I could fucking kill him!

[waltermittymistletoe]

SD lives in a different country. She's 18 and wants to come visit with her new boyfriend.

DH started a new job before Christmas and as such has no holiday time to take.

SD emailed last week to say she wanted to come from Saturday to Thursday. DH would be here on the Saturday and Sunday and then in work until 7.30pm for the rest of her stay.

Not only that. I have the school run for two dc at different times. So I won't be around for parts of the day and she can't come with me as there is one spare seat and two of them.

Last week we talked about it and decided that DH would explain the situation and ask her to come from Friday to Sunday (we are paying for flights).

Lo and behold she texts today saying she's booked time off from the Saturday to Thursday because that fucking arsehole never bothered emailing her.

Wtf do I do now?! I have 3 dc under 6 and I don't know what I'm going to do with them alone all week! If it was just SD I wouldn't care. I've often had her when DH had to work.

If this were a one off, fair enough. But he never bothers to phone, text, Facebook her. It's always me. In almost 10 years I've organised all her presents even coordinating with her mum on split gifts even though her mum despises me because she thinks I've come between them!

This is down to DH's behaviour. Nothing to do with me. He's just a lazy bastard when it comes to SD!

I'm so angry. I'll have to fix this and don't know how!

We aren't in the UK. She's coming with her boyfriend, not to her boyfriend.

Of course it's DH I'm angry with not her. She hasn't done anything wrong but he fucking has! Again!

He acts like he doesn't give a fuck about her. It upsets me. I don't want that for my dc! Or her. I genuinely love her.

Wrt doing everything: I put my foot down a few years ago when pregnant on dc3. The result was she got nothing for Xmas until I ordered something the day before Xmas Eve and paid a fortune to have it sent in time! (It ended up arriving after Xmas anyway)

She didn't hear from him once that whole time. I got literally screamed at and called all sorts (cunt, evil bitch etc) by SD, MIL and her mum because they didn't believe he just couldn't be bothered and blamed me for stopping him. He told them it was him. They chose not to believe it.

He can spend time with her in the evenings, I'm struggling to see a problem TBH.

What Holly said

Sorry if I mistook the OP but the question I thought we were answering was "WTF do I do now?" which was followed by comments about what she was going to do with her own DC without the added complication of her DSD.

With regard to what she does with her husband .... she has a word with him about what she's not going to do in future but acts as a good Step-Mother whilst DSD visits. That's what SM's have to do I'm afraid - I have DSC and whilst I love them dearly there are occasions when I have to "shut up and put up" because they are children and I am a significant adult in their life.

But he'll see her at the weekend and every evening, won't he??

Can either of them drive? Hire them a car for a couple of days on DHs credit card

I see that he's a but rubbish in his responsibility to SD, but I still think you're over reacting.

I suppose I am BU.

I just hate that she was such a non-issue to him, he didn't even bother telling her he wouldn't be around. If she knew that and wanted to come anyway I'd say fair enough, her choice.

But she's bringing her bf to introduce him to her dad. They want to fly in for Saturday night. By the time they get here it will be very late Saturday. That leaves Sunday.

DH is up every morning at 5.30 so he won't be up to much in the evening and even if he was there's really nothing to do!

The pubs are very old man pubs. All the young people in the village go to literally one pub. It really is that bad!

I don't think your DH is the man you think he is.

He can obviously only be bothered with DCs when they are under his nose.

If you are unfortunate enough to be divorcing in the future, you know what he will be like with your DCs too.

I also would not be loving an SD to bits if she called me a cunt when she didn't get her Xmas present in time.

sorry Op - x-post.

I'd still let the two of them explore where you are. They will be fine.

WRT your DH. That's a tough situation. I guess it isn't going to change if you've already tried. Either you carry on as you are and accept you can't change it - put the anger aside - or refuse to do it and detach so you have no contact with SD or her mother.

If it is a deal breaker and you're worried about your children would you consider ending the relationship over it?

