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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely staggered by my friend's total utter selfishness and re-considering our friendship?!

280 replies

EmmyMaz · 17/01/2013 08:57

Friend X's brother has a terminal illness and has not got long to live. Friend X is doing lots of fundraising / campaigning to raise awareness of this illness. I said I would support Friend X with his efforts.

I therefore (very politely) asked a few of my closest friends (including friend Y) if they would be willing to do a couple of very very small things to assist with the awareness-raising campaign. What I asked them to do is something that will literally take 5 or 10 minutes of their time and will not cost them anything financially. I have not asked for their money, just 5 or 10 minutes of their time.

Friend Y responded to me in an email saying "I do not have time for this". When I read her response I was absolutely stunned, I cannot believe she could be so selfish not to spare ten minutes of her time to help a really really important cause and also to help me, her friend.

Also, it is worth adding that Friend Y is not a very busy person, she only works part time and has lots of support with her DD from her Mum who looks after her, so I know for a fact she does have the time! She is always getting her nails done and getting her fake tan done so she is hardly too busy to spare 5 minutes for a really important cause.

I won't bore you with the details, but over the last few years I have spent hours upon hours of my time helping Friend Y with various things. I cannot believe her selfishness and quite frankly do not feel like speaking to her at the moment.

She is normally quite a sweet and kind person (although can be a bit self-absorbed in some ways) and has been there for me though some difficult times, so I am totally shocked by this.

AIBU to be really angered by this and actually to be re-considering our friendship?

OP posts:
SPBInDisguise · 17/01/2013 09:10

Misunderstanding somewhere? Also you sound quite judgey about how unbusy she is. I have days where nothing else important will fit in my brain, maybe she was having one of those

ENormaSnob · 17/01/2013 09:14

YABU

And judgy.

You asked her to do something, she said no. I can't see the big deal tbh.

What was it you asked them to do?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/01/2013 09:15

It's an eye opener sometimes, finding out about people you class as friends.She's been there for you in the past so sad as it is, maybe this isn't something she cares about or underestimates how committed you are to helping X.

Losing a friend from disease or accident is terrible. You have some choice in casting off Y. She might redeem herself later but your confidence in her won't be what it was. Yanbu to be upset.

Sorry about Friend X.

PenisColada · 17/01/2013 09:15

YABU there could be lots if reasons why she said no.

What is important to you is not important to everyone. It's called choice.

Nancy66 · 17/01/2013 09:17

From her point of view it's a friend of a friend's brother - not a particularly strong link.

What did you ask her to do ?

wigglesrock · 17/01/2013 09:19

I think you are way over-reacting - she is not helping a friend of a friends brother - have I got that right? It depends what you've asked them to do - is it contacting other people to fundraise?/sell ballots etc?, man an information stall/phone people? I wouldn't be doing any of these - no matter how little time it took me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/01/2013 09:19

I am sorry, posted in haste, it is X's brother who is ill. It is still upsetting about Y and tbh if you now view her differently it is not BU to re-evaluate your friendship. People can choose how to spend their time and she may not grasp how important you feel this effort is.

LineRunner · 17/01/2013 09:20

It could matter what is was you asked her to do (some people really don't like doing facebooky stuff or delivering fliers for example); and I suppose she might have thought that it would take much more than ten minutes and was having a really crappy day.

KhallDrogo · 17/01/2013 09:22

Does friend X know friend Y?

I do think UAB....she is not obliged to help you. It is not your brother who is ill, so I don't even think she is being insensitive.

You sound quite horrid about her

KhallDrogo · 17/01/2013 09:24

Yes...what did you ask her to do

People generally don't have time, to campaign for friends of friends relatives...that is quite a wide net and would catch a lot of sick people

valiumredhead · 17/01/2013 09:26

What did you ask her to do?

HeyHoHereWeGo · 17/01/2013 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EarlyInTheMorning · 17/01/2013 09:33

It really does depend on what you asked her to do
I do understand you being upset but you might also BU on this one

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 17/01/2013 09:36

You asked for a favour and she said no, so you plan on ending the friendship. She'll be better off. It doesn't matter what this "little small thing" was, she doesn't want to do it. Why should she? You can't demand favours and help from people, you have to ask, and they can refuse. That's how favours work. Do you cut off everyone who doesn't leap to do exactly what you demand of them? If it's such a small thing, do it yourself Hmm

PureQuintessence · 17/01/2013 09:36

It really depends on what you asked her to do.

If it simply was to share Facebook status regarding the cause to spread awareness, then I cant see why she would decline.

Letsmakecookies · 17/01/2013 09:37

YABVU.

Original poster
EmmyMaz · 17/01/2013 09:37

I asked her to release a balloon (a bio-degradable balloon that is) with a message attached. The message could be anonymous if she didn't want to identify herself.

Fair enough if she doesn't feel comfortable doing it (for whatever reason) but she could have just responded to me to say she doesn't feel comfortable doing it but good luck with the campaign (or something nice, rather than I don't have time for this).

Yes I appreciate it is her choice how to spend her time, but I am upset she is not willing to spend five minutes helping me when I have spent hours helping her over with various things over the years. If it was her borther who was dying, no doubt she would want people to support her.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 17/01/2013 09:39

Maybe she thinks that releasing a load of balloons isn't really very helpful and is a waste of money and is too polite to say?

FellatioNels0n · 17/01/2013 09:39

We need to know what you asked her to do before we can judge. It may not be a time issue - it may be something that she just feels a bit uncomfortable doing - for example going around her office asking people for money, or giving out her friends' email addresses or spamming people's facebook pages.

she may be pretending it's all about the 'time'. Also things that people say 'only take ten minutes' rarely only take ten minutes.

FellatioNels0n · 17/01/2013 09:39

Crossed posts!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 17/01/2013 09:40

What did you ask her to do?

I think yabu there could be a million reasons why she said no, but she can't be that much of a friend if you are going to end the friendship over this.

LadyMargolotta · 17/01/2013 09:41

Perhaps she supports charities/fundrising in other ways, and just doesn't want to get involved in this one.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 17/01/2013 09:42

Yeah let's kill some wildlife and pollute the place to raise awareness - biodegradable or not, balloons are litter and dangerous to birds and animals. If the string and the message itself and its ink biodegradable too? How long do they take to biodegrade? Does bioaccumulation mean anything to you?
Sounds like your friend is the sensible one of the two of you.

Original poster
EmmyMaz · 17/01/2013 09:42

Not really going to end friendship ... That was a bit OTT!
Just disappointed that's all

OP posts:
SPBInDisguise · 17/01/2013 09:43

ActuLly yanbu about the way she responded