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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cancel going to this wedding

325 replies

nennypops · 15/01/2013 21:16

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 16/01/2013 07:59

It's not petty at all for the DH to back out of being best man. If the groom was that bothered, he would have insisted that his friend be allowed to bring his baby. He had the situation explained to him, he can't expect to have his friend do a nice thing for him when he's making it so difficult.

NeedlesCuties · 16/01/2013 08:05

IMhumbleO, your DH should go alone, but tell them afterwards, or maybe before just how very prickish they're being.

I agree that some people just let wedding planning run away with all their wit and sense, and that in a year or so they'll wake up and be embarrassed at themselves.

13Iggis · 16/01/2013 08:11

I would get the 'wait till they have a baby' line except they have persuaded the mother (who must've had a baby!) that the baby shouldn't come either!
I had a child-free wedding, but made a point of telling one couple who were expecting theirs a few weeks before the wedding that this did not, of course, include their newborn (breastfed or not).

Bananapickle · 16/01/2013 08:13

It is a tough one but I think to say they don't understand because they dont have children is such a poor excuse.
I got married I my early twenties and we didn't have children, we had a no children rule for the reception except if you a babe in arms.
Babies really aren't an issue at a wedding. I think your friends have just got a little tunnel sighted.
Having said all that it maybe that you do just have to let your DH go, you could still put your other DC with the already planned babysitter so you're not left dealing with both children on your own.
Sometimes it's best to let some things go...

JusticeCrab · 16/01/2013 08:16

YANBU. Newborns don't make a great deal of noise. If they'd already sent out invitations when they raised the issue with you, then it's especially U as they should have stipulated 'no kids' on the invitation.

Grapesoda · 16/01/2013 08:21

YANBU. We had a child free wedding (cost and seating related) but made sure those ppl who couldn't arrange child care were welcomed with their dc.
We can all get a bit hysterical when it comes to our big day, so I'm sure it's not worth falling out over longer term. Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Casserole · 16/01/2013 08:48

YADNBU. We had a child free wedding, but one of my friends had a 3 week old who OF COURSE we made sure she knew she could bring, and made a room in the hotel available for her to use if she wanted to have a break, or not feed in front of great uncle Cyril, or whatever.

How old is your baby? And if you pull out now will you lose money on the hotel?

carabos · 16/01/2013 08:51

Has it occurred to you that the objections to the baby are a red herring? It may be that the bridezilla really objects to the choice of best man and thought that if she makes an issue about the baby then he will have to pull out. This will have the desired effect of taking him out of the best man role and probably the secondary desired effect of spoiling the friendship with her STBDH.

It may be that your well-thought-out strategy for managing the demands of your newborn has scuppered her cunning plan, which is why she has resorted to getting her DM to phone you. Quite possibly the STBDH knows nothing about the MiL call.

StuntGirl · 16/01/2013 09:48

The couple might not also ever have children either - through choice or not. So they might not ever 'get' how unaccommodating they're being.

It's up to your husband really. It's nice of him to be so considerate of your feelings. This could be the end of the friendship if he pulls out though; would he be ok with that happening?

CailinDana · 16/01/2013 09:54

I wouldn't go simply because of the stupid phonecall from the mother. Any friends who would let their mother call a friend to harass them are not worth it IMO. And embarrassingly idiotic.

dreamingofsun · 16/01/2013 10:30

how far away is the wedding? if its local to where you live then surely he could do minimum best man duties and you could stay at home. its not ideal - but as people say its their wedding.

if its further away then thats more of an issue - though guess he could still just travel for the day.

everlong · 16/01/2013 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 16/01/2013 10:52

I don't understand the people saying op's DH should go alone. If my DH was uninvited to (from?) an event I wouldn't go. What do you do with a breastfed newborn?
I would be pleased with myself if I managed to say no politely!

Yfronts · 16/01/2013 10:56

Email your friend. Outline (in great detail) what MIL said and explain that you were quite shocked and can they confirm that they are withdrawing wife's invite? Explain if this is the case you need to rethink the logistics of best man as firstly you need to think about whats practical for your family.

DuchessFanny · 16/01/2013 11:20

I had my 3rd DS for a Wedding where the B & G did all they could to make it easy for me, luckily he slept like a baby Grin through their service and at the reception i was shown to a private room that would be mine for bf and naps, they were so kind and it was lovely to be so looked after as a knackered mum ! I was made to feel very welcome and being a nb, he mainly slept .... oh and he did get a bit of attention being so little, but not as much as the beautiful bride !!

As an aside my SIL fell out with one of her bridesmaids before the Wedding who then decided she wouldn't come, her husband didn't either ( he was to be best man) and they've never recovered ...

