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Original poster

Is it Unreasonable to bite your kids back?

255 replies

AnneNonimous · 14/01/2013 16:10

When they bite you? Or more to the point a baby?

DS is almost ten months and has discovered biting people. He has almost 5 teeth so it's painful, and he favours the boobs or face but will pretty much go for anywhere. It REALLY does hurt. A couple of times it's hurt so much I've screamed out and scared him so he's cried, but it hasn't stopped him. I've also given him teething rings or something else to chew on, told him 'no' in a firm voice everytime but to no avail - he won't stop.

Anyone I mention it to tell me to bite him back - not hard but so he understands what biting is. I can't quite bring myself to do it but I have to admit I've been close when he's really hurt me! Is it what you would do/ have done? I can't quite believe a 10 month old could learn a lesson that way I just don't know?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 14/01/2013 19:48

My ds1 has Aspergers and did go through phases of biting me very hard, although he was older. We did "cure" it using various strategies. I could not more have bitten him back than I could have hit him or pulled his hair. I really couldn't. Not even when I had purple bite marks up my arms, and he drew blood too.

DS2 is NT and did the biting when breastfeeding thing, and it bloody hurts. Especially with mastitis, I really used to see stars. I did the firm "no" and breaking the latch, and putting him down for a bit if it was persistent. It did work, just not in one glorious rush-of-consciousness - it took a bit of paience and consistency.

Greensleeves · 14/01/2013 19:50

Writehand, I would say that it is you demonstrating the Mystic Meg superpowers in your post. Since you were able to watch your child's brain development in real time while biting his face Hmm

Clawdy · 14/01/2013 19:54

Years ago I was helping at a playgroup and we noticed a little boy had a bitemark on his upper arm. When the playgroup supervisor asked his mum about it she said she had done it to show him biting could hurt. I know the supervisor informed the health visitor. Have to say,I can still remember that little arm...

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 19:58

yes but clawdy that was totally out of order, I personally am not talking about a bite back but a nip, it's very very different. It does work.

Writehand · 14/01/2013 20:03

We'll have to agree to disagree, Greensleeves. Deciding exactly what other people have or haven't experienced or seen is seldom sensible and never courteous.

Read the post from Clawdy if you feel you must get a nice self-righteous strop on. There you have a mother who actually bit their child and left marks. Getting shirty with me for doing neither is a bit sledgehammer/nut, surely?

BornToFolk · 14/01/2013 20:07

What I did was illustrate - in the only way you can to a pre-verbal child - that potentially it might not be a cuddly nice thing for him to be doing.

Of course it's not the only way of demonstrating that! You can say "No", you can put them down, you can do any number of things that does not include hurting (even a little bit) a tiny child.

DS was not a biter but he did go through a hitting phase when he was about a year old. The most effective thing was to hold his hand to stop him hitting, say "No" firmly and if he persisted, put him down and walk away. THAT gave him a clear message that if he hit, he did not get cuddles or play. There was no need to hit him back!

baskingseals · 14/01/2013 20:10

mil did this to baby ds.

it is one of the many reasons i find it hard to be civil to her.

polkadotsrock · 14/01/2013 20:18

borntofolk any advice for me? Tried all mentioned things but ds still biting. Only me, at least twice daily. He's 14 months and no amount of putting him down, saying no, no cuddles is working. I'm at a loss do any other strategies would be good

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey · 14/01/2013 20:19

OP, no unless you want to be up for criminal charges for intent assult on a minor.

To bite a child does not come under physical chastisement, however does come under assult on a minor.

However ignoring the legality side of it, anybody who does this to anyone, never mind a baby, needs a brain transplant!!!

BornToFolk · 14/01/2013 20:22

Keep doing it, Polkadotsrock. It's not going to work straight away.

sparklingsky · 14/01/2013 20:26

I can apply my neurodevelopmental knowledge here or my experience as a mum of three - all of whom have bitten me by 18 months..

It flipping hurts, and can be exasperating to not know how best to respond to stop the behaviour becoming a habit - especially when you add other adults expectations and other children into the mix.

Who hasn't had the thought cross their mind - if I do (X) to them they'll understand... The thing is, applying adult perspectives to an infant or toddler experience of the world is completely different.

Toddlers can't empathize
Toddlers can't understand adult intent in the way the OP describes
Older babies can make the connection between the feel of something on their skin and pleasure or pain. They can't do this for someone else. They may well change facial expression when experiencing something new - especially a new sensation.