You've put up with DH's crap attitude towards his DD and taking advantage of you for 10 years?

Probably nothing you can do.

Thanks for clarifying but coming all that way for 3 days perhaps seemed too short for the distance involved and if you have always been the driving force keeping in touch, maybe she realises this and is happy to see more of you? Yes your DH should get his finger out and take the intiative, this is nothing new is it - give him both barrels OP.

She doesn't drive. I don't know about him. Never met him.

She doesn't have friends here as she's never lived here. She knows my dn's but they'll be in school/uni.

Yes he'll see her in the evening. I just feel sad for her that she doesn't know she won't see him.

There's a massive backstory. Which is probably why I overreact when it comes to her.

So, I won't fucking kill him then

those of you struggling to see a problem may not have been in that stuation, and that's fine. I do understand completely why the OP is upset though. I imagine she has had years of having the SD upset, having to organise SDs happiness because her dad can't be bothered and is worried by that. It's called being a normal sympathetic/empathetic person. taking on someone else emotions in order to try and make it better because you know the person they really want to see isn't bothered

OneHand I know how that makes her sound but I think it was the build up of years of upset with her dad. She loves him so she didn't want to take it out on him and I was an easier target.

Plus, it must have been better for her to think he was being stopped rather than he just couldn't be arsed.

I've reached the end of my tether with this. I've asked him to go see a counsellor to work out why he treats her this way. It's a constant brick wall.

I know he loves her. But he won't treat her like he loves her and so, for me, I'd rather do it so she gets something from us (and therefore him) than nothing! No love, feeling of importance, nothing. I can't do that to her.

I just think he should have told her. Then she could have decided whether she wanted to come or not!

I'd be mad too, b/c it sounds like your DH knows that anything that goes wrong with the visit (like, him not being around) will be considered your fault by SD and her mom and your MIL, and that's really unfair. Seems to me like that's the real situation: he doesn't do the right thing, bad enough, and then you get a lot of crap for it, much worse. Screaming at you b/c he didn't get your SD an Xmas present really is not okay at all. This time it sounds like they will be screaming at you b/c he won't/couldn't make time for her visit, and that won't be okay either. He needs to prevent that, by taking charge of his relationship with his daughter. Sorry you are in this position but can you get out of it? I.e., tell him so?

Can you pack her off on a train on Monday morning (taxi to station) to the nearest vaguely interesting city for one night? A treat paid for by Dad.

Then they come back on Tuesday - you only have Wednesday to entertain them of them getting up to no good when you're on the school run a couple of films and some popcorn will fill in the gaps.

Bob's your uncle. She's gone and it's just your DH that you need to deal with.

when did it become a crime to be loving towards someone who isn't a blood relation?

I am really baffled by some of you

Oops x-posted. Glad you've asked him to deal with it. Good luck x.

We couldn't afford to send them off unfortunately.

She is 18. I am sure she can go off and entertain herself. She probably does not want to be stuck with her step mother all the time either

In light of your recent messages I'd email her & explain her dad willbe working but of course it's up to her if she's happy to come anyway

I bet she and boyfriend has Big Plans for taking the train to Nearest Big City. Or go hiking, or biking. Or canoeing, or that sort of thing.

Or HE will hire a car.

Have you thought about a youth hostel? They cost about 15-20pounds each a night for a relatively nice one. And there are cheaper ones. And they'll have to stay in bunk beds!!! Sorry to push the point but it only has to be a short train journey - to the next town - and a cheap place to stay. They are young and backpacking is part of that adventure of growing up.

You sound like a lovely lady who wants the best for her DSD. I hope you find a way of it being ok for her.

Your dcs are dsds half sibs? Maybe she wants to spend time with them and isn't that bothered about her dad? Maybe she likes the rural area and wants to show bf around on foot. Sure dsd will have a great time, don't worry so much about entertaining them, she will have Sunday to see her Dad.