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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you judge us as parents if your child got a crap birthday present at a party?

414 replies

M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 10:06

Me and DH are skint. Our two boys have a party invitation each for Sunday. Only handed out on Monday this week.
6yr old Is going to a day out with birthday boys parents on the morning with other kids in ds class.
4yr old is going to a local scout hut in the afternoon

We are skint. Would you judge us as parents if we gave a box of Maltesers as presents?

It's all we can afford at the moment. I just don't want the parents thinking were cheap skates :-(

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 18/01/2013 16:23

I am very glad I don't live in your little world Venus Hmm

Greensleeves · 18/01/2013 16:26

How is it boastful not to give a monkeys whether people bring a present or not? Confused

I think expecting a present is tacky and vulgar tbh. I invite people because I want their company. I'm bringing up my children to do the same. If they said "oh X bought me maltesers but they don't have much money so that's OK" I would be ashamed of them (and take the maltesers away)

Is it normal to be grasping then? How depressing.

DewDr0p · 18/01/2013 16:27

I've had children decline party invitations where I've had an inkling that ability to buy a present was the issue (eg there is a lovely family with 9 children at our school and they pretty much never go to parties) I would have loved to have found a way to tell them we don't give a stuff about a present but didn't dare in case I'd judged the situation wrongly!

I've also been in a position where I've not really had the cash to buy a present (Despite living in a nice house! Hard times can fall on anyone these days, you know.) So no judging here.

perceptionreality · 18/01/2013 16:27

'Personally, I wouldn't dream of showing up for a party or wedding or whatever with a cheap present, as I feel it's disrespectful to those who invested time thought and money in the party.'

So, when you invite people to a party you expect to be paid back the money you've spent in presents?? That is not a nice attitude. I imagine you therefore only have well off friends so that they can afford the entrance to your parties?? After all you aren't inviting them primarily for their company are you?

OP the answer to this is simple - a decent person won't care about a present and if they do they aren't worth stressing about.

Meglet · 18/01/2013 16:27

I wouldn't judge.

I'd also scoff some of the maltesers.

VenusRising · 18/01/2013 16:28

Well I do seem to be on another planet!

Vive la difference!

Oblomov · 18/01/2013 16:30

I too would prefer the maltesers to the pound shop colouring book.

Greensleeves · 18/01/2013 16:30

Journey you said that if somebody well-off brought maltesers you would be unimpressed, or words to that effect

that is a revolting attitude

maybe Toys R Us should start doing "wedding lists" for children's parties. Clearly there would be a market for them Hmm

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 18/01/2013 16:30

DS got made several presents that he really liked. One was a homemade sketch book with his name and pictures of things he liked on the front, a pack of pencils and a pencil case.

My kids would love a box of maltesers to themselves.

Also what about looking in a pound shop for a mug a kid might like and a box of hot chocolate and some biccies. My kids would love that.

I've also given a 'bath kit' of a towel with their initial appliqued on (do you sew?) and some bubble bath that were received most enthusiastically.

Oh another gift that DS ::really:: liked at that age was a homemade gift certificate for a trip to the local icecream shop with friend. He knew he got icecream and a trip with his friend.

Bobyan · 18/01/2013 16:31

Venus given you were recently complaining about not being able to afford to save for a deposit on a property, I hardly think you are in any position to comment on how much / little people can afford on birthday presents.
I hope my dcs grow up in "circles" much more pleasant than the ones you move in.
And by the way I've never spent less than £10 on a present, but I appreciate what I have and don't look down my nose at others.

perceptionreality · 18/01/2013 16:33

Some people have iirc, Greensleeves - there have been threads about it.

If people are grasping enough to expect presents I don't know why they don't just sell tickets to the party Wink

Think about it - why should a poor child never be allowed to go to a party? When they probably have enough reminders that they have less than others.

Greensleeves · 18/01/2013 16:33

spoony those are lovely presents!

I know someone who gave a wooden box he had made with a collection of perfect "skimming stones" they had collected

the recipient was delighted!

dischordant · 18/01/2013 16:39

Eurgh..Yuck, what a rotten attitude, Venus. It's stinks to high Heaven!

