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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely staggered by my friend's total utter selfishness and re-considering our friendship?!

280 replies

EmmyMaz · 17/01/2013 08:57

Friend X's brother has a terminal illness and has not got long to live. Friend X is doing lots of fundraising / campaigning to raise awareness of this illness. I said I would support Friend X with his efforts.

I therefore (very politely) asked a few of my closest friends (including friend Y) if they would be willing to do a couple of very very small things to assist with the awareness-raising campaign. What I asked them to do is something that will literally take 5 or 10 minutes of their time and will not cost them anything financially. I have not asked for their money, just 5 or 10 minutes of their time.

Friend Y responded to me in an email saying "I do not have time for this". When I read her response I was absolutely stunned, I cannot believe she could be so selfish not to spare ten minutes of her time to help a really really important cause and also to help me, her friend.

Also, it is worth adding that Friend Y is not a very busy person, she only works part time and has lots of support with her DD from her Mum who looks after her, so I know for a fact she does have the time! She is always getting her nails done and getting her fake tan done so she is hardly too busy to spare 5 minutes for a really important cause.

I won't bore you with the details, but over the last few years I have spent hours upon hours of my time helping Friend Y with various things. I cannot believe her selfishness and quite frankly do not feel like speaking to her at the moment.

She is normally quite a sweet and kind person (although can be a bit self-absorbed in some ways) and has been there for me though some difficult times, so I am totally shocked by this.

AIBU to be really angered by this and actually to be re-considering our friendship?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 17/01/2013 10:08

The OP didn't say, "My friend was horrid for not releasing a balloon to kill wildlife"

She said, "I am hurt that my friend was rude and dismissive when I asked for help"

CAN YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE????

BabsAndTheRu · 17/01/2013 10:09

YANBU, as you say it would only take 5 mins. I would be disappointed as well if a friend said that to me. It really annoys me when people say they don't have time, I know its all relative but I have always found that the people who say that, like your friend, are the ones with lots of help. My SIL could be like this, never any time, but had a nanny, cleaner, gardener and always at the gym, skiing lessons, hairdresser etc. Where as DP and I have 3 DC's under 5, no back up, help look after DM with cancer and MIL with dementia but we find time to help out a friend.

scrumpkin · 17/01/2013 10:09

Fwiw I would have helped you and let off a balloon.

Your friend was rude and thoughtless!

Kalisi · 17/01/2013 10:09

Yabu, and the tone of your first post makes you sound like quite a shitty and judgemental friend.
Depending on what was going on in my life at the time, I may or may not have chosen to help out a friend of a friends brother. She does not 'owe' you anything.

HeadfirstForHalos · 17/01/2013 10:10

Actually ignore my other post. I was answering from the POV of a stranger. If one of my friends asked me to do it I'd still think it was pointless but would, of course, do it for them. It's what friends do.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 17/01/2013 10:10

Releasing a balloon is not really helping anyone out though, maybe if it was something that actually raised money or awareness she would be more inclined to help. I don't think the friend has been rude, I would think if she said 'sorry your idea is crap and i don't agree with it' would be rude, sounds to me like she was being diplomatic.

I sometimes have to say no to sponsoring people, usually I know 20 or 30 people doing things like the race for life, I can't possibly sponsor them all. I would hate to think that people would think less of me because I don't have a couple of hundred quid to spend on sponsoring everyone I know. Do people really judge others for not having the money to sponsor them?

Hullygully · 17/01/2013 10:10
IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 17/01/2013 10:10

I wouldn't want to do a balloon release either. I might say I didn't have time because I wouldn't know how to say, politely, that I thought it was wrong from an environmental pov, more than slightly pointless and mawkish. I don't want to let go of a piece of string for someone I don't know under the pretence that it is raising awareness because it probably isn't. I understand releasing balloons in some contexts, bereavement counselling for example but I'm baffled by this.

I don't sign condolence book or leave flowers by the side of the road where strangers have been killed because I don't like to hijack or trespass on the grief of others and balloon fall into that category for me.

Hullygully · 17/01/2013 10:10

I am so glad you lot are not my friends.

Christ.

With friends like that...

TroublesomeEx · 17/01/2013 10:10

I'm surprised that there are people who think it's a good idea tbh!

There are many things that can be done to raise awareness but I don't see how releasing a balloon achieves this.

It's lovely that the OP wants to do something and a blanket and arbitrary "I'm too busy to give 5/10 minutes of my time to support a worthwhile cause" would seem a bit churlish to say the least, but I'm still not sure what releasing a balloon would achieve.

Catsdontcare · 17/01/2013 10:11

If her email was just one line saying "I do not have time for this" then I agree it was a fairly shitty and dismissive response the least she could do is give a good explanation.

everlong · 17/01/2013 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 17/01/2013 10:12

yes everlong

dear lord

FergusSingsTheBlues · 17/01/2013 10:13

A facebook share would have been more effective anyway than releasing a bit of inflated rubber into the world. I wouldnt sweat it, tbh.

Fenton · 17/01/2013 10:14

I agree, the response 'I don't have time for this' is exceedingly blunt and suggests you are asking far too much of her, when actually you haven't asked a lot.

I would be upset and confused too, - but perhaps if she is normally very sweet and kind I would be more confused than upset and want to find out more about the reason for her response rather than just writing it off as selfish.

Don't fall out with her, talk to her about it.

ENormaSnob · 17/01/2013 10:14

So is it an organised mass balloon release or does she just have to shove one out of her window or door or whatever?

KhallDrogo · 17/01/2013 10:14

I wouldn't release balloons either (not because of the environmental issue) because its pointless. I may offer some lame excuse about not having time because it is mire sensitive and mums than the truth. It's over sentimental self indulgent exercise that is of no benefit at all. If i were dying is be embarrassed and cross if people started that kind of nonsense

KhallDrogo · 17/01/2013 10:15

And if she doesn't know the person, its an empty gesture anyway

Bonsoir · 17/01/2013 10:16

People are allowed to say no when asked for favours.

Fenton · 17/01/2013 10:16

The balloon release is presumably about raising awareness about the illness rather than fund raising.

bringbacksideburns · 17/01/2013 10:17

I know many do Race For Life. I wouldn't dream of forcing someone to contribute. But when it's a good friend and we are talking about £2 not hundreds of pounds then it does make me think, yes.

Of course she doesn't owe you anything but she could have made a more tactful dismissal.

Hullygully · 17/01/2013 10:18

So Bonsoir, a really close friend of yours asks for ten minutes of your time to help a dying person, and you would happily reply, "I don't have time for this"

How nice.

dreamingbohemian · 17/01/2013 10:19

If the entire and complete response was 'I do not have time for this' then yes that's pretty rude.

But I suspect the OP is paraphrasing.

I do think the balloon aspect is relevant, in that I don't think we are required to support our friends in absolutely everything they do, if we think what they're doing is actually counterproductive or harmful in other ways.

BabsAndTheRu · 17/01/2013 10:19

Hullygully, I'm with you, it's not the balloons that are the issue, its being let down by a friend. Stop going on about the balloons. Her friends response was pretty abrupt and quite hurtful. If she really didn't want to help her friend out there are nicer ways of putting it and that is what this thread is about, not helping your friend out.

Hullygully · 17/01/2013 10:21

Why do you suspect dreaming??

The response is THE WHOLE POINT