too. He likes his favourite snacks and pop and I think this kind of behaviour can become habitual. Once it becomes an ingrained ritual it is more than just stopping to someone with these kinds of issues. It can take professional help to break spectrum type behaviours. We had to enforce a spending limit and a health protection regime on DS as his weight was going up, and it was really tough. Still is and he tests the boundaries of it regularly. If it is that bad with a child who doesn't earn the money and we have the right to boss around I feel for you having to negotiate with an adult who is the same way inclined.

FairPhyllis · 21/01/2013 18:39

I think the suggestion of couples therapy is a good one.

rainrainandmorerain · 21/01/2013 18:47

(koala, just my view but you have revealed a fair few details of your personal circumstances here - I know it has been mostly in response to posters asking for info but I would be careful about revealing more.)

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 18:50

yes. i should probably ask for it to be deleted.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 18:59

DrCoconut - the 'money available' is exactly how it is. 'Well i can go without food and i have money available'. It doesn't occur to either buy cheaper food or make his own food.

Anyway, thank you all for your advice. I am really grateful. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 19:00

sorry that should say 'i can't go without food'

OP posts:
Yfronts · 21/01/2013 19:24

He sounds stuck in his view point and routine. Is it worth buying him an Alvin Hall book about budgeting.

Chunderella · 21/01/2013 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 21/01/2013 22:37

cripes koala,he's dire with money,your self esteem is in your boots.Wakey fuckin wakey