to want to cancel going to this wedding

[nennypops]

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

Of course it's fine to have a child free wedding, but don't ask someone to be best man, listen to their explanation of why their wife can't leave your very small baby, pretend to understand, then insist that they can't bring the baby.

Let alone allow your future mil to phone said best man.

Surely the B and G will know that the mil was going to make the phonecall? Where else would she have got the phone number?

Sigh. They are making a huge deal about nothing, the baby being there - which I agree with the others if they have children at some point they will look back on and be embarrassed about.

It's a communication issue - IF they thought about it, I reckon they assumed the babysitter would look after both children. You also assumed they were switched on enough about babies to know how hard it could be to leave one behind and that the baby was allowed. It's obvious to anyone with children how hard you have tried to think about how to manage the situation w/o disrupting them, but they may not see it that way. They are likely to be more in tune with arguments that it's totally uncontroversial to have a 'childfree wedding' for their 'big day.'

On the basis that you are at different life stages...assumptions were made on both sides but there is a longstanding friendship and it's their wedding... I would be inclined to humour them and find a sitter if you can at all or just send DH. Probably just send DH.

It's a big move to have had the MIL ring (which they did.) They sound like they're panicking. Is there any question the MIL's ridiculous arguments were maybe more out of not knowing what else to say when your DH seemed so determined?

If it were my friend, you'd be at the wedding with your baby. But I would be curious to hear their side of the story.

YANBU. If I were your DH I'd withdraw my position and not go.

LadyHarriet, we can't get a sitter for the baby because it would mean being away from home for a couple of days, he won't take bottles and anyway for me the thought of sitting there with rock hard leaky boobs is hardly inviting. If they'd said from the start that it was a child-free wedding then DH could have made the choice whether to agree to be best man. What he objects to is that they never once mentioned this when talking to us about it, they invited both of us knowing we'd have a small baby and they knew perfectly well that we were planning to take him with us because we talked about how to deal with him. So by bringing this up a few weeks before the wedding they're basically withdrawing my invitation which seems incredibly rude. Even if dh does go along on his own to keep the peace, he's not going to be the most sincere best man anyway, and the friendship will probably be put under even greater strain.

What does DH want to do?

Has he spoken to the Groom. Not the zillas but his friend.

Well if he isn't going to be a "most sincere best man" maybe it is best he does withdraw. He might be annoyed with the bride and groom but a half hearted speech is going to be awkward for everyone.

TBH if you sat in the back row with a baby on your boob, I doubt even the bride would notice as everyone would indeed be looking at her and unless you were completely topless, I doubt anyone would even notice you were BFing.

They are potentially damaging a friendship over something that probably won't even be noticeable on their day.

What does the groom say about his future mil retracting the invite for the wife of his best man?

Whatever you do, this friendship is doomed. Neither of you are ever likely to move past this, and if you are, I salute you!

Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc.
What does she think the baby is going to do, stand on table and tap dance?
How very UR. Send a pressie and say sorry cant make it with tiny baby.

I never understand 'child free weddings' always makes me think people are a bit uptight.

The bride sounds like a real piece of work if she's whining to her Mum that a tiny baby will upstage on her Big Day and must be kept away.

See, i think YANBU, however, I have been to more htan one wedding where someone hasn't taken their crying/misbehaving DC out of weddings. I sat in one where DH had taken crying DS outside and was shocked that another couple just expected everyone to listen to their DC scream the place down, meaning most of us couldn't hear the vows. If the bride & groom have recently been to a wedding with someone like that at it, then I can easily see why they would not want a baby at the wedding and would say the ANBU to not want that, they do'nt konw what sort of parent you are.

Another option if you feel you can't drop out completely, childminder in the hotel bedroom, you don't go to the ceremony, then the childminder sits upstairs with your DC/takes them to play in the hotel gardens (quite frankly, unless the B&G have exclusive use of the hotel, they really can't complain at another guest being in the garden!), you go up to feed regularly.

what this couple have done wrong is not say from day one it would be no DCs, not even 'babes in arms' - my BIL& SIL did the same thing, leave it until the last mnute to think about if they wanted DCs there ad then uninvite them...

I never understand 'child free weddings' always makes me think people are a bit uptight.

Nothing to do with being uptight, some people just don't want children at their wedding, which is up to them.
I can never understand people, who, when they have children, refuse to do anything without them and will never leave them for a few hours. (Not talking about tiny bf babies here by the way, just having children in general.)
Those who get all offended at being told, no, children aren't invited - even if said child is 8 years old or whatever, and flat out refuse to go.
Nothing to do with them, and completely up to the person whose wedding it is.

'Another option if you feel you can't drop out completely, childminder in the hotel bedroom, you don't go to the ceremony, then the childminder sits upstairs with your DC/takes them to play in the hotel gardens (quite frankly, unless the B&G have exclusive use of the hotel, they really can't complain at another guest being in the garden!), you go up to feed regularly.'

Why? So much faff for some bridezilla. And best of luck finding a childminder to do this, not to mention, hotel gardens? What if there aren't any or it's raining?

Just drop out and consider this friendship part of the past.

