To limit DH to £50 per week?

[MrsKoala]

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money :(

So AIBU to give him a budget?

[scottishmummy]

you need a plan for yourself.he earns well he can pay for childcare.share cost
doesn't need to be you on mimum wage paying any childcare,but yiu need back up plan
ESP going to USA. do some classes get your vavavoom back.no more ttc in this chaos

[MrsKoala]

Haha! good grief mn really is a different planet sometimes.

I appreciate your concerns but there is no way he would be open to bribes, he's shit with money not a corruptible moron - altho the idea of someone luring him down a bark alley by dangling a muffin in front of his face is making me

[MrsKoala]

wtf is a bark alley? i, of course meant DARK alley!

My self esteem is not in my boots - i do not define myself by my work. All i am being is totally realistic. I am very shit at most jobs...and driving - these are just facts. Doesn't make any difference to me as a person. I am stuck because i am a round peg and most jobs are square holes. I am dreadful at IT and i have been on numerous courses - i just hate it so have no aptitude for it. And most jobs ask for excel, word and database use. I can't imagine anything worse or more soul destroying.

All the jobs i do would just cover childcare costs (i know what people are saying about his money having to cover it too, but when you pool your money, what difference does it make - it's still the same amount as one persons whole wage), make me miserable, disappoint my bosses where i have had to bullshit my way in by saying i am good at stuff i'm not, send ds to nursery for ridiculously long hours. None of them would offer promotion in an area i would have any aptitude for, or want to work in.

This does not affect my self esteem, i'm pretty fine with that. I would love a job i like, but i will need to retrain over a period of time. I know tone is difficult to read, but i am saying this matter of factly, as a realist.

[MrsKoala]

and of course we are no where near bankrupt and i don't think we ever will be. We own property and have investments. He is terrified of having no money, which is why he committed to the shares in an attempt to ensure a nest egg. It just wasn't thought thru.

I will talk to him about a budget again. It's an everyday cash flow issue and more control on the savings we have to handle.

Thank you tho. It is nice that so many strangers are concerned enough to post and advise me.

Cheers all :)

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Koala I know you have plenty of money coming in and out, but your DH has a dreadful spending habit. He wouldn't have to be out of work for long for you to plough through every penny you have saved and be running up debts.

I think you are naive to say that he will always have work and that you will never be bankrupt. If he carries on in the current vein, then any unexpected interruption in your cash-flow could really tip the balance.

Do you have any money in just your name? Do you pay into a pension for yourself?

I'm a SAHM, and I have both those things.

If he is being paid £1k a day for consultancy, then what is his permie rate? Does he have a Ltd Co. set up for his consultancy fees? It would reduce the tax bill and he could make you a co-director which would make use of your tax allowance.
Seriously - if he has that kind of money coming in and you are worrying about whether you order wine or water when you go out for a meal then you are closer to the edge than you should be.

You got defensive as this thread has gone on, I have just sat and read it start to finish and the change in your tone is quite marked.
I also find it very distressing that you think your DH is brilliant at everything and you are shit at everything - perhaps a slight exaggeration but that is the general gist that comes out. In addition to him thinking that you retraining is a waste of money - it rather makes me think that he likes you where you are. Thinking you are shit at everything and without the resources to skill yourself up.

[MrsKoala]

Sorry i really am not defensive but i just don't agree with some posters, despite appreciating their posts - i understand my tone may have changed but it was meant to be jokey. My first posts were with a wriggling screaming teething baby on my lap so i think that had something to do with it, and i've had more sleep today! I am quite pragmatic about my 'skills' and i AM shit at stuff - as is everyone - i don't see that as a bad thing. Sometimes it makes me feel bad that i can't do the things i need for most employment, but i think to thine own self be true. I can't learn what i can't learn. I have spent 15 years trying and i've finally accepted myself.