AllOverIt · 18/01/2013 16:44

The Book People had 7 'Where's Wally' books for £10 before Christmas. I bought it and have divided it up to give one each at birthday parties.

DS would have been thriller with Maltsters

LynetteScavo · 18/01/2013 16:47

Of course I wouldn't judge! My DC would be thrilled to get a packet of maltesers!

I don't expect any presents when my DC's have parties...which is why I'm the mum struggling with 15 gifts and no means of carrying them at bowling. Blush

DS1 once invited a boy from his class to his party...I'd never met the mother, but she greeted me with a huge hug, and gave no wrapped gift, but a very elaborate religious card. I shall always remember her and her son fondly. Smile

dischordant · 18/01/2013 16:51

It's terribly sad to expect good pressies at parties, it really is...

What is this World coming to? Sad, sad, sad....

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 18/01/2013 16:51

Greensleeves, my kids would love that too!

Thingiebob · 18/01/2013 16:52

I would be thrilled and so would my DD. Of course I wouldn't judge. I think it is a perfectly acceptable present whether skint or not.

I would judge mum's with the same attitude as Venusrising. I think it is an unpleasant attitude and sadly will be passed onto her children.

shewhowines · 18/01/2013 16:59

Now I feel bad.

I've always been a great sales/bargain hunter and have given gifts that have cost me £5 or £10 depending on the "going rate" for presents at the time. These often looked far more expensive than they actually were, but I felt guilty if i didn't spend what everybody else did. Now I'm thinking that everybody saw me as "that parent" who tried to outdo everyone - which absolutely wasn't the case. Sad and I probably inadvertently put more pressure on other parents.

I wish now I had saved the money from my bargains - which I actually could have done with at the time.

Greensleeves · 18/01/2013 17:03

shewhowines I am convinced most parents are normal people who just don't think like that at all. Usually people just think "oh lovely thank you" and not a lot else. I have never taken an interest in what other parents can or cannot afford, or looked at presents and thought about how mine measures up.

It's just a few loons who do this. Most people are normal.

VenusRising · 18/01/2013 17:08

To those having a go, why don't you read my posts again, you seem to think that I would judge you if you turned up to a party with a box of malteasers, whereas I said that I wouldn't but that some would. Rather than getting up on the mumsnet high horse and galloping away with yourselves, why don't you go back and read my posts!

In case you haven't time for all that reading.... Let me summarise for you:
My opinion is: Personally I wouldn't let the DCs go to a party if I couldn't afford a decent present, because I think it's disrespectful. And it's not the end of the world to live within your means and take to rough with the smooth - if you can't afford it, don't do it... I move in circles where you would be judged for bringing a cheap present - sad but true, but there you are.

So there you go, I live on a different planet, with different social mores to most on this thread!
Maybe the fact that my mum isn't from the UK gives me a different perspective?

My advice to the OP, if she's happy enough to bring her DS to a party with a box of chocs, then she should... Personally I wouldn't.

SPBInDisguise · 18/01/2013 17:15

If you think it's to do with having money versus not then rest assured it is not. It's maybe to do with whether yuo associate money with worth.

SPBInDisguise · 18/01/2013 17:16

And maybe the people you mix with throw parties for "the show" rather than because they actually want to spend time with the people they have invited. If that's the company you choose to keep then good luck to you.

Molehillmountain · 18/01/2013 17:20

Venus - you just don't get it, do you? I wouldn't consider someone arriving with a gift of a box of maltesers at one of my children's parties to be doing anything they would need to be "brazening out". They would have been invited because the birthday child wanted them there, not because we were doing some "present and party cost must equal out transaction". We make our decision to hold a particular kind of party at a certain cost, and people decide whether their dc can and want to go. I do hope that some parties we've held at very low financial cost per child weren't considered unworthy of the gifts the guests brought. And let's hope your guests felt that they'd had value for money at yours. One of dd's friends has a picnic in the park and it was judged by the guests, including my dd to be the "best party ever". Luckily children don't tend to think like you, nor most adults.

Molehillmountain · 18/01/2013 17:22

Oh and respectful behaviour at a party has nothing to with gifts. It has to do with being polite and appreciative perhaps, maybe an RSVP and a thank you at the end

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