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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cancel going to this wedding

325 replies

nennypops · 15/01/2013 21:16

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 16/01/2013 12:49

Some thick people on this thread Hmm

atacareercrossroads · 16/01/2013 12:54

is the wedding local? Could somenoe get DS to you if he needs a feed, or you nip off nearly?

your DS would be absolutely fine without you for the day btw if you did want to go, but if you are looking for the perfect excuse to get out of it (not meant funny btw, I usually look for reasons not to go anywhere Grin) then shove your DH out the house, and get on the sofa with a box set of your fave TV series and just enjoy chilling with your DS.

Tbh I dont think it would be very best-manly of your DH to drop his mate in it at this stage for a bit of a crap reason, and I know if it were my DP being dropped by his best man then he would in turn be dropped as a supposed mate.

Lexiesinclair · 16/01/2013 13:04

So what if they're breastfed? Express for one day. It won't kill them to be away for a few hours.

Lexiesinclair · 16/01/2013 13:04

^^

Seriously???

Lexiesinclair · 16/01/2013 13:07

ENorma - as pigshit.

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 13:10

So, people with different opinions are as thick as pigshit. Mumsnet at it's best - if you don't agree, just come back with insults. Hmm

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 13:11

If you seriosuly don't want to be away, then fair enough, that's up to you. Why can't your dh go, though? Or as someone else pointed out, do you always have to be together all the time?

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2013 13:14

It's not as easy as ''just express'' for some people, and why would you want to add the complication of having to get baby used to a bottle for just one day?

Toddlers I can understand people not wanting at a wedding, to a degree, though personally I think children make a wedding. There is no logical objection to a newborn though. They tend to sleep or be on the boob.

choceyes · 16/01/2013 13:20

So what if they're breastfed? Express for one day. It won't kill them to be away for a few hours.

It's not for a few hours though is it? It's an overnighter. My DD never accepted a bottle, not all babies do. Expressing is such a faff anyway. Besides a small baby wants to be with their mother.
OP - you sound like you have made all suitable provisions to make sure that your baby won't distrupt the wedding so YANBU to not go.
In your shoes, I'd just send your DH on his own.
Can't believe the MIL called Shock

diddl · 16/01/2013 13:21

Well for me the whole point of bfeeding was that I could do it easily & on demand.

And not to be titting about with bottles.

Lexiesinclair · 16/01/2013 13:23

Perhaps the OP could take her breast pump to church instead. Maybe that would be more acceptable than a baby, definitely less likely to upstage the bride.

JustFabulous · 16/01/2013 13:23

YANBU at all.

The bride's mother ringing is ridiculous.

I would say no more and just not go and your DH will have to decide if he wants to stay friends with these people or not. If he does, then be best man. If not, don't.

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 13:25

It's not for a few hours though is it? It's an overnighter.

Sorry, I must have missed the bit where it said it was an overnighter. Fair enough, you can't go then if you're breastfeeding. I still don't know why the entire family says they're not going (ie, dh as well who's the best man) can't go.
Pretty mean that he'd leave him in the lurch for a best man a couple of weeks away from his wedding just to prove a point.
Some people don't want children at their wedding, and that's entirely up to them.

choceyes · 16/01/2013 13:26

The breastpump is likely to make more sound that a newborn Grin ( i have had non crying babies though and the double electric pump I used for DS as he was a boob refuser made a racket)

NamingOfParts · 16/01/2013 13:26

While in a practical sense I can see that OP's DH can go but I do think that is missing the point that the OP and her family were invited together. Now the B&G are regretting this and are trying to put hurdles in the way.

Being best man is not really a big job and in this day and age not remotely essential. It is a way of acknowledging a friendship. As things stand it looks like the big day is more important than the friendship.