There are various examples here of some form of simulated biting. A baby or toddler that has never known their parent/carer hurt them may be confused and/or shocked. If they have experienced hurt before, they may feel fear, and associate this with eg baring of teeth, or exposing of flesh. But it's the initial stress response that the child attends to and what the adult was doing when they felt fear or pain. It may not be an association with teeth. It depends on the developmental age of the child.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 14/01/2013 20:30

I couldnt get through to him. So I sorted it. I never smack him but i am strict. He eats with knife snd fork properly, tidies his toys every night, cleans up any spillages that he makes and ive even caught him cleaning the toilet with a loo brush after he emptied his potty into it....He is very well behaved and more importantly, v happy confident kid. It doesnt do them any harm to know who calls the shots, im not sure why we are so scared of discplining our children.

Writehand · 14/01/2013 20:30

As I always say, there are countless ways of bringing up kids well, and for every happy family you'll find someone pointing out how appalling whatever they're doing is. There's something about parenting that makes everyone a judge. I do it myself, though I'd say I do it less than I've been done to. Some people make an entire lifestyle out of disapproval. Smile

Willowisp · 14/01/2013 20:31

Apparently I used to bite my mum's nipple whilst breastfeeding. She said one day I looked her right in the eye & clamped my teeth down. She yelled & gave me a slap, I cried but never did it again. She bf me until I was a year, so likely I was around 10 mths.

I'm ok & she wasn't a slapper/smacker, she just didn't want her boob bitten. This was in the 60's.

sparklingsky · 14/01/2013 20:32

So your child will associate any of pain, fear, stress, panic when experiencing discomfort from you. They may then associate this with an element of your behaviour when they felt distressed. So more problems can occur when you do something that has nothing to do with biting.

The question is, do you want your child to learn in this way? And even when there is a likelihood of them associating you with fear, pain, stress?

sparklingsky · 14/01/2013 20:33

So your child will associate any of pain, fear, stress, panic when experiencing discomfort from you. They may then associate this with an element of your behaviour when they felt distressed. So more problems can occur when you do something that has nothing to do with biting.

The question is, do you want your child to learn in this way? And even when there is a likelihood of them associating you with fear, pain, stress?

perceptionreality · 14/01/2013 21:31

I think we would all agree that biting another adult would be wrong.

So why is it ok to bite a child?

You can mock all you want and tell me to get off my soap box. I still don't see any plausible explanation for this and nobody seems to have one. Writehand, you obviously feel that you were teaching your son about how the sensation felt. How do you know he wasn't scared or confused?

perceptionreality · 14/01/2013 21:34

And I really don't think that old chestnut 'it never did me any harm' stands up to scrutiny.

polkadotsrock · 14/01/2013 22:23

I've been at it for months I can assure you, I never believed it would work overnight. Buggery, looks like I'm stuck then.

PickledInAPearTree · 14/01/2013 22:26

It's crap having a biter. I had a few bad months now its sporadic. Ds would attack other kids like a little shark. So embarrassing!

Moominsarescary · 14/01/2013 23:43

It's awful, ds1 was terrible for it. I remember picking him up from playgroup just after he'd started there so he was 22-23 months old and he'd just bitten someone.

He was saying sorry and this other child's mum was shouting at him.

sparklingsky · 15/01/2013 08:01

Polka - if you've tried everything consistently and you are still not getting any change on behaviour at all, it sounds like he might be getting some sort of sensory feedback from biting. I'd be thinking it might be time to discuss things with a health visitor or paediatrian.

Mimishimi · 15/01/2013 08:06

I did it with my 20 month old DD who went through a particularly bad biting phase for a couple of months. She would laugh like a maniac after doing it and she knew that it hurt people. She never did it again after that. I do think a ten month old would be too young to understand though. For them, that phase is very short and it's more of a sensory one than a genuine intention to hurt.

roguepixie · 15/01/2013 08:10

My DS did the biting on the boob thing when he was about 9/10 months old too. He had teeth and they were sharp, really sharp. I said a firm 'no' and broke the latch. He did it two or three times and then never again. Whether the breakig the latch and saying 'no' had anything to do with it is debatable but that's my tale.

Do not bite him. He will not learn anything from it at 10mo.

GirlOutNumbered · 15/01/2013 08:19

Interesting thread. I would never bite my children and luckily as of today I have never thought about it.

I think though you have to remember that MILs etc will have been given advice like this and although we may not agree with it now, we have to accept it probably did us no harm.

My mum was a smacker (apparently, I don't remember) as I was very naughty. Now I am older all I know is that I love my Mum very very mum and I think she is wonderful. I'm still quite naughty though Grin

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