I think DH is very good at what he is good at and very bad at what he is bad at. I am much better than him at a lot of stuff - but we aren't talking about those things on this thread. I am mostly brimming with self confidence - honestly. Nothing i'm good at seems to make money tho - well not legally ;)

We have an accountant and yes all the sensible things are done, but thank you for the suggestions.

I don't think there are certainties in life but calculated risks and i think dh's employment is as strong as it could be in this climate.

DH does not want me feeling shit. He is just concerned that thousands on courses needs to be thought thru.

I think it's so hard on the internet and i probably shouldn't have bothered posting as i kind of knew what we needed to do, but wanted some general opinions. i'm aware it is easy to read into tone a little more and i probably should have edited my posts rather than just my stream of consciences.

One of the reasons we want to move to America is we hope to get a better work life balance for him to free up some time for me to pursue some interests. He wants me back painting and has suggested i could sell some work.

[DeliCatedinthewok]

OP, if you'd seriously like to move into the area of counselling, and in a way that could involve your other interests and talents (such as art), then I'd seriously consider the OU. It's what they are brilliant at, allowing you to combine modules that knit together your strengths and channel them into a direction that serves your personal ambitions. And you will almost certainly get some study credit for your previous qualifications. You can study at your own pace, to fit in with your commitments as SAHM, and any health difficulties if your ms deteriorates, and you can pursue your studies from the US if you want to. And given what you have told us about your situation, being a qualified therapist is perhaps one of the more marketable, well paid, options open to you, especially if you see your long term future in the US.

I have an Aspergers son, and what you say about your DH resonates quite a bit. I really admire that you are so clearly committed to him and your joint future. But from experience I also know that people on the spectrum often need tough love - not because they are completely incapable of grasping concepts like financial responsibility, or fiscal prudence, but because it is just harder finding strategies that help them 'get it'. Because really it doesn't help them to work on 'the bigger picture' - they need to focus on small segments of it at a time, without the complication of continuing to get stuff wrong and knowing they are hurting other people in the process.

And from that pov, I would say take a lot of the financial pressure off him by setting him up to succeed rather than fail at budgeting. Ask him (for now) to agree to have access to a mutually agreed, sustainable, monthly allowance he cannot subsidise from other funds (and that essentially means him agreeing to relinquish control of and access to those sources of funds).

He has screwed up enough already for that to be a reasonable ask if he wants your marriage to work, and to relocate to another country on terms that are fair to both of you. And to agree to funding whatever educational courses you decide would be in your employment interests - that should not only be about investing in which of you might produce the best financial return. You clearly have a good mind, that is probably not going to be satisfied with menial work once the kids no longer need, and you are not stretched by being, a sahm. He likes the stimulus of studying? Fine, but he really doesn't have that entitlement at the cost of your intellectual needs /future employment prospects being unsatisfied, just because he's the one presently bringing home the bacon, and in generous quantities.

[AThingInYourLife]

"One of the reasons we want to move to America is we hope to get a better work life balance for him to free up some time for me to pursue some interests."

You're moving to the US for better work life balance?!

"He is just concerned that thousands on courses needs to be thought thru"

But tens of thousands on coffees and snacks doesn't?

Right, so he does understand the concept of things not being affordable even if the money is there.

Or does that just apply to stuff you want to do?

[Whoknowswhocares]

There are certainly some doom mongers on this thread! Whilst I certainly think you need to be very careful to monitor the big picture spending as DH seems a little haphazard, I would like to guess that you are in a stronger financial position as a family than a lot of those posting!!!! So talk of bankruptcy etc is more than a little daft at this point! As an individual, you are in a weak position. You know that and are prepared to take the calculated risks that it entails (me too )

On the day to day issue, have you tried getting DH to take out cash for the week and once it's gone, he agrees that that's it till the next week? It's much easier to realise how it adds up when you are seeing a depleting pot.
Also have you shown him the Martin Lewis motivator tool via money saving expert. It might make him see how much that drip feed of funds is REALLY costing and he might have to accept the black and white of a computer screen, without brushing it off as 'nagging'

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

The more I read of this, the more I think this guy is not half a clueless as he is making out.
He seems to have a very firm grip of certain things, like how everything should be run to suit him and how much it might cost for the OP to do something for her, for example.
And how convenient that he refuses to go and seek help or a diagnosis. There is always the possibility that they say that nothing is wrong with him, and then where has his excuse gone to?

