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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge us as parents if your child got a crap birthday present at a party?

414 replies

M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 10:06

Me and DH are skint. Our two boys have a party invitation each for Sunday. Only handed out on Monday this week.
6yr old Is going to a day out with birthday boys parents on the morning with other kids in ds class.
4yr old is going to a local scout hut in the afternoon

We are skint. Would you judge us as parents if we gave a box of Maltesers as presents?

It's all we can afford at the moment. I just don't want the parents thinking were cheap skates :-(

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 18/01/2013 17:23

OP I'm sure the parents would feel worse for the birthday child if people didn't show up so YWNBU to let them go.

Nothing wrong with the maltesers but I think I'd get a book or something from pound stretcher and a bag of jellies to go with it (just an example).

Then you would be giving a 'real' present too IYSWIM.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 17:23

I'm happy for my DC to go to a party I'm not happy to see them crying because mummy's too proud to send them to their best friends birthday party without a present.

I got the Maltesers for both parties and a lovely Mumsnetter messaged me and is making some bead jewellery for the boys birthdays. So will get DC to tell their friend they will get another present but its on its way :-) thank you :-)

I went to parties many a times as a kid without a present and felt utter shit about it. I don't want my boys feeling the same.

They will make a homemade card too.

If I was in a better position then their friends would have got a better present but were not :-(

Can't believe this got to 10 pages [shocked]

OP posts:
Procrastinating · 18/01/2013 17:25

YANBU, maltesers are fine. My dc would love that.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 17:25

Someone asked how old the boys are.

Ds1 friend is 6
Ds2 friend is 5

The area we come from is a mixture of rich and poor. Most families round here are well off. We unfortunately are not :-(

OP posts:
MrsMushroom · 18/01/2013 17:25

My DD once got a box of maltesers from a new girl at her school....we invited her to DDs party with nearly no notice and the Mum had obviously been in a similar situation OP...no time to go to shops or no cash...anyway that was 4 years ago when DD was 4 and she STILL remembers that box of Maltesers as she'd never had a whole box to herself before!

LynetteScavo · 18/01/2013 17:25

I, and my DC would be very sad if someone didn't come to their party because they couldn't afford/had forgotten to buy a present. Parties are not about the presents or the party bags. They are about having a good time with your friends.

CrapBag · 18/01/2013 17:29

My DS (5 this month) would think a box of maltesers was brillant.

Greensleeves · 18/01/2013 17:29

someone gave my ds2 a box of maltesers for christmas, I've just remembered! by the time he opened them they were crushed and melted from being sat on/crushed against his person to stop his brother getting at them, but he ate the lot and was very happy Grin

dischordant · 18/01/2013 17:29

Yeah, I've read your posts Venus...

What's the word? Oh yeah...Priceless

LynetteScavo · 18/01/2013 17:31

And dare I say it, it's the professional parents with the nice houses and cars who tend to give the less expensive gifts, while parents who live in smaller houses, and go without a car are the ones who give more extravagant gifts. I have been truly Shock at the generosity of some of the gifts DC received from families who I wouldn't have thought to be particularly affluent.

Maybe people just choose to spend their money on different things.

waltermittymissus · 18/01/2013 17:32

How lovely

That's perfect Mona. I hope they have a great day!

izzyishappilybusy · 18/01/2013 17:33

I wouldn't judge and I am getting to point where price of present is putting me off accepting invitations.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/01/2013 17:34

Lynette
I agree.

If I had a friend who felt her children couldn't come to my DC's party because she didn't have enough money, I'd want to cry.

M0na just because the families in the area are well off doesn't mean that they would expect more. I earn the sort of salary even Xenia (as Venus mentioned her) would approve of and I know my children would be delighted with a box of Maltesers (and the right to ration my intake Wink)

Viviennemary · 18/01/2013 17:35

I might although you shouldn't. If you lived in a mansion and drove a 4 x 4 then I'd think you were mean. But if I knew somebody was hard up then I wouldn't mind.

sparklingsky · 18/01/2013 17:39

I wouldnt think twice about it. My dcs would love a box to themselves.

zzzzz · 18/01/2013 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darmont · 18/01/2013 17:44

How about a selection of different pick and mix type sweets and put them in a special box that your children could decorate / personalise and wrap up with a bow to make it look nice. My parents in laws did this and my kids liked it more than all the other presents!

