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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cancel going to this wedding

325 replies

nennypops · 15/01/2013 21:16

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 16/01/2013 19:00

Don't mind if I do....ace. It's the best bit, apart from the speeches. 12 kids, including my own at our wedding.... 7 years later nearly a 50:50 split at my BEst Woman's

tigerKesha · 16/01/2013 19:01

I think YABU by trying to have DH back out from being a best man. Most men choose a dear valued friend to be a best man & it would be mean spirited to turn him down last minute. Dear OP you don't seem particularly close to the bride & groom, so by not attending I don't think you'll miss out much. We had an adult only wedding as our reception was quite late and the venue didn't allow children after a certain time yet the party was from 7pm till 1am. A friend of my husband brought his 3 little children between ages 1 to 6 & spent half the time in church trying to keep them quiet through the vows and his wife kept chasin them up the aisle, we still have them in the wedding video. Also my brothers & my SIL didn't bring their beloved kids but seeing as it was for 1 day only no one took it that personally. PS: we love babies & we now have 2 & I would not stop my DH from going to his best mates wedding if I wasn't allowed to go with DCs

expatinscotland · 16/01/2013 19:03

'Most men choose a dear valued friend to be a best man & it would be mean spirited to turn him down last minute. '

And the groom's being an arse about the OP's husband's child. That's mean spirited, too. If the DH wants to back out, why not?

YouOldSlag · 16/01/2013 19:08

True expat. The dear friend is saying "Don't go bringing that newborn baby to my wedding. In fact, don't bring your wife either. It's OUR day, not yours!"

Some friend.

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2013 19:09

So they knew from the offset that you planned to take baby, yet waited til a few weeks before to get mil to ring and say the baby isn't welcome?

That's not a communication failure imo.

That's really shitty of them.

Would your dh have accepted being best man had he known this? I reckon not.

SoldeInvierno · 16/01/2013 19:10

If that was me, I wouldn't go, and I don't think DH would go either. What is the point? are you really going to forget this story after the wedding and stay friends?

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2013 19:14

Totally agree with expat.

This friendship won't be continuing.

Fwiw I have no strong feelings re child free weddings (I cant really be arsed with weddings in general tbh) but this is really poor of them.

Every child free wedding we've attended has given ample notice of the child ban and has excluded babes in arms.

SauvignonBlanche · 16/01/2013 19:17

YANBU, they don't sound like much of a friend.

Sandie79 · 16/01/2013 19:33

I think it would be outrageous to pull out as being best man this close to the wedding and would cause a rift that wouldn't heal.

I also think, unless they explicitly included the baby on the invite, there was no way it even occurred to them you wouldn't get a babysitter.

The no-children thing has its place, and they may think that if they make an exception for you lots of other friends and family members will be irate. I was at a lovely, very informal family wedding a few years ago where the bride and groom had decided that since they already had two dc, they would invite everyone else's children - there were 140 adults and 85 children. It was a bbq at a big house in the country with plenty of space so the kids had a ball, but it made me realise how crazy the numbers can be.

They probably should be more accommodating but even still I think you should send dh and then perhaps subsequently re-evaluate the friendship a bit.
If you aren't happy with just letting him go and staying home, I've been to weddings where the bf-ing mothers of small babies have arranged a hotel sitter (and in one case a grandparent) to stay in the room and nipped out to feed - most of the time the baby has been asleep, and it was a chance for the mum to have a catch-up with friends. Would that be a possibility? If you already have the room set up you could see if the hotel arranges sitters, there may even be other people attending the wedding who'd be willing to share.

The MIL is ridiculous, and inappropriate, but unless you know they set her on you, I don't think you can blame them too much for that.

HoratiaWinwood · 16/01/2013 19:34

I've been to a wedding where there had been a change of best man a mere fortnight before the ceremony (the groom had his wrist in a cast: these facts are related Grin ).

If DH hadn't been on the stag do, we would have been none the wiser.

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2013 19:39

Read the thread sandie.

About 3 pages ago op said they knew they planned to take baby all along as it had been discussed throughout. It was only after the recent meal that they have said no baby.

gimmecakeandcandy · 16/01/2013 19:43

newandsparkly you are talking utter bollocks. And obviously have no clue bout breastfeeding a newly born baby.

