to want to cancel going to this wedding

[nennypops]

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

"I find it strange that so many people accept that it's not the best idea to take a baby to a posh restaurant or a play, but it's okay to demand to bring your baby to a formal wedding ceremony."

^This!

I tried to listen to the "just express" brigade and go to a very special event when my DD was about six weeks old.

It was pretty awful for my DH (who was doing care) as the poor thing cried, and cried, and wouldn't take the bottle - even though we had succeeded with it before.

It was agony for me as I became hopelessly engorged and had to keep leaving the event and hand expressing in the toilet. I also leaked milk horrendously into the front of my dress - luckily I also had a pashmina!

There is no way I would do it for any longer than six hours, and it would have to be at an event I really, really, really wanted to attend.

That said, I would be extremely reluctant to get between DH and a friend who had chosen him as Best Man. We would probably choose for him to go alone.

I loved saying my vows with a few squeals and squeaks from friends' babies and toddlers in the background. I knew that everyone we invited would be responsible enough to take them out if they got more noisy than that. To me it is all a sort of fertility rite anyway so it would be weird not to have kids there. But each to their own.

At a friends' wedding DD1 was 3 months old, was very good indeed but shouted "Yaaaaaaarrrr" after the priest said "Does anyone have any objections to this couple being joined in matrimony?"

We had babies/kids/whoever at our wedding - and at the key "Does anyone know of any reason why these 2 should not be married" the baby made a yelp...... broke the ice - everyone laughed etc..... the registrar asked again and there was thunder and a lightning flash!! - we did start to wonder... but that was 20 happy years ago.....

I would just tell hubby to go, I would not make a big fuss and risk spoiling someone's day when it is easily solved.

I went to a good friend's no children wedding when DD2 was 8 weeks old. It was all in one place and we stayed there and brought my mum, so I could pop upstairs to feed and she could go to bed at the normal time. Worked out fine. My friend was very apologetic about it and kept phoning me before the day to check it was ok, really wasn't a problem. Don't think I could have gone if it wasn't all in the place we were staying though. And I did miss the hen do :(

FFS. I don't have DC and even I know you cannot leave a BF newborn overnight. Not to mention the pain OP would be in from engorgement. How do people not know this?

I think you should get your DH to speak to the groom and see if he knew the MIL was calling you. If he expresses anything less than horror and embarrassment at her having called you, none of you should go.

The way I see it, a BF baby is basically part of you until it is no longer totally dependent on you for feeding. So by excluding the baby they are basically saying that you are not welcome. And then it is up to your DH to decide if he wants to go to a wedding where you are not welcome.

So by excluding the baby they are basically saying that you are not welcome.

No, they're not, that's just the way you choose to see it. Both are welcome, just not children.
Babies do count as children. If you can't or won't leave your baby overnight, then that's up to you.
Doesn't mean everyone has to invite children everywhere just because you won't leave them.
DH not going is just being petty when he has a big part in the ceremony and there's no reason he can't go, unless it's actually him who's doing the breastfeeding.

I missed quite a few weddings when I was bf. If they've decided not to have children at the wedding and you can't leave your child then you can't go to the wedding. It's not that complicated.

I think the MIL probably made the call without the B and G knowing because it has turned into a topic of conversation during the wedding planning. As someone else said, if there is a no children rule then people will be unhappy that your child is there as an exception.

I think the OP just has to accept that there's been a breakdown in communication. The baby was never invited hence, if she's breastfeeding, then she's not really invited. Smooth it over, and let dh go happily to fulfil his best man duties.

Also if it's a church wedding, as a Christian, this would really fuck me off. If you choose to marry in church it's because you want your marriage to be blessed by God and witnessed by the family of the church - which includes children.

Before I had children I didn't really get that a baby couldn't just be left with a babysitter. If baby is not invited then he or she is not invited so you either don't go to wedding or baby is left with someone (DM in hotel room with bottle of expressed milk whilst you nip to ceremony and then come back?).

I'd have been horrified by phonecall from bride's mum so I can see why you feel upset about that but it would probably be a bit OTT for DH to pull out. Your invitation wasn't withdrawn but they are making clear that they are not comfortable with baby being there. Good luck with what you decide to do!

I think FairPhyllis has a good plan. It is up to your DH if he wants to go but as they have done this so last minute to you I can see why he wouldn't want to.

