to want to cancel going to this wedding

[nennypops]

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

[Snazzynewyear]

at wedding flash mob

I agree with CloudsandTrees above - get your DH to speak one-to-one with the groom to explain what an unhappy position this puts you in.

[LineRunner]

all that fucking fuss

which is how I feel about all weddings these days.

What ever happened to a service, song and a prayer, and cheese bap and beer down the Crown Posada?

[EverybodysSnowyEyed]

Im with you horatia

My dh has been best man once. I helped him write the speech and everything. But I wasn't invited because they had limited space and a no partners rule. I didn't mind not being invited although it was a shame not to see dh do his speech!

I've also missed 3 weddings due to bf babies. In all cases the bride just didn't understand what the fuss was about. People without kids often don't. All they remember is the wedding they went to where a baby screamed through the ceremony or a child sang the alphabet through the vows.

I think there has been a misunderstanding here and they had not expected your baby to come and this is why you have this last minute issue

[LineRunner]

I didn't realise that anyone could rock up to a civil wedding as well.

[Snazzynewyear]

The irony is yours is likely to be quieter if he is that young because you can just feed him and presto! silence. It would serve them right to have a chatty 5 year old there providing a constant narration throughout the ceremony

[kickassangel]

yeah - weddings have to be open to the public so that someone can burst in unexpectedly and yell 'I object'. It's the law.

I know that lots of money gets spent on weddings, and people want it to be all lovely and perfect, but when they start trying to break the law (due to ignorance, but still) then they really are getting ridiculous.

I don't mind child free weddings, although I have the kind of family where child free anything just isn't an option, so it never occurred to me, but I'm still surprised by how many weddings get planned where it's made that certain people (children, spouses/partners) 'aren't invited' to the wedding when anyone can legally attend. And what other all day events would you plan for friends and tell them to leave their wife and child behind, even though you're celebrating a family day?

[LineRunner]

Ah yes, the 'It Should Have Been Me!' moment ...

[pigletmania]

YANBU at all, that is unacceptable, saying that the baby can come and then not, making up a whole manner or ridiculous excuses. I personally would be happy for dh to go though, and me to stay behind with the baby

[Picturesinthefirelight]

"Marriages must be solemnised in premises with open doors which the registrar general interprets to mean that the public must have unfettered access to witness the marriage and make objections to prior to or during the ceremony"

[lechatnoir]

Rewind 15 years and I was this bride We had a child free wedding and I kept insisting to a good friend that yes this did include her newborn but thankfully she realised I was just being a twat clueless about babies & told me to stop being so fucking precious & she wasn't missing my big day so baby would come whether I liked it or not! As soon as I had children I did indeed cringe & we laugh about it now.
Don't lose a good friend (or let your DH) over something this couple clearly have no idea about newborn babies. Just send him on his own & enjoy your own newborn cuddles.

[parachutesarefab]

I'm with Horatia and Snowy. Bride and groom aren't being very understanding, but pulling out of being best man sounds petty.

(Mother of the bride is out of order.)

Was the invite to you and DH, or to you, DH and family? Sounds like they assumed you'd be getting a babysitter for DSs, you assumed you'd be taking DS2.

How old will DS2 be, and how far away (geographically) is the wedding?

[mam29]

We had 2wedding invites month dd2 was born.
a freind in same freindship group had similar due date she was expecting 1st.

selfish freinds 1party-west wales we southwest-no kids wanted money as gift knowing we were both due any moment or would have newborn.

Nice freinds local wedding

i took my 2week old slept most time in pram.
I breastfed outside main room dsicreetly went really smoothly.

took dd1 to wedding at 6months old and breastfed at back.

I find some much discrimination about feeding.

I would say none of you go I would be annoyed.

especially as you were paying for a room.

mil -weird and annoying

[BookieMonster]

YANBU to not go yourself. I'd ask your DH to be the better person and still be best man, though.

[EldritchCleavage]

You HAVE to go, so you can snub mother of the bride in spectacular fashion.

I think your Dh could still go, alone, and give a 6very6 interesting speech!

[IHeartKingThistle]

Oh they are going to be so embarrassed when they have a baby!

[DoodlesNoodles]

Good plan EldritchCleavage

If DH does go he must mention his darling wife and baby several times, he should also mention how much he misses them. Cue, sighing and looking sad. Also, he must make several inappropriate MIL jokes.

[blackeyedsusan]

if you have booked the room, surely you are entitled to be in the hotel anyway?

ho tempting it is to go to the ceromony with ds 1 and 2 as it is open to the public... and to enjoy loudly, the facilities of the hotel that you have booked a room in...

[LibraryMum8]

YABU, but I know where you care coming from. IMO I'd have him just go and do his "duties". If he cancels now, regardless of what they said, they all are going to hold it against him and their friendship will be shot.

Let him go by himself. Doesn't sound like you would have much fun anyway with him being at the Bridal Party Table (and all that crap, sorry, but I hate it when dh or I is in the stupid bridal party and we're away from our spouses for Christ's sake!)

[HerRoyalNotness]

We've just received today an invite to a friends wedding who thoughtfully and considerately invited our DSs too. They even have their own choice of menu!! These are the kind of people I like to have as friends. Sadly will not be able to go though.

The couple are BVU!

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

This happened to me and dh with his best friend. We were invited before we had dd1 and nowhere in the invitation did it mention no children. Dh was supposed to be an usher but after the awkward conversation of dh's friend telling him no children were allowed two weeks before the wedding dh decided if I can't go then he shouldn't either. The bride then sent him a barrage of text abuse (what a classy chick) and they haven't spoken to him since. Of course they blame me.

[holidaysarenice]

Have you considered that they might have refused others with children, maybe even older children who would run about and this keeps it fair?

Also if you bow out it needs to be now, not a week before, so he can arrange someone else!

It sounds like it was an issue, the guy rang ur dh still said we are bringing baby, and then it took someone else before your dh realised actually its not what the bride and groom want. And at the end of the day it is their day, just as you had yours I assume.

Personally I would send dh to the church, maybe the meal and leave. Then see how the friendship lies with your feelings later. Or get someone to keep baby for you both to go to the church and then leave. I'm assuming baby is more then 2-3 weeks old? What age is he?

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

Ah yes I forgot. YANBU

[emmyloo2]

YANBU in any way, shape or form.

They are being fucking ridiculous. This crap about it's her day and nothing should distract from that. What a load of bullshit.

I wouldn't go. However, your DH may want to go just to preserve the friendship. People are so precious about weddings, it's ridiculous.

and yes agree with a poster above that when they have a newborn they will realise what arseholes they are being.

[kickassangel]

2 days though. so not just her dh going out for a day, but overnight as well. with an older ds with sn, and a baby, that would be bloody knackering.

I also think that knowingly doing something which excludes someone based on their gender (ie breastfeeding mother) is called discrimination and illegal. the church is a public ceremony, politeness aside, they are breaking the law on a couple of different points by excluding a bf mother from their marriage. Which kind of makes me think that the people breaking the law are perhaps the ones being Unreasonable.

[ENormaSnob]

Obviously they have given a few weeks notice to get overnight childcare for a bf newborn.

So finding a new best man in the same timescale won't be a problem.

Have they said exactly why the newborn isn't invited? Because the reasons mil have given are farcical tbh. On that basis alone I doubt my own dh would go.