PickledApples · 16/01/2013 19:43

How old is baby btw?
The couple have surely passed on your number to the MIL? Shock that alone would piss me off!

DH was best man once and we as a couple were missed out of speeches (had helped with preparations, every other Jim Bob got a name check Hmm ) DH had no actual role other than ring bearer Confused and they gave alcohol as a "thanks" for the BM role, knowing we're tee total. Pretty crap and a huge waste of time, money and effort (3hours away, young DC etc)

Ah the joy of weddings Grin

Sandie79 · 16/01/2013 19:47

Enorma that's not quite what I'm getting from that. She said ' 'If they'd said from the start that it was a child-free wedding then DH could have made the choice whether to agree to be best man. What he objects to is that they never once mentioned this when talking to us about it, they invited both of us knowing we'd have a small baby and they knew perfectly well that we were planning to take him with us because we talked about how to deal with him.'

I assume the 'when we talked about how to deal with him' bit was the dinner she mentioned in the OP after which they got the phone call, and up until that point she thinks they should have assumed they were bringing the baby. I obviously might be reading that wrong.

If they did initially say, explicitly, of course we'll make an exception for the baby, and then changed their mind, then they're being very unreasonable. Even without that, I think babe-in-arms exceptions make a lot of sense. But I don't think any of it is worth no longer being the best man, and I still think the most obvious explanation is crossed wires.

onedev · 16/01/2013 19:49

I think the friendship is doomed now anyway, so better to cut your losses (unless the groom realises the error of their ways & apologises to your DH soon & baby is allowed!).

YANBU

dreamingbohemian · 16/01/2013 19:50

Yes, I think previous experience can influence people's decisions a lot.

I have been to at least two weddings where babies screamed through the vows. I really do wish I was the type who wouldn't be bothered by that, but it was so not what I wanted.

I'm not arguing that big family weddings aren't great -- they're great fun. It just wasn't for me and I don't regret it at all, our wedding day turned out great and everyone had a blast.

Stokes · 16/01/2013 20:26

I'm guessing the invitation just had your and your DH's names on it, in which case YWBVU not to realise the baby wasn't invited. If the invitation just had your two names, then they were very clear about the wedding being childfree.

They ABVU not to make an exception for a breastfed newborn.

The mother is friggin ridiculous.

Oh, and IMO, a couple of well behaved children playing nicely are a great addition to a wedding. 40 kids running round screaming, high on sugar not so much. Sometimes childfree is the best option given a couple's circumstances.

Stokes · 16/01/2013 20:28

Oh, and I think your husband should be best man. Or at least the decision should be solely up to him since it would end what is presumably a very important friendship. It's not your call.

Zavi · 16/01/2013 20:35

As it's their big day perhaps they want your attention on them that day.

Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?

Alternatively your DH could go alone as he's the BM, or take a friend with him on your "ticket".

SoldeInvierno · 16/01/2013 20:49

Zavi, have you ever breastfed? maybe you have, but not everyone finds the expressing bit so easy (or leaving a baby behind). I went to a wedding when DS was 17 days old (left him with my parents) and even though I expressed before I left the house, by the time the church ceremony finished, I was leaking and had to go back home.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 16/01/2013 20:49

Yeah, because a new mum separated from her EBF infant has loads of attention to pour on the bride and groom. Ffs.
I totally agree with expat.

And if he does ring his knobber mate, please tell us what he says about the mil's phonecall, I'm dying to know!

expatinscotland · 16/01/2013 20:49

Please read the thread, Zavi. No one owns a day, either, and why be friends with someone who's so immature and dramatic they need all the 'attention' over a newborn baby?

SauvignonBlanche · 16/01/2013 20:52

Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?
Words fail me, how can people be so ignorant? Hmm

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2013 20:56

I wouldn't be friends with someone so arseholey as to demand my full attention be on them because it's their special day.

What a load of shit.

LineRunner · 16/01/2013 20:57

Maybe the baby could sort itself out and pop down to McDonald's.