Grapesoda · 16/01/2013 11:44

Does your DH want to go?
If he does I would be tempted to let him get on with it. It might give you a bit of peace at home. Grin
Your dh's friends are being unreasonable IMO.
They're having a massive brideszilla episode. If they are fortunate enough to have their own dc one day I promise the bride will look back on this and experience an enormous cringe!

scaredbutexcited · 16/01/2013 11:57

YANBU

However, I would probably consider:

  • Do they even know about the call from the MIL? May not have been their fault?
  • How would you feel if just your DH went? May be the end of a friendship if he pulls out of being the best man and are you that bothered about going anyway? In any case, he has already demonstrated how loyal he is to you so that doesn't sound like an issue
  • Perhaps you could just go to the reception (if you want to)? That way you are still involved but MIL/Bridezilla still happy!

They are being awful though. I would just rise above it if you can. Seems like their issues rather than yours and DH sounds very supportive which is great.

wriggletto · 16/01/2013 12:01

Unless they have form for being unreasonable and this is only one in a series of things you've been irritated by, I would just put it down to wedding irrationality/interfering MOB/lack of understanding about BF babies and not let it blow up into something bigger, for the sake of one day. Stay at home with the baby, while your DH does his best man duties, then if he wants to leave early, he can.

diddl · 16/01/2013 12:11

If they don´t want children/babies there, then that´s up to them imo.

However, they should have said straightaway, so that OPs husband could decide on that basis whether or not to be best man.

If he was just going for a few hrs/best part of a day I would say OK, go.

But 2 days & one night?

He might not want to be away from his family for so long.

He might prefer to spend the w/end with his wife, toddler & newborn!

YouOldSlag · 16/01/2013 12:25

YANBU. You're already compromising by making arrangements for your older son. They are within their rights to have a child free wedding but a church wedding is a public event, and you can take whoever you want.

Secondly, they are not even trying to accommodate you.

I second the poster who said they may not know about the MIL phone call, so do mention it.

Your DH sounds great OP, but the B and G are asking him to spend the weekend away from his DS1, wife, and newborn, just because madame Bridezilla wants all eyes on her, which they will be anyway.

Brides and grooms forget that they may require or desire the goodwill and friendship of their guests AFTER their wedding. Instead, they bulldoze over everyone's needs like lunatics. It may be their day, but a little compromise can go a long way in future friendships.

cathpip · 16/01/2013 12:28

I had a child free wedding, but my sister did attend with her 4 week old baby who was also 6 weeks prem. We both worked it so that the baby sitter had the baby elsewhere in the hotel (like room or in grounds for fresh air) and my sister could nip out and feed when needed and baby made appearances like when we were having photos done. This did not distract guests from us, even though it was a first grandchild for my parents and none of the extended family, such as great granny had met her and it worked perfectly. Your friend is being very unreasonable esp seeing as you have come up with very good solutions and she knew how old baby would be anyway.

Ashoething · 16/01/2013 12:30

YABU to not just tell dh to go on his own. Or are you one of "those" couples who refuse to socialise without each other

Personally I cannot imagine anything worse than dcs at weddings. My friend is getting married this year and is insisting I bring my dcs. I intend to let them stay for a couple of hours until they are tired and then send them home with dh. Luckily another friend has the same plan and we have booked a room so can enjoy our night.Cant wait!

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 12:38

YABU to not just tell dh to go on his own. Or are you one of "those" couples who refuse to socialise without each other
Personally I cannot imagine anything worse than dcs at weddings. My friend is getting married this year and is insisting I bring my dcs. I intend to let them stay for a couple of hours until they are tired and then send them home with dh. Luckily another friend has the same plan and we have booked a room so can enjoy our night.Cant wait!

Thank heavens for that, someone sane on this thread at last! Just read through the whole 5 pages and am a bit Confused at the amount of 'lovely' ahem people on this thread who are condoning leaving the friend in the lurch for a best man a couple of weeks before the wedding just because their precious baby isn't invited.
It's ONE day. ONE ceremony. Not a week of having to leave your little bundle at home.
Not everyone wants children at weddings, and that is entirely up to them. (I have two children by the way, and no, I'm not one who insists they must go everywhere with me, all the time, or I'll take the huff.)
So what if they're breastfed? Express for one day. It won't kill them to be away for a few hours.

atacareercrossroads · 16/01/2013 12:39

YANBU not to go, just wave your DH off with a smile and get on with your day

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 12:40

Sorry, forgot to add if you don't want to go then fair enough, that's up to you - but there's no reason why your dh can't go.

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