I just think it's a bit selfish to expect people planning their wedding, a once in a lifetime event (hopefully!) to have to take your personal preferences into account.

It's not automatic that anyone with a small baby would have this issue. Some people don't BF, some people can express and leave baby with a sitter, and then yes, some people cannot leave their baby. None of these decisions has anything to do with the couple getting married. All they are saying is 'sorry, no babies', it is not anything personal to you. There may be other people with babies who have no problem with this.

I cannot even count how many things I missed because I could not bring a baby. I think it's just par for the course sometimes. Is it really worth ruining a friendship over it?

Dreaming -it is very personal to you if you have a newborn.

If someone treated me and my newborn this way then dh would be upset, even if he still went along. It would affect the friendship.

It's a fucked up society that expects breastfeeding mothers to leave their newborns for a whole day at a time.

Tbh I think this all hinges on how old the baby is, and how far away the wedding is.

YANBU

Friends of ours got married when DD2 was 6 weeks old. Our DD1 was 2 and not invited and we had no issue with that at all. I didn't bf and I still would not have left such a tiny baby with a babysitter, even my mum who had dd1.

Tiny babies are no problem. They don't cost anything or take up any space!

Flowery -- I honestly think people will respond differently, sorry.

I had a newborn. I honestly did not get offended when I couldn't go to things because people didn't want children there. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world. I don't think my attendance at an event trumps the preferences of the people holding the event.

I come from a country where women generally only take 4-6 weeks off after birth so it's very common for breastfeeding mothers to have to leave their babies all day. Maybe it's fucked up, but it's reality for millions of women. Some BF mothers can indeed leave their babies for a time. I would not expect anyone else to have to understand and respect all the ins and outs of however I choose to feed my baby, it's really not their problem.

I would not go but I would want DH to carry out the BMan duties ( the leave early into the night do). Cos its so near to the event and he'll have been appointed by the Groom and not the interfering MIL and bridezilla.

Groom is being pathetic in not speaking out cos ' I bet the Groom would be happy for you to be there and in fact would be happy for the local nusery and zoo animals to attend. But he's been taken over by weddingzillas and I reckon would be gutted to not have your DH there.

Sorry just to clarify -- I think society in general should be supportive of breastfeeding, obviously. But I don't think people holding a once in a lifetime, extremely personal event are unreasonable if they don't take the intricacies of breastfeeding into account.

YANBU to stay away, but your DH is.

This doesn't have to be taken as a massive insult does it? Is he really going to break up a close friendship over. what is essentially, a misunderstanding?

Not sure if anyone suggested this already, but could you go to the ceremony anyway, just not as a guest? Wearing casual / jeans etc and sneaking in at the back lets it be known that you're not really invited. Then you could be there for your dh and see him doing some of his thing... You could go back to the hotel whilst he did his speeches and he could join you when he's had enough of the reception?

This is the meanest option of all IMHO because you come out of it claiming the moral high ground whilst simultaneously shaming the hosts. Believe me, if they stay married long enough to have children of their own they will be mortified.

I loved having babies and kids at my wedding, but hey,to each his own.

I think it is all coming down to the same problem as ever - weddings now have to be these huge, flash, mega money affairs. The whole thing is so OTT most of the time these days that the idea of it being a day where family and friends come together and celebrate the union of two families is just lost. Now it is just all about the "it's my big day" stuff. Generally brings out the worst in everyone involved.

Hulababy- my feelings exactly.

It's not necessarily a money thing. I had a very cheap wedding (registry and pub drinks) and was happy for it to be child-free, although as no one we knew had children it was not an actual issue.

We didn't have children, weren't sure we even could or would want to, and none of our social circle had kids yet.

I don't think either side is right or wrong, I just think child-free is a legitimate preference and not something to take personally.

You are being very reasonable but Weddings are very stressful and this couple may have been to one where a baby was crying etc in the background.I would be kind and say you understand and not go or get someone to look after your baby but encourage your DH to be BM.I got wound up about small children being at my Wedding and I asked them to keep them away (because a friend said her Wedding was ruined by a small child in the background).I really regret it now and feel I was very mean.However I am still Best of Friends with the parents,which makes me feel more awful.If I could turn the clock back I would invite small children and babies.

NamingOfParts I could have written your post,but you put it better than me!