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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sorry it's another sister/wedding aibu - please reassure me I'm not bu!

34 replies

ilovechips · 19/01/2013 21:21

I got married last year, sister didn't attend, sent text at last minute as "too much on", also didn't show to another family event later that year - posted the whole story here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1447557-to-think-my-sister-should-let-me-know-if-shes-coming-to-my-wedding-or-not?pg=1

Anyway, so today out of the blue both myself and my brother have received a wedding invitation for her wedding, which is taking place in 5 weeks. Although she is engaged, she has never mentioned a wedding despite being in fairly regular text contact (yesterday in fact) and this has taken us by surprise.

Am I being unreasonable to think if she really wanted me to attend she could have mentioned the date before sending out an invite? I feel particularly hurt at knowing nothing about a wedding until today. The invitation is very impersonal and just quite tersely demands an RSVP by 12 Feb (ironic given the subject of my previous thread). Neither of my children are mentioned on the invite so assume not invited - my youngest is 7 months, not sure where she thinks i could leave her - also 5 weeks is not much time to arrange time off work - she is 250 miles away and wedding is 11am on a weekday. She doesn't really want us to go does she?

I should add I last went to visit her in November...

OP posts:

kalidanger · 19/01/2013 21:25

I think it's reasonable of you to not go to her wedding, if that's what you're asking. I think it's reasonable of her to have it wherever/whenever she wants it. Seems like your relationship has quietly broken down and neither of you seem bothered.

IDNR the other thread.

lippi · 19/01/2013 21:27

Tell her you would love to attend and then text her on the day of it and tell her something more important has come up.
Treat her the way she is treating you. She does'nt seem to care if you bother to attend or not.

MidniteScribbler · 19/01/2013 21:28

An invitation IS letting you know the date. I don't understand the need for letting me know six different ways of telling them something is happening. That's what invitations are for. You said yourself that you're not close and your relationship has broken down. Why would she contact you in advance about it?

If you don't want to go, then don't. But it's her wedding day, not yours, so really none of your concern when or how she has it.

Original poster

ilovechips · 19/01/2013 21:30

Where did I say we weren't close?

OP posts:

ohfunnyhoneyface · 19/01/2013 21:30

Just read your last thread- don't go.

She obviously couldn't care less if you go or not (and why a weekday?? How awkward with such short notice!) and she has been so disinterested in you- why should you?

How has she been with you post you wedding?

Patchouli · 19/01/2013 21:31

We only decided to get married 6 weeks in advance - maybe they didn't have a date til now.

comedycentral · 19/01/2013 21:33

Hey Chips I just looked and it turns out that I was the last person to comment on your old thread...yes I am a thread killer!

Well to get to the point a little...how odd is your sister? Yanbu unreasonable to be annoyed and confused by her at all. She doesn't seem to value family at all so I am confused that she is invited you.

May I apologise for my confusing post...a little too much vino this evening.

SavoyCabbage · 19/01/2013 21:33

I think five weeks is probably the right amount of notice for a wedding invite.

I didn't see your other thread either but she mustn't prioritise you very much.

Just decide whether you want to go or not and do that. I wouldn't not go because she didn't go to yours but I wouldn't knock myself out tying to go if you can't get childcare or whatever because she has not placed much importance on your presence.

Original poster

ilovechips · 19/01/2013 21:35

Ohfunnyhoneyface - thank you for taking the time to read the previous thread. I am not going to go, which is very sad because as I said in the other thread we always were close. Sadly I guess things just change!

OP posts:

artyflarty · 19/01/2013 21:36

What a horrid woman!

I would text her straight away and tell her you won't be going - no explanation. She may be family but it sounds like you are better off without her.

emsyj · 19/01/2013 21:41

I think you will only make yourself unhappy if you continue to wonder why your sister is the way she is. It might be easier to just accept that she is how she is, and there will be some reason for it that you may never fully know about or understand.