Primrose123 · 18/01/2013 17:46

I wouldn't judge you at all.

My DC have had presents in the past that were obviously from the pound shop, but I was just glad that the kids came to the party. I would happily say to the parents not to bother about a present, but there's no easy way to do that.

I feel quite embarrassed if someone gives them a very expensive present, because we just buy little gifts, often a very small toy or bracelet, and a small box of chocolates.

izzyishappilybusy · 18/01/2013 17:47

Thebposter who feels a bit embarrassed at generosity - I stockpile presents from TKMaxx when they are massively sticky labelled. I have given some lovely presents but never spent more than £10 between 2 dcs.

Original poster
M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 17:48

Thanks. :-) makes me feel abit better :-)

OP posts:
SparkyDudess · 18/01/2013 17:51

Ds would have been thrilled to get a box of maltesers! One of his favourite ever party gifts was a mini box of celebrations - he just thought it was amazing to have a whole box of chocs just for him (and they were about 80p at the time). This was years ago, and he STILL remembers it.

Really glad you've decided to ignore the thankfully small number of posters who expect presents to offset the cost of the party, and the birthday boy/girl will be delighted.

greenpostit · 18/01/2013 17:52

Both my 4yo and 6yo would love a box of maltesers. Much better than any "item" you could get for the same price. I would be perfectly happy with it. I might judge that you were a tight wad if you arrived with a designer handbag and designers sunglasses in a new car, but otherwise I'd be perfectly happy!

A family member got me a small tin of v cheap biscuits for Christmas which would have been fine if he hadn't said that "Christmas was expensive" when he has a huge disposable income and took a £7k holiday and gets about in £100 shirts! He gave another family member something regifted, which would have been ok had it not been very obvious. I think that's what grates on people really - people who say they are skint unless it comes to spending vast amounts of money on luxuries for themselves, which they then do freely. To be actually skint is fine.

SparkyDudess · 18/01/2013 17:53

Primrose has reminded me - ds got a Nescafé jar filled with sweets once, and again was delighted. We live in a quite 'nice' area, but party gifts were always tokens, so the birthday child had the fun of unwrapping, rather than e pensive stuff or plastic tat.

VinoEsmeralda · 18/01/2013 18:00

Just asked my 7 and 9 yr old DC. Their faces lit upSmile at the thought of a box of maltesers to themselves.

We have had friends come to our parties with a homemade card and a v embarrassed mum saying she couldnt afford a present at the moment but it would follow later. I thanked her and said we much rather have friends joining the party then have plastic crap ( of which they have enough).

Its about the party not the presents!

I personally think as long as the child is happy.... ( adults can be pathetic about this - i spent £15 so I expect something back worth £15......)

BrandyAlexander · 18/01/2013 18:06

M0na, please don't worry, maltesers are yummy if the children don't like it then the parents will probably eat them. (Personally, I would probably hide them from the dcs so I could have them all to myself! Grin). Alternatively, the Pound Shop do some nice little books, so PoundStretcher might do the same?

Venus, I am just organising dc1s birthday party. I am doing a theme and putting together goody bags that I think the children wil enjoy. I am not looking to recover the costs through the presents. Shock. I can't answer for Xenia, I can certainly answer from the perspective of someone whose annual household income puts us in the top 0.1% of UK households....it wouldn't occur to me to judge, as i know that 99.9% of other households are not as financially fortunate as we are, particularly in these times. More importantly, if my dcs weregiven any present and they were snooty or judgy about it as you sound, I would be beyond mortified that I was raising them to be so ill mannered. Hope that helps.

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