To limit DH to £50 per week?

[MrsKoala]

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money :(

So AIBU to give him a budget?

[pinkyponk67]

Wow OP your DH needs to man up and stop acting like a spoilt child. He seems to think that savings are a bottomless money pit, no?

There is hope, my DH was similar and just would not listen when I tried to tell him we (he) were over-spending. He took no interest in our finances for years. We agreed a set amount of spending money but he wouldn't keep track and claimed things like clothes weren't included as they were essential. We came almost to the brink of splitting up over it. In the end the only thing that resolved it was DH genuinely taking on his fair share of responsibility for managing our money. He had to want to, and we had to find a solution that we both genuinely were happy with. We now have equal amounts of spending money paid into separate accounts which has to cover everything except bills, petrol and food. No topping it up from savings, when its gone its gone. It works for us.

[MrsKoala]

we are planning on selling some shares and investing elsewhere.

i have the health policy and am just wading thru it. it looks good but i am meeting with his hr to go thru it properly - he knows i wont go if it's not good as i have early ms.

[MissMarplesMaid]

I take it that it is his proper job which is taking you to the US? Will the contracting have to stop? He will also lose his TA pay and bounty. While these may not be huge sums they have probably helped to keep your family's head above water.

Dont be surprised to find some hidden debt somewhere in the mess. I have a brother with similar tendencies (and issues). Money goes through his fingers like water. He is always full of big schemes with money being sloshed from one bucket to another but there is always a lot spilled and disappearing into nowhere.

[MrsKoala]

well he will still travel to the uk with work so was planning on doing some ta and consultancy still. but i don't really think that's realistic.

[catladycourtney1]

I don't know how you put up with this, OP. This is about more than money now. If he can get a pHD or whatever then he can appreciate that the money he has frittered away could have put your child through uni, could have taken you on lots of holidays, improved your house. Paid for life-saving treatment had one of you become ill! But, sod all that, he'd sooner have a posh coffee every day? Sorry but no, he's being selfish and that's all. I don't know him, but I also don't buy that someone so educated doesn't know what a court summons is when he reads one. I think he's been taking the piss, and shows no remorse :(

[Pan]

OP - are you really saying £30 per day??. On the utterly unnecessary?

This does sound like a v serious "First World Problem". I don't go down the 'his on the spectrum' baloney, either. He doesn't have a diagnosis. Sounds more like someone there is making excuses for him refusing to (ironically) smelling the coffee of wastefullness.

[ErikNorseman]

Why don't you sell half the shares and put it in an isa in your name only?

[Pan]

17st you say. Why is this not surprising? High street outlets don't usually provide healthy eaties. They provide profitable eaties. Which means masses of sugar, nasty types of fats and so maximum calories. For which you all are getting ripped off for.

If he has a reasonable job he will have heard of budgets. No problem in understanding them. Just not liking them.

[Pan]

And lastly.....spending like this is often an emotional decision. It's commonly perceived, rightly or wrongly in this case, as a way of making up for some other deficit in the emotions. 'I can spend, therefore I am'. Secure, happy people generally know the value of money and don't misuse it.
Really best wishes. This is going to be difficult to change.

[ledkr]

He sounds like a spoiled baby tbh. Wed all like to eat breakfast out every day and buy nice food instead of making a cheese sandwhich at home and drink posh coffee every day but you just don't do you? Those things are treats. I'm surprised he gets any work done at all with all the noshing he does.

[suburbophobe]

i have early ms.

I'm so sorry to hear that but all the more reason for you to "get your ducks in a row" so to speak....

[Yfronts]

I really wouldn't put up with this. You don't have lots of money and need to save for a nest egg/holidays etc. there will also be playgroups, soft play and other activities to pay for too soon.

50 pounds a week is tons! Thats 2600 a year. so over the course of 10 years 26k on crap. If you are both having 50 pounds a week, thats 52k over 10 years. If my maths is correct (I got an F so who knows!!)

