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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To limit DH to £50 per week?

259 replies

MrsKoala · 20/01/2013 16:25

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is Shock ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money :(

So AIBU to give him a budget?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 09:50

i was working in a call centre on min wage before ds - it was all i could find :(

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Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 09:51

my worry is that if we ever split after the babies, i'd be fucked. totally unemployable.

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Trills · 21/01/2013 09:58

Your role in universities may not exist but presumably if you were doing something vaguely useful there would be similar roles in other institutions or businesses, or roles that use the same skills to do something else.

MissMarplesMaid · 21/01/2013 09:58

MrsKoala I think you need to look very closely at your DH's long term prospects.

By the sounds of it he is super-skilled in one direction only. He gets paid lots now but he really should be banking it. The second that his employers dont need that skill to the same extent or someone else can do it then you will be buggered (technical accounting term).

You need to look closely at this job in the US. Remember, at the moment they want your DH. What happens when they no longer want him? What is the return package like? If you decide to go you need to be putting money aside to get you home again and set you back up again in Britain.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 10:02

Sadly it was very niche, i applied for 3 years to other uni's and similar roles and i got not nothing - never even an interview. I basically went out public speaking at recruitment fairs/schools/colleges about nursing and midwifery on behalf of a uni which taught it.

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Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 10:03

There is no return package. We are on our own, take it or leave it. I don't think his work will dry up - not the way the world is atm. He works in 'security' assessing terror threats etc.

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Chunderella · 21/01/2013 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katnisscupcake · 21/01/2013 10:05

We have a joint account that all our bills come out of (and our salaries go into) and we also have our own bank accounts. Each month £200 goes into our own bank accounts. What we do with it is totally up to us, but then everything else for the house, comes out of our joint account. So normal food shopping (or extra milk/bread through the week) comes out of the house. If we want anything special (Costa lunch, a new top, make-up etc) it comes out of our own £200.

Works a treat and neither of us ask for anymore money, because we work within our own budgets.

Is that an option OP?

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 10:14

I am terrible at customer services tho. Really shite - i find people really annoying and couldn't use the database or intranet (i am hopeless technically, have lost temp jobs thru being so rubbish at excel despite doing 3 courses i just 'don't get it) they extended my probation 3 times. I am a 'creative' type person, good at painting and pottery, also good at simplifying messages and getting it across quickly to a large audience. I trained to teach but dropped that as i hated it.

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Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 10:15

Not really Kat - he just draws from the savings or goes overdrawn.

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rainrainandmorerain · 21/01/2013 10:41

I do feel for you koala.

I think there are some (well meaning) posts from people who don't understand the scale of the problem with your dh and financial matters (probably haven't read the whole thread). You are 'beyond' normal solutions like joint account and drawing down a set amount each month. Your dp cannot/will not do this. Which you already know.

I think you deal with one problem at a time. First, get access to and control over the money.

Then look at your own position in terms of work/health/training etc. There's no point you looking at paying for courses/childcare to enable you to do courses while your dp is steadily pissing away your savings. Stop that first - get a clear idea of where you stand financially - and then take stock and make plans. You do have options - but while you are financially powerless and anxious about money, you're not in a great position to take a realistic view of your strengths and choices.

And keep these things separate. It will be hard enough tackling your dp about money - if you start bringing training/work etc into it at the same time, you're going to end up getting trampled on and bamboozled.

MissMarplesMaid · 21/01/2013 11:00

So he has a job for life? Really? The world turns and things change, you need to work out what you will do when your DH is no longer needed. He is a one-trick pony.

Sorry, I am banging on about this but I do have experience of being moved abroad then things changing and our plans having to change.

Your DH sounds like a toddler, cant do this, cant do that, sulks when he gets told he cant have a treat that he wants.

If you are happy to live with that then you need to manage him completely. As others have said, take all financial rights and responsibility away from him. Take his bank cards off him. Give him cash every day. When he has run out for the day then he has to go without that day's Costa shot or whatever.

Good luck with this.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 11:11

well, i think he has a job for as long as the internet is running and fraud, counter culture subversives and terrorism and war exists. Not sure if it's for life but i can't see these things changing in my lifetime. He is offered work a lot. constantly being head hunted etc.

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Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 11:11

and if all that fails he can always go back to the army. i doubt he would ever be unemployed.

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hermioneweasley · 21/01/2013 11:19

Mrs K, if he is constantly being head hunted then why do you need to move to the US with his job? I am worried for your health insurance covering you properly with early MS, and you having more barriers to finding work, and having fewer friends and family in the same time zone, so more reliance on him.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 11:23

We need to because his employer is based in the states and he travels over there so much i am left alone with ds and no help (i don't have any other support apart from mum and dad who live far away - which is why i stay with them for a week every couple of months). As is the majority of the better paid work in his field. It is a career progression for him and a better lifestyle for us.

