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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cancel going to this wedding

325 replies

nennypops · 15/01/2013 21:16

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 16/01/2013 20:58

Some people are just pig thick ignorant unfortunately Sauvignon.

ineedanewmiddlename · 16/01/2013 21:11

We didn't have children at our wedding, but if any of our friends had a tiny baby, then the baby would have been welcome.

YANBU

RafflesWay · 16/01/2013 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 16/01/2013 21:22

Raffles. I like you.

Loie159 · 16/01/2013 21:31

Come lare to this, but tried to read most of thread.... Personally not a fan of child free weddings. Think it is a bit precious..... Friends and family if you want them there come in all shapes snd sizes, and some if those sizes are child shape.

Think it is very bad form for them to kick up a fuss at such s late stage . Even if they say its all ok now, it is going to make everyone feel awkward.. Don't go. As for your DH not going that will need to be his choice as they are more his friends. No matter how unreasonable they are being, retraction of a best man position and not going to wedding at all will signify the end if the friendship. Only he can decide if that is the path he wants to take.

PureQuintessence · 16/01/2013 21:33
PureQuintessence · 16/01/2013 21:37

"retraction of a best man position and not going to wedding at all will signify the end if the friendship. "

Uninviting the wife of the best man at such late stage could possibly also signify the end of the friendship.

moreyear · 16/01/2013 21:41

Gosh Zavi what a practical and heartwarming suggestion, sounds quite a lot of work though - surely the op just needs to get in a half pint in and ask the teenager next-door to pop over and point the fridge out to the baby?

RafflesWay · 16/01/2013 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RafflesWay · 16/01/2013 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loie159 · 16/01/2013 21:52

Pure Quintesse , absolutely it might. But DH may well be able to get beyond this snub Ashe may decide there were greater forces at play ( MIL / bridezilla). However if OP DH retracts best man position snd does not attend them sm guessing MIL and bridezilla will never let his friend forget that, and friendship will in most certainty be over.

Pancakeflipper · 16/01/2013 22:00

Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?

Because babies are shit at opening freezer doors.

Zavi · 16/01/2013 22:08

I've only been to one child-free wedding. I was a bit miffed at first that kids were banned but it turned out to be the BEST wedding ever and it's completely changed my mind about child-free weddings!

So refreshing not having to run round after my own DC, making sure that they weren't annoying anyone or hurting themselves or anyone else.

It also meant I got to meet other adults without the interruptions that having kids with you inevitably entails. Don't you hate it when you're talking to a mum or dad and either you or they have to keep breaking off a conversation to attend to your own or their child's interruptions?

It also meant that I or they didn't, out of politeness, need to say hello / take an interest in respective children.

Invariably some people's children are better behaved than others...need I say more?

Invariably some BF mothers are more discrete about BF than others...need I say more?

It sounds as if this couple want an adult event and I think they are perfectly entitled to it. It's their big day and they want to arrange it in their own way. Who doesn't what to do that when they're getting married?

OP is taking it too personally the fact that they don't want her baby there. They don't want anyone's babies or children there!

Also, as baby is being BF she's got to accept that there will be events that she's going to have to miss out on if she cant express milk. That's part and parcel of BF isn't it?

NamingOfParts · 16/01/2013 22:14

I think that reports that the Groom's and DH's friendship will be automatically ended by OP's DH dropping out of BM duties are wildly exaggerated.

Assuming that groom and DH are both reasonable people then I would have thought that a phone call from DH explaining that leaving the baby behind is not an option would be well received. My reading of the OP is that the groom is embarrassed. OP's DH would quite possibly be doing him a favour by dropping out!

DoItToJulia · 16/01/2013 22:14

Oh Zavi, I fear this will not go down well for you.

Pancakeflipper · 16/01/2013 22:15

And that's fine Zavi but the weddingzilla's have moved the goalposts just weeks before the wedding. They had already made arrangements for their older child and it had all been ok about taking baby.

Then change their minds. That's left the Bestman and family a bit gobsmacked.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 16/01/2013 22:19

Nowhere does the OP say the baby was invited (happy to be corrected OP)! She just says she was pregnant when the invite was made. It sounds to me like she assumed she would be able to take baby and B&G assumed they wouldn't be bringing baby.

A few weeks before the wedding they find out the others misconception.

It really doesn't read to me like a change of heart by B&G - just a misunderstanding.

NorthernLurker · 16/01/2013 22:20

I don't the OP is being unreasonable. I think withdrawing an invitation - because they knew the baby was coming ages ago - is really rude. I would suggest yes dh should withdraw and you can spend the money that attending would have cost you on something fun for yourselves. Alas I suspect the groom may get more than he's bargaining for. Neither bride nor mil have exactly shone over this have they?

thefirstmrsrochester · 16/01/2013 22:24

pancakeflipper Grin
Op, I've come late to the table, I have read all of the thread, I think you most definitely are not being unreasonable.
And what an utter arse the bride to be is if she is getting jealous of a tiny baby. God help your DH mate.
Cut and run I'd say.
Btw, my uncles wife did similar (about 20 yrs ago) and banned her husband to be's 5 week old baby from their wedding - cue both sides never speaking again and my lovely cousins from each side having grown up not knowing each other exist).
I appreciate the example I have given is slightly different with it being family, but I'm trying to say that no good comes out of self centred and prissy behaviour.

wherearemysocka · 16/01/2013 22:24

Normally I will defend people who want childfree weddings to the end for all the reasons Zavi stated. However in this particular situation I think the behaviour of the bride and groom (if they did indeed have much say) is appalling and very self centred.

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 22:42

newandsparkly you are talking utter bollocks. And obviously have no clue bout breastfeeding a newly born baby.

If you had actually read my posts properly, you'd have noticed that I had said I didn't realise it was an overnighter, so said that of course you might not be able to go, and that's fair enough.
There's no reason why the whole family has to pull out though just to prove a point, and the couple whose wedding it is would have every right to be pissed off if the dh pulled out at last minute in a strop.
As lovely as babies are, some people do need to realise that not everyone is attached to your baby as you are, and no, their whole life does not revolve around you and your family.
It's not all about you.

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 22:43

It really doesn't read to me like a change of heart by B&G - just a misunderstanding.

This ^^

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 16/01/2013 22:45

I had a childfree wedding. Children came to the ceremony but not to the meal, as it was on a tight budget and immediate family only anyway.

I have also taken DS1 to a childfree wedding while he was EBF. Away for the weekend and former SIL did the "cant you just express" whinge, cause her DS couldnt go. Even though she wasnt with BiL then anyway!! And was still at the "he doesnt get to have him overnight" stage of their breakup...

But, what would I do in your situation... and this of course only applies to them actually being horrible, not a misunderstanding!! Well, either DH would cancel, or he'd do it, and I'd go to the ceremony regardless maybe even let the baby cry and to the hotel room (already paid for?) while DH was at the reception. And I'd make sure people knew I was uninvited for daring to have a baby. She doesnt want to be upstaged? Ha, bring it on bitch Wink

gimmecakeandcandy · 16/01/2013 22:45

It doesn't matter if it was just a day sparkling
A lot of bf mums would not want to give a bottle (even expressed) to a new baby or leave baby for a day so I stick by my accurate view that you are talking rubbish.

gimmecakeandcandy · 16/01/2013 22:47

Add message | Report | Message poster SauvignonBlanche Wed 16-Jan-13 20:52:48
Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?
Words fail me, how can people be so ignorant?

Yes - so many stupid ignorant people out there - you are right sauvignonBlanche