I don't think 5 weeks is that short notice - we only sent our invites out 6 weeks before our wedding, although fair enough we had mentioned the date to people. Maybe it's a very last minute wedding - maybe there's a reason why they're doing it at short notice.

In your place, knowing what little I do from reading this and your previous thread, I would go if I could, try and enjoy it and also try to have lower expectations from this relationship going forward. She's not going to change, it might be best to work on accepting things as they are and maybe if you feel resentful that you put more effort into things than she does, pulling away a little.

I do wonder why she is like this though - don't you? Is her partner very controlling? Is she hiding an illness? I think if you haven't done anything to upset her, you can only conclude that she has her own stuff going on and that her behaviour is not a reflection on you or on how she feels about you, but is due to other issues.

Original poster

ilovechips · 19/01/2013 21:54

I suppose I assumed we were close enough that she would text or call to say they've booked their wedding, rather than just getting a fairly impersonal invite. Clearly we no longer are though, and I need to accept that and move on I guess :(

OP posts:

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 19/01/2013 21:57

We arranged our wedding within two months. I assume that hers is a fairly low-key affair with perhaps not many guests - no need really to announce it sooner.

I might not think to include names of children on an invitation issued to family or friends, as they wouldn't be receiving/reading the invitation, but it certainly wouldn't mean they weren't invited. Anyway, you could always ring her and ask explicitly.

What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that I think you're being harsh on her - presumably due to the backstory. I can understand that - her behaviour was hurtful. But I think you have to be honest with yourself about that hurt and either polietly decline the invitation (because you don't feel OK about what she did to you - althoiugh I wouldn't actually say that to her!) or turn to a fresh page, as it were, and go in a spirit of wanting to celebrate with her.

So you are not BU to feel as you do, but you might BU if you acted on it, iyswim.

TheFallenNinja · 19/01/2013 21:58

Seems she has the gun. Up to you if you give her the bullets. I'd go, eat and drink hearty then go home.

SanityClause · 19/01/2013 22:02

I remember your previous thread, although I didn't post on it.

I think I would ask her if it was all right to bring the children, rather than just assuming they were not welcome. Would she understand that it would be difficult for you to attend without them?

But, I suppose if she makes it too hard for you to go, you would just have to politely decline. (With more than a couple of days notice, as that would be rude! )

MrsKeithRichards · 19/01/2013 22:06

I think it's bizarre that a sister you're in regular contact with didn't mention it. Phone her.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 19/01/2013 22:08

We arranged our wedding in 4 weeks for a weekday as it was cheaper and more availability for venues. It was very last minute. Guests only got 3 weeks notice. Maybe its the same for your sis? I wasn't expecting many people to make it, but we were lucky, and everyone apart from two were able to make the day.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/01/2013 22:08

If I were in your position, I'd go if I could. What she did was unpleasant, but you aren't, are you?

gimmecakeandcandy · 19/01/2013 22:11

How can you be close to her when she is such a cow?!

Stop pandering to her and cut her off!

Original poster

ilovechips · 19/01/2013 22:14

The 5 weeks thing isn't what bothers me so much, what I find odd is that we communicate regularly, only yesterday were talking about little things like the weather - yet she doesn't think mentioning a wedding is important? Yet even then the invites where in the post!

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovechips · 19/01/2013 22:15

were in the post

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/01/2013 22:17

In your shoes I would enquire whether the DC were invited or not, because that can influence your decision. It will also open a dialogue about the wedding ("Such a surprise! When did you decide to get married? Yadda yadda ... )

Ah. Have now read your prevous thread. Bit of a self-absorbed cow, your sister. Given her form, I'd be inclined to congratulate her by text but apologise that you can't get time off work at such short notice. She's a big girl, she'll live.

ZillionChocolate · 20/01/2013 00:19

Say you can't go due to a lack of childcare.

Original poster

ilovechips · 21/01/2013 11:42

Well she just confirmed it's a child-free wedding. So, as I have no childcare I have had no option but to decline anyway

OP posts:

minibmw2010 · 21/01/2013 11:50

Oh dear .. What was her response to that?

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