From the OP's description the groom is embarassed by the whole thing but that is his lookout. I dont think that the friendship will be shattered by the OP & her DH not going. I would guess that this friendship has been less important for the OP's DH for a while.

choceyes · 16/01/2013 13:27

I wouldn't let DH pull out of being a bestman though. That's not nice.

curryeater · 16/01/2013 13:28

Do you know that the wedding couple knew the bride's mother was going to call you? They might be furious about it. If the bride's mother did invitations as traditional, she will have access to your contact details and might have just taken the matter into her own hands. I think you need to be very direct with the groom, in person, and say "we can't come without the baby, I'm sure you realise that but please say now what you want us to do"

(If you would be happy for dh to go without you then fine, but if you don't want him to bugger off for a weekend while you have a tiny baby that's reasonable too)

lunar1 · 16/01/2013 13:32

My dh would pull out in this case. He works long hours and often has to go away for work. We hardly see him as it is, he wouldn't go away overnight just because someone wanted to behave like a 6 year old for their wedding.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 16/01/2013 13:32

The op hasn't confirmed what the invite said. Perhaps op assumed baby was invited. Perhaps when they mentioned te baby coming at the dinner it put the couple on the spot and on further reflection they felt they didn't eat the baby there.

Whilst we may know that newborns (when does a baby stop being a newborn?) can be quietened easily , people without kids often don't. I know all my child less friends lump all kids into the same bracket!

I think this sounds like a huge misunderstanding that has been handled badly. However, I'd the dh is truly this mans best friend I think you need to be the bigger person and leave your dh to go on his own.

Blu · 16/01/2013 13:32

All sympathy and agreement for the logistics of bf.

My guess is the groom discussed it with your DH, didn't pass on all the info to his bride re the implications of bringing baby to church, then when they came over, she got to think about it, and it is she who has objected.

In any event, why start speculating that being an only child has anything to do with it? Why is being an only child so often invoked as being the source of some unpleasant intervention? Maybe it's because she's a bossy eldest child or a spoilt baby of the family or an only dd amongst brothers, or maybe NONE of these factors are relevant at all - and if they were how would you know?

Blu · 16/01/2013 13:33

Also - even though I have lost all interest in your situation - bear in mind that no-one can actually prevent you attending a church service in a CoE church - all services, including weddings, are freely open to the cngregation, whatever bridezillas might think.

TheCraicDealer · 16/01/2013 13:36

They were never invited together as a family, though. OP and her DH assumed that the couple would ignore the "rule" for a babe in arms, the Bride and Groom assumed that they'd be getting a babysitter. Neither side was exactly transparent. As a non-parent myself I would have needed it pointed out to me why a breastfeeding mother might prefer to bring a v young baby, due to leakage. Pre-Mumsnet, I mean :D You can sort of see why they'd be taken aback at this suddenly being brought up at dinner and not feeling able to say, "actually, we'd prefer baby didn't come".

Allowing your mum to get involved is way out of line though. I would totally mention the MIL ringing, just to see what they say. Muhaha!

BiddyPop · 16/01/2013 13:38

We had a "no kids" rule at our wedding (pressure on numbers and very few kids anyway in wider family). But the only person who had a baby was coming from overseas (her direct family are in UK, wedding in Ireland but she was coming from Hong Kong) - we, of COURSE, said baby was welcome to come. She was quiet in her car seat when asleep (most of the time TBH) and a delight when awake, definitely didn't distract from me as Bride!

(We did also have an unexpected 12 year old as well, as the parents just assumed she'd been included on their invite but her name omitted (um, no actually), as "everyone knows we never do anything without darling X" - a chair was found for her in a scramble and added to the corner of a table. She isn't even that close a relative.)

NewAndSparklyMe · 16/01/2013 13:38

lunar1 he wouldn't go away overnight just because someone wanted to behave like a 6 year old for their wedding.

Why on earth is someone not wanting kids at the wedding behaving like a 6 year old?! Confused
It's THEIR day. It seems to me the ones who are acting more like 6 year olds are the ones throwing their toys out of the pram because they 'come as a family unit' and refuse to go anywhere without the whole lot in tow.
(Not aimed at the OP, as she can't go 'cos of overnight bf, and that's fair enough.) Those saying 'nobody can go if I can't go' is frankly ridiculous, and likely to break up a friendship by pulling out of being a best man at the last minute just to prove a point.

Bue · 16/01/2013 13:40

Childless people are not as stupid as Mumsnetters tend to believe. I am childless and got married last summer and bent over backwards to have a baby- and child-friendly wedding. So did most of my friends.

I agree the couple are being twattish, and the MIL especially so, but to pull out of being best man is really a dreadful thing to do. There is no reason the DH couldn't go on his own.

And do we even know how old the baby is or how far away the wedding is? All pertinent information that is missing...