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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cancel going to this wedding

325 replies

nennypops · 15/01/2013 21:16

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

OP posts:
foslady · 15/01/2013 22:13

YANBU - send dh on his own, telling them that unfortunately you can't leave your boobs at home (and expressing 2 hours milk was a nightmare for me - 2 days would have taken months!) so can no longer make it.

And as others have said, sit back and wait for behaviour when pfb arrives......

persimmon · 15/01/2013 22:17

I don't get child-free weddings at all. How precious can you be? It's just rude.

EuroShagmore · 15/01/2013 22:20

I very much doubt that the MoB's attitude has anything to do with how many sprogs she popped out. Only child prejudice really fucks me off. I am one and was never a spoilt brat (not my parents' choice - my mum miscarried 4 children after me). Due to fertility issues if we are lucky enough to have a child it will probably be just the one. Most prejudices are now frowned upon. Ginger and only child prejudice are the only ones that still seem to be accepted.

As for the wedding, just let your husband go on his own and don't make an issue of it.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 15/01/2013 22:20

YANBU. The comment by the bride's mother to the effect that it is her daughter's day and she would not want any attention taken away from her is revolting, pathetic, self absorbed and childish.

Your DH is being very supportive and loving by saying that he is no longer going.

Kafri · 15/01/2013 22:25

Just like to point out that as the wedding is taking place in a church, ANYBODY is entitle to show up to watch it - invited or not. So what would the brides mother do if a family from the regular congregation were to rock up to watch the shindig.
While the reception is invitation only, a church wedding service is open to anybody who chooses. I'd turn up with the baby just cos I could!

iwantanafternoonnap · 15/01/2013 22:26

My DS is an only and he is ginger...he's screwed Grin

ProphetOfDoom · 15/01/2013 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKissIsNotAContract · 15/01/2013 22:30

YANBU. How is your baby going to upstage the bride? Were you planning on putting him in a big white dress and a veil?

IceNoSlice · 15/01/2013 22:31

YANBU as i said above.

However, there are some circumstances where I think it's fine to specify a child free wedding. A very good friend is a nursery teacher and wanted an adult focussed day (for a change!) plus she had a very small budget and loads of her friends have young kids so she would have really struggled to invite everyone she wanted there. So she said no kids except those not yet walking. Not strictly relevant to your situation, just saying the 'no kids' rule can be justifiable.

Battlefront · 15/01/2013 22:31

What was the mother's response when DH told her he would assume your invitation had been withdrawn? Has he heard from/spoken to the groom since?

Presumably your DH and groom are good friends, so DH could call him and have a "OMG you never guess what your future MIL's done" conversation. See what he thinks should happen e.g. does he want a quiet life and happy for your DH to bow out, or will he fight to have DH as best man? (or maybe he doesn't want DS2 there either?)

Personally, just for fun, I'd be tempted to tell them that you aren't now able to attend the reception, but you would like to see DH's good friend get married, so your whole family (including SN DS1) will be attending the public wedding ceremony Grin

sweetestB · 15/01/2013 22:36

OP if I were you I would just ignore them and go anyway. You know your baby, if you think he/she will be quiet in the church than take the risk otherwise show up for the reception. What are they going to do? They won't kick you out and they will be so busy they probably won't notice anyway.

EugenesAxe · 15/01/2013 22:37

Haven't read all but for me YANBU. I want to nut people like that mother-of-the-bride... 'it's all about her daughter'. As if you need telling.

Honestly, their wedding is going to bite them in the fucking arse if she has that attitude.

Just to say though, it sounds to me like MOTBzilla is behind their request and I expect if she wasn't around they would have been more amenable/understanding.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/01/2013 22:40

iwanta & Euro I'm an only child with an only DD - clearly an ageing spoilt brat and destined to become a mother-of-the-bridezilla Hmm.

Anyhoo, back to the OP - they have been pretty unreasonable in moving the goalposts this late in the day, but by all cancelling going and your DH pulling out of being best man you are only stooping to the same level.

Agree with what someone said about your DH speaking to the BG 1-2-1 about the situation, if not then personally I would just send him off on his own for the day and stay at home, particularly if it's more DH's friend rather that your friends as a couple iykwim.

titchy · 15/01/2013 22:41

Sit at the back with your leaky boobs hanging out - no baby just boobs -that'll show 'em Grin

DoodlesNoodles · 15/01/2013 22:45

Another YANBU from me.

It is hard to say what I would do without knowing how far away the wedding is, how good mates the groom is, etc, etc but my first thought would be for neither of you to go. Perhaps your DH could speak directly with the groom.

Hippee · 15/01/2013 22:46

Where's the wedding - can we all turn up at the church with our children? Mine would all behave horrendously and definitely take attention away from the bride.

katiecubs · 15/01/2013 22:46

They are totally fucking ridiculous!

I don 't like or understand child free weddings anyway but to try and ban a breast fed newborn is madness.

SpicyPear · 15/01/2013 22:57

YANBU, and that is from someone who generally thinks it's fine for a childless, or indeed any, couple to have a grown-up focused child free wedding. The MIL sounds like the mobzilla from hell. You sound like you have been willing to bend over backwards to minimise any baby related disruption and they have left it far too late to bring it up. I'm childless but would realise it is an impossible situation for you but maybe that's just because I spend too much time hanging around here

ZenNudist · 15/01/2013 22:59

Do you want to go? Can dh go on his own for one night?

It's hard to say without more info but I think it would be good comeuppance for them if your dh bowed out as BM at last minute [mean emoticon]

SpicyPear · 15/01/2013 23:00

Ooh ooh and what battlefront said. Please pull out and all turn up at the ceremony!

JimmysMum1988 · 15/01/2013 23:04

Bridezilla!!!!

LineRunner · 15/01/2013 23:07

Just be a small wedding flash mob at the church.

CloudsAndTrees · 15/01/2013 23:12

Your DH sounds lovely for not wanting to go without you.

He needs to have a chat with his fiend and sy that he's really sorry he won't be able to support him on his wedding day, but his family is his priority and he needs to tell him about the phonecall from future mil.

I wouldn't feel too bad for the bride and groom though, they will have given crazy mother-of-the-bride-zilla your phone number. She didn't pluck it out of thin air.

DHs friend knew the position your DH was in and didn't insist that his closest friend be allowed to bring his wife and baby to the wedding, and if your DH was important enough to him, he should have done. He didn't, so he has to face the consequences of having his best man drop out.

HoratiaWinwood · 15/01/2013 23:17

I'm surprised by this thread. I was totally with you up to the point where your DH is about to resign as Best Man...

Um, whut? I don't get this "if we are not all invited, none of us will go" thing. Since DCs DH has gone to several weddings on his own, or stayed for the reception while I've taken the DCs away again - including one where he was the best man.

They may not get it but it is their wedding and they do get to choose.

ExitPursuedByABear · 15/01/2013 23:18

Not read all the responses as it is late, but....

At the wedding of DH's niece last year, the grooms neice was a bridesmaid of sorts (she was about 2 I think). Brides father kept wittering on about her, saying that it was his DD's day and that small girl should not be taking any attention away from her, and that people would be fussing over her as she was at a 'difficult' age and might 'play' up. My DD was also a bridesmaid and was put in charge of small girl, who actually was fine on the day and went home early to bed with paternal grandparents.

Fast forward 10 months and the 'bride' pissed off to Australia leaving her husband of less than a year behind.

So, twas all for nothing, all that expense, all those hats and presents, all that big country house, and all that fucking fuss.

YANBU

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