Can't he just go for a walk to get some fresh air instead and have a coffee out only once/twice a week and lunch on a Friday? Or what about buying a posh coffee maker for the home - so he can enjoy nice quality coffee and a book.

Also it sounds like he is eating rubbish - cake and naff breakfasts. Who on earth would want to have regular weather-spoons breakfasts? Is he fit? Is he exercising? He would do better to go to the gym or do circuits instead.

It's madness he is putting unnecessary things before having essential savings and special family holidays. It's really quite selfish.


Can you show him these posts?

[ahusband]

I get £12.50 a week.

[TalkativeJim]

Forget spreadsheets and budgets and chats. I would put this to him quite simply: his only option for keeping his family is to hand over control of all finances. If he continues to have even joint access to the family money, the end result will be that you end up bankrupt.

It is quite simple - no partner with even the vaguest common sense would agree to stay with this man under any other circumstances - it would be like accepting an invite to cross the Atlantic in a leaky boat. You have put any career and ability to provide safely for yourself and your son ASIDE to facilitate his, so you have no fall back. Beware- if you split further down the line once he has squandered all savings and shares and your property situation is a mess, it sounds as if YOU'LL be the one left completely fucked and with a child/children to look after while he moves back in with mum, has your kids every other weekend and happily returns to stoking back up his 5K a pop consultancies without a care in the world. Meanwhile- no house and no pension for you to lay claim to and you with no career.

There really is no other option. He is a financial twat of the highest order and you should be furious. Fine, he's earning the cash. If he wants to see it as his money and fritter it on fucking coffee and cake, then the quid pro quo is that he can't expect to have a family sitting at home happy not to know when the bailiffs are arriving. He wants to keep control of his cash- fine, then you won't be able to stay with him and certainly won't be able to go to the States, because it looks as if you'll be needing to get a job and support your son. Because he can't be relied upon to do so.

[zipzap]

Would he listen to his mother if he listened to her before about the shares? Even if it is just a chat to remind him in the scariest possible way that shares go down as well as up so he mustn't count this money as accessible savings any more...

Also, could you set up a savings account for the Canada ski holiday? Assume it's for all of you, you can drop out later but it will give him a bigger target to save for... Then, daily to start, weekly once he is doing better, work out how much needs to go in to cover holiday, spending money, insurance, parking, ski hire, ski nursery, ski clothes, parking costs, food put there, everything you can think it will cost in total and be generous.

Say if he wants to go skiing he needs to pay £xx into the account every day and get him to do it with the money he would normally use for his coffees and excess food etc. Keep 2 charts on the go - think blue Peter totalizer, one for how much he has saved toward ski-ing and how much has been spent on extra food and coffees.

Make sure you mark it in pencil as I bet he will dig into the savings at least to start with. But hopefully he will soon get to see the way the two totals grow - or don't. If he struggles with numbers as an abstract concept then maybe seeing bars getting bigger and bigger will help him to get a better grasp of what's going on.

Depending on how he does and how he is regarding his spending, I would also be very tempted to wait for him to make his target almost and turn around and stick a chunk into a savings account that he can't easily access to replace your family savings. And then make him save up again... Will he be upset, hurt, angry and so on? Yes. But you are only doing to him what he has done to you. And you are doing it to reinstate savings, you're not frittering it away. You know your dh best and will know if you can do this or if you need to factor in a 'top up savings' element into the weekly saving amount, so that for every £1 saved, half or whatever goes back into savings.

And when you sit down to go through the spreadsheet, get him to tell you how much he thinks he spends on what each day/week/month/year. Then you'll get to see how wrong his misconceptions are before you start and will know where to concentrate. And, again if he doesn't like numbers, use a pile of Lego blocks or monopoly money or casino chips or home made money and props to help make it real.

Also look on the moneysavingexpert.com site to see what resources there could help. I think they have a booklet aimed at teenagers or students to act as a intro guide to managing your finances and being financially aware. Might be something you could sit down and go through with him that might help to explain stuff to him.