I am also at the idea that there would be a better work/life balance in the US, where employees get less holiday and are expected to work long hours and weekends once they are at senior level.

Whoknows - the OP tried that this week and her DH spent it all in two days and then said he needed more.

[mollymole]

When he is at home can't you pre-empt his little trips by producing a cup of coffee at say 10.30 and then saying to him -'lunch at 12.30' and then both of you sitting down together to eat what you have prepared. Again, a quick snack for him in the afternoon with a drink. You can even pre prepare the meaks/snacks so that you aren't tied to the house all day.

[MrsKoala]

Yes AThing, ONE of the reasons is defo that. Atm he has to go to the states for a week a month and also as well as his 9-5 uk hours the states office want conference calls at 8pm - so he has to cover US hours as well.

He is also an active person - ants in his pants. And when at home will default to working constantly because it is always visible. But where we will be moving too will be a 2hr drive from ski resorts and have local bike trails and walks etc so we want to be able to do stuff like that as a family.

And yes But tens of thousands on coffees and snacks doesn't? that's really the point of this thread. He sees a lump sum and thinks that's a lot, but finds it hard to equate £10-30 per day with tens of thousands. He is incredulous that it could come to that because 'it's just a cake'.

We ARE doing the cash thing - i think i mentioned that in all my waffling upthread - sorry if it got lost. He has agreed to that, BUT he has said he will struggle on £50 and wants £100. So it is now about getting him used to it. He has said he finds the cash idea a good one - BUT is also slightly defensive and adamant that if he needs more he has to have access to some. It is just now working on a joint opinion on what need is.

He also has an element of 'face saving' because the people he works with are often young ans single and on the same salary, so at lunch suggest expensive restaurants. He has accepted that as a man with a family he is not in that position anymore, BUT he is a bit unsure of how to say no. This situation is fairly new (ds is only a few months) and i presumed he was mentally prepared for it during the pregnancy. When we discussed it he made all the right noises. But i suppose when reality hit his self preservation for all he knew kicked in.

He knows the cost of keeping us and will get there in the end - of that i am sure. It's just the battles to get there (this is his MO - he takes a long time to accept things, whereas i can make a decision and change just like that).

I do not defend his selfishness. He admits it is a character flaw and when it is illustrated i am suffering he will change, but he will not recognise that suffering without help and would probably be happy if i said nothing. I accept that. I just make sure i let him know my needs now (in the beginning i was waiting for him to notice and he was just carrying on oblivious). i have flaws too. But we adore each other. He frustrates the hell out of me tho (and i do him) but he's worth it.

And yes, i do admire him, and he admires me. We both can do what the other can't so find them a bit amazing. I like that.

Also we are recently married. So this was never going to be a 'dealbreaker' issue for me.

[MrsKoala]

x posts

Molly - i do do that when possible and i bought him a posh modo coffee thing which stinks the kitchen out

But i do get on my high horse and say why should i, you are a grown man etc.

He is transferring his uk 25 days holiday allowance over to his US contract. And also they will pay for him to come to the uk once every 3 months for a couple of weeks to work with uk clients. Which means i will come back then too and we can all stay at my parents in London.

[MrsKoala]

Oh and he doesn't use it as an excuse - he denies he is any different to anyone else. It's others who have noticed his traits and mentioned it. He would hate to be thought of different. He already suffers because of his dyslexia. This is part of the problem, rather than admitting he doesn't understand bills he just keeps paying. Like never checking in a restaurant - because he has no idea whet the rough estimate of the bill should be.

[Gigondas]

The point about bankruptcy is more clear cut than bribery- in some jobs it is a sackable offence.

