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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I could fucking kill him!

113 replies

waltermittymistletoe · 14/01/2013 17:11

SD lives in a different country. She's 18 and wants to come visit with her new boyfriend.

DH started a new job before Christmas and as such has no holiday time to take.

SD emailed last week to say she wanted to come from Saturday to Thursday. DH would be here on the Saturday and Sunday and then in work until 7.30pm for the rest of her stay.

Not only that. I have the school run for two dc at different times. So I won't be around for parts of the day and she can't come with me as there is one spare seat and two of them.

Last week we talked about it and decided that DH would explain the situation and ask her to come from Friday to Sunday (we are paying for flights).

Lo and behold she texts today saying she's booked time off from the Saturday to Thursday because that fucking arsehole never bothered emailing her.

Wtf do I do now?! I have 3 dc under 6 and I don't know what I'm going to do with them alone all week! If it was just SD I wouldn't care. I've often had her when DH had to work.

If this were a one off, fair enough. But he never bothers to phone, text, Facebook her. It's always me. In almost 10 years I've organised all her presents even coordinating with her mum on split gifts even though her mum despises me because she thinks I've come between them!

This is down to DH's behaviour. Nothing to do with me. He's just a lazy bastard when it comes to SD!

I'm so angry. I'll have to fix this and don't know how!

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 14/01/2013 17:24

She's an 18 year old who is bringing her boyfriend with her. With the greatest respect, I doubt they will be overly bothered about not accompanying you on the school run. In fact, I expect they have all sorts of plans and not many of them will necessarily involve you. If your DH is home by 7.30 then you still have the evenings to spend time with her and her bf.

Vagaceratops · 14/01/2013 17:27

/\

OwlLady · 14/01/2013 17:27

I imagine the OP is upset because she thinks her partner needs to spend time with his daughter but he barely communicates with her and she is exasperated by that

Vagaceratops · 14/01/2013 17:27

Oh man, that looked much better before I posted.

OwlLady · 14/01/2013 17:28

soprry but if it was my partner I would be angry too and I would worry what he would be like with my children and how much effort he would make. I have been that daughter, ignored by her father and treated as an after, it's not nice.

OwlLady · 14/01/2013 17:29

they look like trees :o

and I missed out the word thought, for after thought

Mintyy · 14/01/2013 17:30

She is cross with her partner, not her step daughter. He said he was going to do something and he didn't (again). I thought that was completely clear from the op Confused.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 14/01/2013 17:30

I'm afraid YABU. She's 18.

I spent weeks away from home travelling all over the UK and Europe with all sorts of boyfriends when I was 18.

My niece came over to the UK for 5 days when she was 18 and there was so much stuff she wanted to see and do - the shops in particular. We left her to it during the day mostly and then met up with her for dinner/cinema and the like.

Can you send her to London for the night with her boyfriend to explore the capital? Oh ... Camden Market, art galleries, pubs, clubs .... I want to be 18 again.

SoleSource · 14/01/2013 17:31

Are they SN?

LIZS · 14/01/2013 17:31

She's 18 and visiting UK . Has bf been here before , can they not go out for large portions of the day ? Make a list of current shows, exhibitions , places of interest. get train and bus timetables and leave them to it !

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 17:32

His 18 year old coming over to see her new boyfriend isn't really an issue is it. She probably won't be around much anyway, she will be all loved up and spending the bulk of her time with the boyfriend.

Your issue is with your DH. If I were you I'd stop doing it all, let go of all this control stuff. He's an adult and it's up to him to sort himself out.

CarlingBlackMabel · 14/01/2013 17:32

"I don't know what I'm going to do with them alone all week!"

When I was 18 I wouldn't have wanted my DSM to do anything at all with me all week! I would be out and about during the day, and then seeing my Dad and the rest of the famiy on the occasional evening when I wasn't out at a film, pub or club!

OwlLady · 14/01/2013 17:32

i thought it was clear as well mintyy. It's quite obvious who she is angry with and why

I am getting rather exasperated myself Wink

DSM · 14/01/2013 17:33

I'm confused. She is 18? Why on earth would she come on the school run? Do you think she'll want to spend her days with you Hmm

And does your car only have 4 seats?

HollyBerryBush · 14/01/2013 17:33

Laughing like mad - I expect they can't wait for you to go out on the school run

filthy grin

DSM · 14/01/2013 17:35

Ah I see, your car has 5 seats but you have 3 DC.

Regardless, why do you think the 18yo and her BF will want to spend their days with you?

Original poster
waltermittymistletoe · 14/01/2013 17:36

Ok I'll try to answer everything:

Firstly owllady pretty much has the sum of it. I'm so annoyed that she's making the effort to come and he couldn't even email her to offer alternatives so that he would actually be here and spend time with his daughter.

Someone asked me why he's such a shit dad and the truth of it is I have no idea. He's brilliant with our children together and that just pisses me off more!

They don't have to come on the school run?! I obviously implied that but I didn't mean to.

We live in a very rural area. There is NOTHING to do. Think two shops, two churches and 17 pubs type place. There's NO transport either. Literally none you either drive or stay local!

I mentioned the school run because I'm gone an hour in the morning and two in the afternoon not to mention activities for the dc etc.

Aside from any of that she wants to see and spend time with her DAD. As much as I love her and her me, I'm not the one she wants to spend time with! They will have to be entertained because I don't want them ignored the whole time they're here!

OP posts:
DSM · 14/01/2013 17:37

Two shops and 17 pubs? The 18yo's will be fine Wink

sooperdooper · 14/01/2013 17:38

I have no idea why you're so mad Confused

Your DH is around all day on Sat & Sun so you can all spend those days togther, after that I'm guessing SD & Bf will be off doing their own thing in the day, visiting old friends of hers, off seeing the area where you live etc? Then your DH will be home in the evenings anyway

The school run is nothing to do with anything, why on earth would they want to come with you, they're more likely to still be in bed when you leave the house - you don't have to do anything with them, they're adults, not additional children you need to look after as well as your little ones

SoleSource · 14/01/2013 17:39

Still very confused. Calm down dear.

Pancakeflipper · 14/01/2013 17:39

Has she been to where you live before? If so then she knows the score and knows there's 2 pubs ( plenty).

LIZS · 14/01/2013 17:39

Sorry but I think you are trying too hard. She'll see him at w/e and in the late evenings. Can you not say I can offer you lift between x and y, where does dh work can they meet him and come back together ? And yes I bet they will want to be "alone" ...

sooperdooper · 14/01/2013 17:41

Cross posts but as I said, he'll be around the first two full days and then every evening, it's not like he won't see them

I think you're overreacting, I'm sure they can find something to do, does she have friends in the area she'll want to visit?

CarlingBlackMabel · 14/01/2013 17:41

Posted a para too soon - but the issue of DH being so lazy and neglectful in his parenting of your DSD is another matter. It's good that he will see her at the weekend but have a fierce word with him and make sure he spends some evenings with her too. And give him a serious talk about outsourcing his parenting to you. It's not fair on her, or you to play such a derisory role in her life.

Paiviaso · 14/01/2013 17:42

Are you sure she wants to spend 5 days with her dad? I think bringing her boyfriend indicates she doesn't plan on spending the whole time with her dad and you even if you were available.

If the SD likes the countryside, or is quite resourceful at getting places, or simply likes to veg on the couch having a giggle with her boyfriend, she'll be fine.