Good luck and I hope you manage to get him to take you into consideration as well as himself, be it financial or getting to go ona holiday of your choice sometimes!

[ivykaty44]

If you want to live within your means and dh is spending above his means - then he needs to earn more, simple

[Yfronts]

He needs to keep a diary of his outgoings and then work out how much he spends yearly etc.

[Yfronts]

Ask him to cut down for his childs uni education - then start a savings account for child. Each week ask him what is it to be - flittering money away on rubbish or money for your childs future. Can't have both.

[gail734]

I'm on the receiving end of this just now. I'm on Mat leave and my DH (an accountant, always nagging me about money) has given me a budget. I can afford groceries and fuel - all I really need - but all those little things that the OP is talking about, like coffee, magazines, a little trip to Boots for some nice ladies' things ... totally out the window. I feel wretched, but I know it makes sense. We both have good jobs, and I'm being told off for buying someone a birthday present? I feel more skint now than when I was a student!

[notmyproblem]

OP, does he have life insurance? (you mentioned something about it upthread). At the very least, take over the management of payments for that so you can't be left high and dry if he passes away.

Secondly. do NOT have another child with this man. You are in a very vulnerable position right now and it'll get worse if you have another child. At least with one you can be back at work and DS will be in school full time within a few years -- childcare is temporary.

And stop making excuses for him. He's a big boy, he gets himself dressed and to work each day? Manages to hold down a (well-paid job? Managed to get a new job in the USA even? Then he can manage to understand what he's spending. If not, then frankly you maybe need to leave him for a while and let him decide whether he really needs you or not. This kind of financial behaviour on his part would be a dealbreaker for me. If you didn't have a child with him I'd be advising to run like hell.

At the moment though you need to look out for yourself and your DS, and your DH's feelings come far below that. He's being an irresponsible twit and frankly a bad parent and terrible partner to be wasting your savings and safety net like that. Tell him straight up, don't feel sorry for him.

Lastly, please spend some time on yourself and deciding what YOU want to do and accomplish in your life -- you are NOT CRAP at everything and there is a job out there that you can do well and be paid for. Start thinking about what that will be, every little step giving you some financial independence is a good one.

[rainrainandmorerain]

What TalkativeJim said. OP needs to take total control of the finances.

These people don't change easily. Yes, he's selfish, irresponsible, immature, won't face up to reality - all that. But changing a lifetime of denial and financial irresponsibility is very hard. A chat and some tips from MSE ain't gonna do it.

The problem is that the op is married to him and they have a child together. She has to protect herself and her child. Really, people like her husband don't change much until they have crashed and burned and lost every penny. If they even change then - as someone pointed out, if he goes bankrupt, he'll be back at his mum's earning some pocket money with a roof over his head, not on the streets. And the op will be screwed.

as an emotional reaction, I want the op to yell at her husband and tell him to sort his stupid bloody problems out and grow the fuck up. As a pragmatist, I know this won't work. She needs to take control because he has already lost it, but still has access to his bank cards.

[MrsKoala]

Thanks all - sorry internet went down so i couldn't reply last night.

to answer some points (in no particular order):

He has never had a job which involves budgets or any kind of numbers. He struggles working out bills and change too. if he went to the shop and they said milk was a fiver, he wouldn't question it.

i would never involve his mum. she has a very odd opinion on money and constantly gets involved in get rich quick schemes and internet scams. they both think shares are 'real money' so will say 'ohh we've now got x' and i try to point out you only have that if you sell it. she has lost hundreds of thousand in bad shares. and borders on illegal activity with insider trading.

dh is big but very fit he goes to the gym every day - he is just a massive bloke. not fat yet, but i do worry about his heart.

[MrsKoala]

oh yes - i do want to do some courses to retrain. i was very well paid and qualified once but was made redundant in 2009 and all my type of roles in uni's stopped with the cuts.

the problem is dh says there is no money for me to do courses and that the money would be better invested in yet more quals for him so he could earn more.

but this is just because he loves studying i think. Also not true really imo.