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Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 11:25

my ms is covered after a year of being there - i have only had one 'episode' a year ago and am waiting for test results at the mo.

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allgoingtoshitnow · 21/01/2013 11:50

Go to the US OP.

Food and coffee are cheaper so DH wont be denied the things he loves in life, he will be able to earn even more than his already considerable salary, and you may find work so you arent so dependent on his money.

(emphasis on his because as ever, MN conveniently skips over the fact that he is the earner and is under no obligation to give half of everything to his dependents, no matter how much they try and 'take control', so they can retrain and leave him Hmm )

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 12:40

well he chooses to pay for me not to work rather than pay the same for a childminder. He also chooses to pay for me to do all the laundry, cleaning, cooking and look after his children all evening and weekends. he would be in much more of a mess financially and domestically (well in fact i would have to leave because there is no way i could work full time and do this i would go mental). he considers it half my money because it is only because i am there that he is able to work numerous jobs and study at the same time - which he would rather do than the domestic stuff. he also is desperate for more children. I would love to retrain and go back to a job where i felt even as remotely effective and fulfilled as he does.

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Astley · 21/01/2013 12:41

In fairnesss it hasn't been the OP saying he has to give up everything. Other posters have told her to tell him to give up every pleasure in his life, down to the lattes, so they can totally fund their DS through uni.... That attitude I don't get. I love my children, but my God I need my own life too.

I would never EVER give up all my treats and pleasures so I could give them '£50 a week' that they could piss away on booze and chinese takeaway while and uni so the precious darlings don't leave with a penny in debt.

Jesus, that is such a depressing thought. I can just picture DH's face if I said he had to work but not buy himself so much a coffee so our chilldren could spend his money at uni. I think we'd both rather be dead and them have the inheritance than live a nothing life just to save for them to spend all our money on themselves at uni.

MissMarplesMaid · 21/01/2013 12:43

allgoing it is his money in the sense that he is the one going out to work. However there is also a house, home and responsibilities to share with his DW. This means that if he spends money which they dont have then it is the family which has to go without.

Good luck with it MrsKoala and try to protect yourself and your DS as much as you can.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 12:56

Totally agree Astley. i want him to be able to have what he wants as long as we don't suffer. If he wants to spend whatever is left on his treats i don't care - he deserves it.

I would never make my family or anyone suffer for ds uni fund (it was just an example of something we could save for as well as having our treats if we budget properly). We love our hols and meals out and we can have it. That is my point. He earns plenty for all this to be doable.

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Astley · 21/01/2013 13:05

I think your attitude is a lot healthier than some of the posters on here. There has to be a middle ground. He works hard and deserves to enjoy what he enjoys, it might not be what everyone would spend their money on, but it is what he likes to spend his money on.

I do not deny that he is overspending. But I despise this 'but Costa is such a waste of money, you must stop him going there attitude'. As a grown man with his own money he does have a right to spend it on stuff he actually enjoys. In the same way DH thinks things likes mascara are an utter waste of money, but undertstands that I don't and so wouldn't dream of telling me I must stop buying it because he feels it's a waste of money.

Astley · 21/01/2013 13:11

Also, DH is a chronic 'fritterer' and I took over everything for a time, which was great until I realised that whenever he went away with work he was going crazy! He was having a takeaway every night and 5 hot drinks out a day because he felt so starved of them at home. So I realised I'd gone too far. I'd removed so many of the little pleasures from his life that he was resentful so went mad when he could.

Now we do have budget and he does stick to it, but it's more realistic and we try never, ever to criticise what the other spends theirs on. If you infantilise someone, male or female, they will eventually rebel and they will resent you for it. I really do believe that there can be a budget without one person being totally in control.

Original poster
MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 13:26

yes astley - i would save my budget and buy 1 big thing i hate coffee, it smells rank and tastes worse! but dh doesn't care for clothes or shoes, so wants daily treats. i think £10 per 'normal' day is doable for that, with just a few tweaks (i bought a modo coffee thing and make muffins for him to take in on the train, and make some pasta/chilli for lunches).

However, when he travels - all bets are off! he is often in a miserable hotel somewhere, so i want him to go out and get some nice food etc.

i would never take away any control from him. i want him to understand and budget himself. i think he will learn eventually tho. he is massively different to what he was like just last year, so i have hope. All posters on here have are very brief details - of course reality is much more nuanced than that. Altho, the posts have helped me clarify my position in my mind, so all have been valuable, which is why i really appreciate mn.

thank you everyone :)

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