They (and I still suspect the MIL) are being rubbish about it.

But taking it as withdrawing your invitation is Very High Maintenance and Huffy. It isn't personal but about somebody's fictitious idea of the perfect wedding.

If your DH isn't best man I imagine it will be the end of the friendship, and you will be blamed.

If it were me I'd see if DH can reason with them, and if not, he can go alone, for the bare minimum of dispensing his duties.

I bet it has come about because someone else has asked if they can bring their baby, maybe more than one person. And all of a sudden there will be as many babies as guests, so they feel that you can't bring your LO or the bride's cousin will take the huff etc.

Child free weddings are terrible and end up all pompous and po-faced. It is not the same without a five year old skidding across the dancefloor on his knees, and most grown ups are less well behaved than most children after a drink. So I wouldn't be much fancying their wedding anyway.

Am usually a lurker but thought I'd post as had exact same thing. I ended up going to the wedding and my parents came too and had the baby in the hotel room. When she needed feeding they txt me and I would go back and feed. Not hard really and I didn't mind the request as it was their wedding and up to them how they conducted it. We are still friends and I really enjoyed myself.
HTH

Child free weddings are terrible and end up all pompous and po-faced

Pompous and po faced?! You obviously have stuffy friends then as I've been to a few child free weddings and they've been anything but stuffy - more like adults letting their hair down as they've got a night off!

expat - I've done this for 3 different weddings when DS was under 2 ! Most hotels will find you someone they regularly use, or if you are near the hotel, arrange someone to go to babysit in the same way you would if it was at your house, or just use a company like sitters. (the gardens was only if it's nice and they don't want to stay in the hotel room!)

Often it was more my choice TBH - we had a spate of weddings that started at 4:30pm with then drinks and then dinner, even when DS was invited, it just wasn't going ot work with his tea time/bath and bed time. I was going to have to get someone else to sit in the room from 7:30pm ish as he was never the sort of baby who's sleep in his buggy in the corner of the room from about 5 months onwards (more, scream the place down unless he was in a quiet room with nothing interesting to look at), so it was only an extra couple of hours to pay for.

The majority of the weddings I go to now are child-free and I think it's such a shame. I have great memories of going to weddings as child and my two haven't been to any.

You can't go that much is clear (unless you are prepared to express etc) so your DH needs to decide if he goes without you and stays for the minimum amount of time or for the whole event or whether he doesn't go at all. If he decides not to go it would probably be best all round that he just politely declines rather than fall out. I imagine they will look back in the years to come and realise what a prize pair they are being. They have probably said no children to family and worry it will cause problems to not do a blanket ban however most people are reasonable enough to realise a babe in arms is different to a rampant toddler.

Far from it, the child freeweddings are the ones in hotels where I'm a plus one for one of DH's ex colleagues....hate being a plus one....thankfully now consigned to history....everyone we know has got kids by now.

Merylstrop - the closest I had to a child at my wedding was a 15 year old cousin. Not because I banned them, just because the only friends we had who'd had DCs at the time we got married weren't able to make it anyway, and the 15 year old was the youngest 'family child'. If we invited the same group of people now 5 years on they'd be over 20 DCs to invite, not counting mine...

however, we did invite a whole rugby team, so there was skidding across the dancefloor on knees anyway...

[by] bringing this up a few weeks before the wedding they're basically withdrawing my invitation

OP you are hinting that their failure to mention their 'child free' wishes at the outset was not an oversight, or lack of thought? It seems you are dietermined to take this personally.

Before anyone jumps on to say babies ARE personal, i mean to say that i think that they more than likely didn't think this through, and are now floundering rather than trying to exclude you, using the baby, IYSWIM.

I think if this happened to me i would do the graceful thing and send/let DH to the wedding to fulfill his BM duties. But i wouldn't forget what they did. I would hope in a few years they think back and cringe.

Personally, I love weddings with kids there as it's a big family oriented bash and I think weddings are the union of two families as well as two people.

However, people are entitled to have a child free wedding, as long as they don't strop when parents are unable to attend. Not everyone has babysitters or family close by, so it's often not an option to just leave the kids with someone.

I also think it's bad for to insist a mother doesn't bring a newborn.

Also- what's all this nonsense about "why don't you just express for a day?" It's not easy to express enough for an overnight stay or two, and your boobs will be painful and engorged and the baby might not take a bottle, and it will mess your supply up, and if the baby is very young, then BFing patterns and supplies are still being established. It's not just like running a tap or milking a cow!

Samnella - I know what you mean, but we can't be the only ones who are nearly out of unmarried family now? There's my cousin who is now 20, but we aren't that close so not sure if we'd get an invite anyway should she ever get married (live other end of country).

however, thanks to my gran being one of 7 and my grandad being one of 12 (!) when we were growing up, there was always a 'cousin of my dad' getting married every other saturday in the summer.

All this take the high road and childminders and nip up and down and feed. C'mon! The bride's mum rang up the OP's DH! Bridezilla nutter! If I were the OP's DH I'd tell him we weren't coming. This friendship is doomed anyhow, why drag it out?