I could fucking kill him!

[waltermittymistletoe]

SD lives in a different country. She's 18 and wants to come visit with her new boyfriend.

DH started a new job before Christmas and as such has no holiday time to take.

SD emailed last week to say she wanted to come from Saturday to Thursday. DH would be here on the Saturday and Sunday and then in work until 7.30pm for the rest of her stay.

Not only that. I have the school run for two dc at different times. So I won't be around for parts of the day and she can't come with me as there is one spare seat and two of them.

Last week we talked about it and decided that DH would explain the situation and ask her to come from Friday to Sunday (we are paying for flights).

Lo and behold she texts today saying she's booked time off from the Saturday to Thursday because that fucking arsehole never bothered emailing her.

Wtf do I do now?! I have 3 dc under 6 and I don't know what I'm going to do with them alone all week! If it was just SD I wouldn't care. I've often had her when DH had to work.

If this were a one off, fair enough. But he never bothers to phone, text, Facebook her. It's always me. In almost 10 years I've organised all her presents even coordinating with her mum on split gifts even though her mum despises me because she thinks I've come between them!

This is down to DH's behaviour. Nothing to do with me. He's just a lazy bastard when it comes to SD!

I'm so angry. I'll have to fix this and don't know how!

[waltermittymistletoe]

Maybe I'll look into it tea. But if something happened to one of them because I'd shipped them off!!

Still, the alternative is that they're effectively ignored for the week save for a couple of hours in the evening. I'm sure that's not the impression she wanted to give bf.

To be frank, it breaks my heart that she keeps wanting a normal, proper dad and he continually treats her like an inconvenience then professes to love her.

If we ever split I will KILL him if he treats out DC with the same disdain. I'm fast losing respect for him.

[jchocchip]

And I meant to say, as a motive to kill your dh, it is a bit of an over reaction, hope you don't mind me saying ;)

[waltermittymistletoe]

Lol, no I don't mind you saying. :) it seems to be the general consensus!

[TwoFacedCows]

It is sad for her, but very sweet that you care so much.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Thanks Twofaced I shall now prepare for the inevitable backlash!!

[LtEveDallas]

OP I get exactly where you are coming from. DH is like this with DSD - I seem to spend half my time saying "Yes but YOU are the adult here" when he says he's not going to phone her until she phones him and "but money IS the most important thing when you are a teen" when he moans that she treats him like a bank.

I'm the one that sets up all the visits, buys the railcard, orders the train tickets and so on. She's not daft, she knows it's me, but it's worth it to see her.

Just carry on OP. Grit your teeth, quietly fume and get on with it

[Shelby2010]

Does DH work in a bigger town, it sounds like he commutes a fair distance? How about one of the days (after school run) you take them to a nice town nearer to DH's work, perhaps have lunch & leave them to hang out for the afternoon. DH can then meet them after work & take them out for a meal, that way spending a bit of time on his own with them?

[waltermittymistletoe]

LtEve it's a pain in the arse isn't it?! :)

Sigh, you're right. I have to just get on when it, don't I?

Shelby that's not a bad idea at all. Thank you!

[waltermittymistletoe]

Sorry, yes he does commute to the city nearest us. Around 2 hour there and 2 hours back!

[AmberLeaf]

Last week we talked about it and decided that DH would explain the situation and ask her to come from Friday to Sunday (we are paying for flights

Lo and behold she texts today saying she's booked time off from the Saturday to Thursday because that fucking arsehole never bothered emailing her

Who decided? is it possible that he wanted to stick to the original arrangement?

Sounds like there are two issues though which is a bit confusing, first being you feeling you have to entertain her, which as she is 18 I dont think needs to be a concern and secondly, you say your DH doesnt show interest/make the effort?
I don't think the answer to that one would have been to email her saying sorry, you cant stay for 5 days, come for 3 instead.

[AmberLeaf]

Im assuming she knows her dad will be at work on the weekdays too?

[JusticeCrab]

Some really quite unreasonable flaming of the OP going on here. The real issue is the DH's continued lack of interest in his SD. The logistics are easily sortable given the SD's age and 'Wtf do I do now?!' was probably a rhetorical question asked out of exasperation rather than a genuine request for (unduly sarcastically-given) advice.

