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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask parent of child with sn to stay at party

39 replies

stella1w · 15/01/2013 21:20

It,s a whole class, 40 kids, church hall, entertainer party, ages 4 or 5. One child has sn and therefore one on one worker at school. Can i ask her mum/dad to stay, and if so, how?
I don,t know what the sn are.. Motor issues for sure

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/01/2013 21:25

If I was looking after 40 kids aged 4 or 5, I'd be asking lots of parents to stay.

marriedinwhite · 15/01/2013 21:25

I think you need to ask if there is anything you need to be specifically aware of and say something like we really want your dc to come and we have 3 adults to 40 children. Will this be enough to support your dc or would you like to stay - you would be very welcome.

Recalls a party where a child with sn came and who needed the loo 10 times and a lot of attention and there were two sports coaches and me and DH and we said never, again without asking the parent to stay. I don't think it's unreasonable to discuss with the parent and set out what you can and can't do.

MammaTJ · 15/01/2013 21:25

I think they would probably appreciate it, tbh!

I think they will be fairly used to their child being excluded and you trying to include them will probably go down very well indeed. Try giving them the invitation and say something like 'Will you be staying?' and they will like the opportunity to.

ihearsounds · 15/01/2013 21:26

SN is a whole range of things, and having a one to one means nothing.

DozyDuck · 15/01/2013 21:27

I'd stay anyway. If the child gets 1:1 at school they'll need 1:1 at a party really. I've always stayed with DS at any parties etc.

orangepudding · 15/01/2013 21:29

I think at that age quite a few parents will stay. If the c:-) jild needs one to one its unlikely the parents will expect you to look after the child during the party and will stay.

DozyDuck · 15/01/2013 21:29

I like the way marriedinwhite put it though

NotSoNervous · 15/01/2013 21:29

I think the parents will want to stay or talk to you about it at least but i would ask them as someone already said if there is anything youcan do to help make sure he enjoys himself and tell them there more then welcome to stay and if other parents are I would mention that too

CaptChaos · 15/01/2013 21:31

DS never got invited to parties, so I can't comment from experience, but my opinion would be that I would be happy to stay and really happy that you had invited him.

40 kids though? I'd have a bunch of parents staying with you! Wink

Eve · 15/01/2013 21:32

Once I asked a child with sn to my sons party when there were 7 or so as I wanted to be inclusive to all.

The TA told me the mother cried at the invite, as her son never got invited to parties.....never again though.

Parents dumped the child and cleared of, didn't leave a contact number!

Child was pretty uncotrollable ....lHe was larger than most of the others, and quite aggressive and party ended up with most of the others kids in tears at one point.

Never again!

PoppyWearer · 15/01/2013 21:34

I would ask, to make sure.

My DD really wanted a friend with SN at her last birthday. I invited him, but the mum has other older children, no other care, and there wasn't (genuinely) space for them, so I agreed to her suggestion that she could drop and go.

I regretted it. His SNs were complex but I spent half the party looking after him (literally running around) and he needed help to use the toilet as well (don't want to give TMI). DD didn't notice/care but I was frazzled by the end.

I was glad DD had her friend there though, but I think if I did it again I would have made more of an effort to help one of the parents to stay.

saintlyjimjams · 15/01/2013 21:37

Usually parents of children with SN stay without being asked.

We have had one child left with us at a party with a full time 1:1 at school and autism (the dad said 'have you been told he has autism'; I said 'no but I'd noticed, and it's not a problem we do a lot of autism in this house'). He was no problem at all, good as gold.

MummytoMog · 15/01/2013 21:37

I was so happy when DD was asked to a party. She is only 3 so nearly all the parents stayed, but I would have asked if it was ok to stay anyway.

MummytoMog · 15/01/2013 21:38

Party was mostly 4 yr olds btw, and a couple of 5 yr olds.

saintlyjimjams · 15/01/2013 21:38

I am laughing at all of you frazzled after a couple of hours of looking after a child with SN though (yes, yes I know it's different when it's not your own and during a party etc - but honestly try years of it 24/7).

NorthernLurker · 15/01/2013 21:40

If you're asking the whole class then of course this child should be invited. I would be very up front with mum or dad and say that you're not feeling very confident about managing their child's needs. Can they make suggestions or stay? I may be facing this scenario myself this year depending on what dd3 wants to do for her party and that's what I plan to say to the child's parents. Their child has complex needs that I do not understand including with communication. I want to include that child but inclusion without support is just a huge stress for everybody. It's not wrong to not know. It's wrong to not try and find out iyswim.

Debs75 · 15/01/2013 21:40

At DS's party I asked the mums of kids with SN to stay at they party. It may of helped that DS went to a special needs school so they were more surprised that I had done a party then at being asked to stay.

When dd was invitd to parties and he went I always stayed with him. It does depend on the SN as to why the parent should stay or not but in general it is better to stay. I couldn't tell a mum everything that set ds off, I would be there too long, and even if they did know what set him off and how to settle him he may not want them to and just want me which would make him ten times worse.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 15/01/2013 21:40

I always ask to stay on the very rare occasions that DS gets a party invitation. Have you sent out the invitations yet?

Wolfiefan · 15/01/2013 21:41

What married said about asking what you need to know and saying they are welcome if they need to stay. 40 kids? Hope lots of other parents are staying too. I'd worry more about that number than one child with unknown SN.

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/01/2013 21:42

It depends what the SN is tbh. A child might need 1:1 support to LEARN, not access a party and many children with SN can be better behaved than children without.

You'd not notice my DS (ASD) but you'd probably be mighty grateful of me staying we're you to invite dd. She's a pickle that would consume your every fibre.

firawla · 15/01/2013 21:42

I would have thought the parents will have it in their mind to stay anyway as he has 1:1 and 4 is quite little - many nt kids parents would still be staying too, so don't see any way they can really take offense to be asked to stay - I know I wouldn't.

whatyoulookinat · 15/01/2013 21:43

eve your comments make me Sad

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2013 21:44

How many adults are going to be at this party OP?

saintlyjimjams · 15/01/2013 21:46

We've always invited the kids with SN to every party ds2 or ds3 has ever had - never had any problems from them at all. And with the exception of the boy with autism the parents have always stayed without me asking (I don't ask as I always have extra people at whole class parties anyway).

Some of the NT kids have been nightmares, but never had a problem with the kids with SN.

notactuallyme · 15/01/2013 21:46

What do you actually know, and what are you guessing? Having sn definitely doesn't mean 'therefore' 1 - 1 at school - do u know the child has a ta and if so, to help with what? Tbh, if I didn't know u, and u approached me it would need to be carefully done. Maybe try 'my child really wants your child to come to his party, and says he needs a bit of help at school sometimes - would he be ok, and please stay if u want - we will have wine coffee etc.'

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