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Original poster

Is it Unreasonable to bite your kids back?

255 replies

AnneNonimous · 14/01/2013 16:10

When they bite you? Or more to the point a baby?

DS is almost ten months and has discovered biting people. He has almost 5 teeth so it's painful, and he favours the boobs or face but will pretty much go for anywhere. It REALLY does hurt. A couple of times it's hurt so much I've screamed out and scared him so he's cried, but it hasn't stopped him. I've also given him teething rings or something else to chew on, told him 'no' in a firm voice everytime but to no avail - he won't stop.

Anyone I mention it to tell me to bite him back - not hard but so he understands what biting is. I can't quite bring myself to do it but I have to admit I've been close when he's really hurt me! Is it what you would do/ have done? I can't quite believe a 10 month old could learn a lesson that way I just don't know?

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 19:17

There again you are talking extremes Rooney.

Writehand · 14/01/2013 19:17

I'm not "claiming that it's a good idea to hurt a small child". My baby and I were blissfully bonded, and I didn't hurt him. What I did was illustrate - in the only way you can to a pre-verbal child - that potentially it might not be a cuddly nice thing for him to be doing. The message was "If I close my teeth over your flesh it's not cool, is it?"

His eyes went like saucers as a new and amazing discovery rocketed across his conscious. "Wow! I didn't realise that!" was roughly what he seemed to be thinking. There was no distress. Just a sudden realisation. And I'd argue that my interpretation is right because as soon as the penny dropped he stopped doing it. I know someone else who did the same, with the same result.

Seems some posters here have missed the nuances of life and its interactions. It's great to be empathetic, not so great to lose all sense of proportion,

CatchTheFox · 14/01/2013 19:18

ClippedPhoenix, i get where you are coming from but I disagree with the method.

A young baby would not make the quite complex leap
of reasoning behind your actions. They are simply too young to empathise in that way.

An older child is old enough to understand, in words, that biting people hurts and will not be tolerated.

Greensleeves · 14/01/2013 19:18

God RooneyMara Sad

RooneyMara · 14/01/2013 19:18

What d'you mean clippedphoenix?

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 19:19

have you read the rest Rooney?

RooneyMara · 14/01/2013 19:19

btw I have only read the OP - not up to date with any arguing that might be going on or who is on what team as it were.

just saying my experience of this. Lots of people do seem to believe it works.

RooneyMara · 14/01/2013 19:20

No.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · 14/01/2013 19:21

Writehand

once the baby gets the idea that biting must hurt he stops. You don't actually hurt him, obviously.

This seems contradictory to me. Either you are hurting him, and that's how he knows to stop or you aren't, in which case he wouldn't get the idea that it hurts and wouldn't therefore stop.

Greensleeves · 14/01/2013 19:22

I can't see the wonderful magical moment of dawning consciousness you describe I'm afraid Writehand. What I see is a mother biting her child's face. It's totally unnecessary and I find it even weirder that a parent can do it calmly.

You don't need to cause a child pain (even mild pain Hmm) to teach him right from wrong. All he learns from this is that you are bigger than him and can therefore "win". Not a valuable lesson for a baby.

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 19:23

its the action of using teeth that give the wake up call not the actual biting.

Greensleeves · 14/01/2013 19:25

I hope OP is still reading this. This thread illustrates beautifully what a very bad idea it is to bite your child.

perceptionreality · 14/01/2013 19:25

Well I feel that if something would be unacceptable to do to another adult, then it's also acceptable to do it to a child.

perceptionreality · 14/01/2013 19:27

'All he learns from this is that you are bigger than him and can therefore "win". Not a valuable lesson for a baby.'

Quite.

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 19:27

Oh get off your soap boxes, really.

sherazade · 14/01/2013 19:29

wtf? biting common advice? what kind of people do you mix with?

My dd bit my nipple during feeds at that age. I just wailed said no in a firm voice and stopped the feed.

I don't know how you'd make a baby realise that biting is unpleasant, by biting them back without hurting them. I find this totally unconvincing.

Greensleeves · 14/01/2013 19:32

It's unconvincing because it's rubbish. Either it's OK to hurt a small child, or it isn't. Hurting them "a little bit, to teach them a lesson" is still wrong.

Writehand · 14/01/2013 19:34

Having looked back at this thread, one of the things that's interesting is that many posters don't seem to register that in that pre-verbal stage, when you and your baby are together pretty much all the time physically, like dancers but for hours on end, there's a whole lot of complex body language going on. The baby does stuff, you do stuff, and regardless of theories about understanding, there's a physical dialogue going on that's far more complex than some seem to appreciate.

As I said, I did not hurt my baby in any way whatsoever. I just closed my teeth on the very surface of his skin. I made sure he saw teeth, not a closed mouth. There was no mark, not even saliva. But by doing that he was able to perceive - in as simple a way as a cat with a kitten - that his little teeth, unchecked, would be unpleasant for me. And he very definitely understood. It wasn't a punishment, and it wasn't intended as a punishment. It was information, and that's how he reacted. If I'd upset/abused/hurt him he'd have presumably cried, been distressed, whatever. He wasn't.

His whole face was amazed and fascinated. Eyes like saucers. That doesn't described a baby who's upset, but one who's amazed. It was something he had discovered about life, and about reciprocity. Babies take on a lot more than some people think.

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 19:37

Id advise you to chill a bit greensleeves and put things into perspective rather than use very ill advised emotive words.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 14/01/2013 19:39

Flame me, if you must, but I DID bite my son back v lightly when he was about 18 months old and def NOT teething. Just enough to give him a shock. He never did it again. He dispdnt cry either, just looked at me in dismay. You cannot reason with a child that young and his nursery had threatened to suspend him, so we couldnt just put up it.

I cured his hairpulling fetish the same way at the same age.

Greensleeves · 14/01/2013 19:41

Thank you for your advice ClippedPhoenix.

Writehand, I read the interaction you describe in your post rather differently from you. I doubt very much that your baby had a sudden light-bulb moment because you bit him. It sounds more like you projecting a narrative onto him which had nothing to do with his actual experience. Either you hurt him, in which case all he learned was that you can hurt him, or you didn't hurt him, in which case he learned nothing whatsoever and was just curious about the weird teeth-baring expression you were wearing. Hopefully it was the latter.

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 19:44

At last another voice of reason Fergus.

Did you have a perpetual biter greensleeves?

I did just like Fergus had.

sherazade · 14/01/2013 19:45

I disagree, Fergus , I think You can reason with an 18 month old.

Writehand · 14/01/2013 19:46

Greensleeves, as you can clearly read minds and even re-live people's personal experiences for them, I am amazed you waste your time here.

Get a column in the Sun or Hello!, why don't you? Then millions can share in your weird inner certainty and supernatural abilities.

VoiceofUnreason · 14/01/2013 19:47

I used to bite when I was small. One day my dad bit me back. Never did it again. And I don't hate my dad.