[waltermittymistletoe]

You're right Justice it was more a "I can see this going pear shaped and I'll have to deal with it"!

Amber no DH was definitely saying she should switch so that they could spend time together/go for dinners without having to be up at 5.30 etc. plus the DC wouldn't be in school.

It's not that I feel I have to entertain her it's more that there's nothing to do here especially for an 18 year old so even a walk round the shops requires planning and transport!

She doesn't know that he can't be off because in his old job he could work from home and in this one he can't. She would have known, had he bothered to tell her.

He said he'll phone her tonight. She'll say it's ok but be devastated. He'll act like he doesn't notice.

And then the snotty texts will start. The cryptic fb statuses, the snotty comments from MIL and if they stay true to form, it'll all be directed at me!

[Inertia]

To be honest, anyone who plans a visit during their host's working hours does need to accept that they won't be around. Perhaps she has realised that her dad hardly bothers with her, and has picked those days so she can spend time with her siblings and you knowing that her dad doesn't really care either way?

Your DH is being very unfair to his daughter. Though having said that, I always contact my stepmother rather than my dad to make arrangements, and ring her more for chats- I see myself as being equally close to them both. Could it be that your SD values her relationship with you more than you think?

Just one more idea to keep them busy- could they travel to and from the city with your DH on his commute for a couple of the days, and do some sightseeing?

[Inertia]

Ah, cross posted with you- he hasn't bothered to reset her expectations based on previous visits.

He really needs to man up and tackle the relationship with his DD, his lack of effort, and the bile directed at you.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Inertia I'd like to think that and it's probably true! In the past when we've asked her what she'd like to do 9/10 it's cinema or dinner with me! "Girls nights" etc.

If she knew what to expect I wouldn't even be stressing about it!

I'm sure they could go with dh but not so sure they'd like to leave at that hour in the morning! Still the option is there for them.

Thank you all for your comments. It's hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes.

[JuliaScurr]

dp thinks your dh is being a git

[waltermittymistletoe]

I agree!

But only when it comes to SD which is the crux of it.

[BratinghamPalace]

OP - what a lovely woman you are. She is a lucky girl to have you trying to look out for her. It is what it is and not something you can fix. I would suggest she and the bf go with DH to work some day. 2 hour drive = quality time with her DF for her, he can get to know bf, they can tool around town, meet him for lunch, more tooling around and then 2hrs home to tell you all about it!
Good luck

[Yfronts]

Can you pay for her to taxi or bike to a train station?

[waltermittymistletoe]

Maybe on one of the days but between taxi and train we're talking over ?30 for just her, one way!

I don't think her bf works so would have to pay for him too! That's over ?100 just to get them there and back! I don't think we could afford it!

[waltermittymistletoe]

Thank you Bratingham I appreciate the support :)

[VivaLeBeaver]

2 shops and 17 pubs?

I'd like to live in a village like that!

[waltermittymistletoe]

It sounds a lot better than it is!

DH spoke to her. She's been so accommodating as she always is when he lets her down! (For example: missing his flights to go and pick her up at least three times)

She's coming Friday to Monday provided she can switch days. So now I just feel so guilty and sad and like she will think we don't want her here and DH doesn't give a shit.

I'm probably overdoing it now though. She asked could we (her and I) go out one night and dad and bf can babysit!

[Seabird72]

It sounds like in the past you have had alot of entertaining to do with her and that's why you're worried about her coming over this time - and with an extra person in tow that you've maybe never met before? I would feel uncomfortable having a teen and her boyfriend in the house whilst I have 3 young children to run around after - especially as your DH seems to be away most of the time (I have had MIL for a week before and it is hard entertaining whilst looking after children - you expect them to help out but in fact it's their "holiday" and they do bugger all to help you out but expect to be waited on hand and foot and kept amused!) - There is a good chance that since she is coming with her bf and she is 18 then they might not hang aroud so much and will go out sightseeing. I would think of some places they could go to get them out of your hair tbh. It would be nice if your DH could spend more time with her since she lives in another country but if this is the situation then try and get on with it as best you can but make it clear to him that in future you won't accept him not contacting her when he has made a promise to do so. See how it goes and if it's hard work then make sure DH knows how difficult it has been. Next time she arranges to come over, take yourself off on holiday and tell DH he can take time off work to look after 3 young ones and his DD and her bf!!