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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants dinner and housework before I can have newborn cuddles...

263 replies

Sal77 · 20/01/2013 11:40

My close friend has recently had a baby. I went round to see her after she'd got out of hospital with a lasagne I'd cooked for them for dinner. When I arrived I was given a piece of paper with a list of chores and told to choose one (I did some hoovering whilst she sat on the sofa with the baby, her DH was at the gym she said). It was a little awkward. Only after that could I have a look/cuddle of the baby.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand having a newborn baby is hard work and I'm happy to help out (I also bought the bump Christmas presents, birthday presents and arranged the baby shower before baby was born). I didn't mind cooking her and her DH dinner, but I feel as though being asked to do housework on arrival was a bit rude given I'd already done dinner...

My friend did mention before the baby arrived about her idea to only allow guests over if they bring dinner and do chores but I didn't think she was that serious about it... And of course I don't mind helping out with babysitting and cooking dinners... But I did think it very rude to ask me to hoover too...

AIBU?

OP posts:

PandaOnAPushBike · 20/01/2013 12:36

Another on the fence here. On the one hand, I wouldn't be happy about being expected to do chores if I went to visit a friend with a new baby. On the other hand, I wish I'd done this when my daughter was born. I was completely alone (escaped DV while pregnant) and no bugger so much as made me a cup of tea. All they wanted was to cuddle the baby.

pigletmania · 20/01/2013 12:36

If she had told me that before bby was born I would have avoided her for a few month

pigletmania · 20/01/2013 12:37

It was rude of her to tell people she was going to ask people to cooker dinner and do chores. She sounds awful!

fuzzpig · 20/01/2013 12:37

How rude

GlaikitFizzog · 20/01/2013 12:38

I think your pal might be one of us!

Clytaemnestra · 20/01/2013 12:38

I remember a very kind friend of mine coming sweeping in when I had a newborn (planned cs) she put the kettle on, did the washing up....and I sat on the sofa feeling like a bit of a lemon. I would have much rather handed the baby over and done it myself. The idea that I would have sat like a precious flower on the sofa with dd while she had done the vacuuming as well sounds awful.

That would be the last time I bothered to go and see the friend tbh. Newborn babies aren't so exciting that I could be bothered with that much entitlement.

LeaveIt · 20/01/2013 12:44

Just out of interest, what were the other choices on the list?

I can imagine if someone was extremely houseproud and possibly getting over a c-section or episiotomy etc asking a good mate if they'd mind running the Hoover over quickly, but never a list. Wow, just wow!

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 20/01/2013 12:47

There's a world of difference between saying to a close friend a) pick a chore off the list to do and then you can have a cuddle with the baby and b) please could you do me a big favour and run the Hoover round quickly because the house is a mess and I'm knackered.

I see nothing round with b if it's said politely and appreciated but a) is just downright bloody cheeky.

I like to think I'd be willing to ask b), particularly as i have a scruffy dog that leaves hair everywhere, but probably wouldn't if someone had brought dinner and my DH had pissed off to the gym leaving me with baby when cleaning needs doing so desperately that I was considering asking friends to help

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/01/2013 12:49

Do some women really think that people are so desperate to see their babies? That is the most cringeworthy thing I've read in a while.

I'd have no problem with helping out a friend but would tell them to keep the 'ransom' uncooed over, no skin of my nose whatsoever.

Original poster

Sal77 · 20/01/2013 12:52

For me, I think it was that she rather demanded it than asked. If she had looked exhausted and overwhelmed and said, "Oh, I don't suppose you'd mind...?" then I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but it was expected. I was shocked at the time sufficiently that I didn't bring it up then as I felt awkward, but when I look back on it I find myself getting angry about it. She had a fairly straight-forward birth by all accounts.

DH was at the gym having some 'me' time apparently... He's a bit high maintenance at the best of times tbh. I've never liked him! I don't think he's going to find fatherhood easy, he'd rather play computer games.

I think I will be avoiding her for a bit. I don't want to fall out over this but nor do I want to be made to feel awkward if I don't want to do her list of chores when I arrive at her house. Apparently one of her friends suggested she take this approach for visitors, and her friend is just the type to write a list and hand it over at the door too (she's a rather aggressive person), so I can't say I'm hugely surprised. My friend's been a bit odd since she got pregnant. More assertive, for sure, but I think this takes the biscuit. A relief to know I'm not being an insensitive cow! I've never had a newborn so I don't really know what it is like but I have a stepchild and nieces and nephews and I don't ask for help when I have them.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/01/2013 12:53

Thing is, from what I can gather, she´s got a perfectly capable husband-yet OP cooked dinner for both of them??!!

What an entitled/lazy couple they sound.

Snowkey · 20/01/2013 12:55

Hate having to feign interest in other people's babies, I'd have taken it as a great excuse not to cuddle. face...slap......wet fish.

Pandemoniaa · 20/01/2013 12:57

It's the demanding approach that makes her unreasonable. A good friend would always help, or ask if there's anything they can do to help anyway. A list isn't required nor should cuddling a baby be conditional on completing a task on a list.

HappyMummyOfOne · 20/01/2013 12:58

I'd have told her babies are not pay per view and walked out. Then i'd seriously question why i was friends with such an idiot.

Millions of women have babies, it doesnt make them special or entitled. If she cant do her own housework then she will be another that couldnt possibly work etc.

mrsjay · 20/01/2013 12:58

that, I wonder if the new mum had been reading something somewhere about letting and demanding friends help and got a little carried away? I would have still taken my lasange home

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/01/2013 12:59

Does anyone watch "Him & Her"? The OP's friend sounds like the SIL in that. She's pregnant at the moment so this could well be the next series!

LuluMai · 20/01/2013 13:00

How ridiculous! I gave birth as single mum with no help and certainly wouldn't have expected guests to do my housework, brew up yes, but do my housework no!

HollaAtMeBaby · 20/01/2013 13:00

YANBU! I always offer to help when visiting newborns, and if I see something that I can easily do e.g. fold washing then I do it, but to give you a LIST? Unbelievable. How did the actual conversation go when this happened?

TheCrackFox · 20/01/2013 13:02

Well her DH is a tad high maintenance but all her friends chipping in with the housework is actually going to be counter productive as he will just get more selfish. He needs to be forced to become a grown up.

I think it might be a good idea to take a step back (maintain contact via phone and email) so he can learn to be a proper father and not an indulged lodger.

juneybean · 20/01/2013 13:04

I'm afraid I'd have turned into Kevin the Teenager and scoffed at her before saying "I am not your slave"

Psammead · 20/01/2013 13:07

I'd have wept with gratitude if anyone had offered to put the kettle on for themselves. Someone bringing dinner?

I think she sounds like the most dreadfully entitled brat. My goodness.

diddl · 20/01/2013 13:10

Thing is, if it´s just the pair of them plus a baby, how messy is the place getting anyway??

Fakebook · 20/01/2013 13:10

Shit! Really?! I will cringe with embarrassment on her behalf.

It sounds like she's been reading too much MN.

MrsDeVere · 20/01/2013 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foslady · 20/01/2013 13:11

I can see where she's coming from......but massively got it wrong......or doesn't she want visitors and this is her way of stopping it????

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