[MrsKoala]

well we are no where near bankruptcy. but thanks anyway. i'm not sure what their policy is tho. i will ask him.

[shewhowines]

TBH i seem to be a lone voice here with some sympathy for your DH.

He has not frittered away savings as such. He has moved your savings into shares - albeit monthly rather than in one go.

He may have even done you a favour, in that now everything is invested and tied up, he will have to be more open to budgeting.

However, despite the fact that he spends, what most of us would think of as unreasonable, amounts of money on fripparies, he and you CAN afford it. He has not got you into debt. You still have savings although in another format. Just because you don't prioritise snacks/coffees etc, it doesn't mean that he shouldn't see that as important. Of course that doesn't mean you should go without either.

With no money from savings to subsidise the shares, you now need to work out together, where to go from now on.

If he still wants to buy shares then he will need to budget and reduce his spending. It may mean you can't sustain the £850 per month - even if he does budget. But with budgeting you can buy more shares.

You don't need to save that amount per month. It looks to me that you could still buy a reduced amount of shares whilst still budgeting for his current level of spend on snacks/meals etc. It is NBU of him to wish to do this otherwise in his words "what's the point of working?"

You need to take into account your own financial needs and work that into how you progress from here. You shouldn't need to be ordering the cheapest main and drinking water either.

You are in a very privileged position to be able to have savings of any sort. He hasn't frittered them away, he has transferred them.

Now you have to work out how many shares you can afford whilst allowing him to spend what he wants and letting you have some money for yourself too.

I think YABU to make him stick to a budget of £50.
Decide together if you want to buy shares or have money to spend on whatever you both want. You need to decide together how you allocate your disposable income. He can afford his current lifestyle but will have to give up buying some shares each month.

[MrsKoala]

we have stopped the shares completely this month as my MA stops so we will need the money. after all our considerable outgoings we are only left with £600 per month now - even when he stops the shares. so any more than £50 is taking us close to the edge, and we wont be saving anything either.

[MrsKoala]

that's another reason to move. his commuting/travel costs are costing £600 per month and we rent a car for £500 per month as ours died the week before xmas.

when we move he will be a walk to work and the company will rent us a car.

[tinkertitonk]

Health insurance.

OP, you wrote that you have ms. Your health insurance provider in the US is likely to regard that as a pre-existing condition and on those grounds refuse to pay for any of your treatment. It is imperative that, before you move to the US, you discuss this, not with your DH's HR people, but directly with the insurance provider. And get the results of the discussion in writing.

[MrsKoala]

it is covered after 1 year tinker. i am having a meeting with them next week to ensure everything is covered. dh made this his first point when they made him the offer.

[shewhowines]

Ok so now you both need to agree TOGETHER whether you subsidise what is obviously important to him, and dip into your savings/shares or stick to a budget. I think it is NBU of him to want more than £50 if is important to him and you have savings. After all this is one reason why you build savings up - HOWEVER you cannot do this forever, so he needs to use some constraint.

You need to agree and compromise on how far you are willing to let your savings fall. Perhaps start of with £100 per month with a view to reducing the budget gradually over time? It does seem a bit too much of a jump to go to £50 straight off. Is there any other areas that you can trim a little?

Finances will change anyway when you go to the States.You might be better/worse off with the different cost of living. Perhaps re-evaluate then? It shouldn't be you making all the sacrifices though, whatever happens.

As in all relationships you need to talk to each other and both of you need to take into account what is important to the other. You don't need to have a 50/50 split of disposable income just an agreed amount each that will make you both happy. You may be happy with less than him but he must see that you must live within your means, even if you do budget to dip into your built up shares each month.

I still think YABU to demand the £50 but I agree YANBU to see the need for him to see that some new arrangement must happen- even if you do agree to re-evaluate in the States. He does need to see that the status quo must change in the very near future.

[shewhowines]

Sorry yes I see that with the move your finances will improve. Then I don't see why you can't use savings to bridge the gap. It's obviously important to him.