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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not buy DD2 a car even though we bought DD1 one?

76 replies

MissMiaWallace · 13/01/2013 20:20

We have three daughters. Aged 24, 20 and 14. We have always treated them the same. Such as when DD1 was 11 she got her ears pierced and so DD2 and DD3 could too at that age, and if one is given £10 so are the others etc.

DD1 started driving as soon as she turned 17. We bought her a car whilst she was learning (nothing expensive) as dh worked away a lot and my car is a manual. She failed her first test and then stopped driving.

We then had 3 cars which was a complete waste of money, and so we decided to sell it.

My DD2 has started learning to drive now and has asked for a car. We have said no as she is insured on dh's car as he does not work away anymore.

In her eyes she says she should have a car as her older sister did and it's unfair for her to get punished for her sisters actions.

In our opinion we don't want the same mistake to happen again and also DD2 has had money spent on her in other ways. We have paid for 2 holidays away with her friends, as she doesn't come on family holidays anymore and she has had a new laptop for uni.

aibu to not buy her a car?

OP posts:

brizzagirl · 13/01/2013 20:24

No YANBU as she has access to your DH's car. I understand why she might not think it's fair but explain what happened and that you have spent more on her in other ways. To have access to a car at 17 now is quite a luxury with the cost of insurance! How would you/she fund that if you bought her a car?

StuntGirl · 13/01/2013 20:25

The circumstances are slightly different, so no I don't think you'd be unfair to not buy her one, as long as she is getting lots of practice in your car. Out of lessons practice really does make a difference.

If your main concern is an extra unneeded car would you consider buying her a car once she's passed?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/01/2013 20:27

YABU.

I say that as a child who is deeply affected by the differences in how my parents treated me and my sibling.

Her sister not using her car has nothing to do with DD2. And "having access" to DHs car isnt the same.

TheCraicDealer · 13/01/2013 20:28

Why does it matter your car is a manual? Surely better to learn on that and then switch to an automatic if necessary?

Anyway- older DD had access to a car. DD2 also has access to a car. So far, so equal.

Original poster

MissMiaWallace · 13/01/2013 20:30

Oops sorry that should have said my car is an automatic car not a manual - which is why it was pointless using mine to learn.

OP posts:

GailTheGoldfish · 13/01/2013 20:30

Hasn't the recently been a hike in insurance prices for young drivers? That would be reason enough to say no I think. But it's not like her sister got a car that she drove for ages, she never really had it at all. A car is a massive privilege not a right and access to your DH's car is more than a lot of teenagers get. So YANBU.

SanityClause · 13/01/2013 20:33

Who got the money when the car was sold? If it was you, then you bought a car which your eldest was able to use. Your second daughter also has access to a car, so this is fair. If your daughter had the money for the car, your second daughter might have a point, though.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/01/2013 20:33

It isnt about what other teenagers get though.

Do not do for one child what you are not prepared to do for them all.

McNewPants2013 · 13/01/2013 20:34

Yabu, dd1 had her own car so dd2 should have the same.

landofsoapandglory · 13/01/2013 20:35

YABU

I agree with Wannabe. I was treated completely differently to my siblings, I still am, and it has affected me deeply. I am barely in speaking terms with my parents now because of it.

You bought DD1 a car, so IMO you should buy DD2 a car. I never do anything for DS1 that I am not absolutely 100% sure I can do for DS2 when his turn comes. I never want him to experience the feelings I have.

coldcupoftea · 13/01/2013 20:35

As they are both adults they can buy their own bloody cars!! Seriously, your 20 year old ADULT daughter is being brattish and should not be dictating that you buy her expensive gifts!

Original poster

MissMiaWallace · 13/01/2013 20:36

Sanity DD1 definitely didn't get the money when we sold the car.

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 13/01/2013 20:40

I'd definitely see where she was coming from if DD1 had passed her test and then had the free use of a car. But she didn't as she never actually passed her test. She was given access to a car and had insurance paid for, which is also being offered to DD2.

bedmonster · 13/01/2013 20:41

But those of you saying that you were treated differently to your siblings sound as though it was an ongoing thing. Op has said she has always treated them equally.
Op, sounds as though your dd is behaving like a brat. She should be grateful for what she is being given already not whingeing that its not fair. She's old enough to save for her own bloody car anyway!

NewYearNewNagoo · 13/01/2013 20:44

YANBU in the circumstances.

Insurance costs more, times are tighter, your DH works at home, etc. etc.

Having 'use of a car' is different. You can get away with not paying for all the fuel you use, you don't pay to service it and so on. You can sell this to her.

floweryblue · 13/01/2013 20:46

My parents paid for all my driving lessons when I turned 17. I hated every minute and after passing my test first time I drove three more times and then gave up for ever, I am now 42. They threatened to buy me a car for my 18th birthday, fortunately my younger sis persuaded them not to waste their money.

When it came to younger sis's time to learn to drive, she paid for her own lessons (a bit of help from my parents but by no means paying for the lot like they did for me). She did get a car for her birthday (can't remember if it was 18th or 19th, she had a fair few goes at her driving test!).

Neither my sis or I have any sort of idea of being 'favoured', either for being the first child or for being the youngest child. We are able to understand that decisions have to be made based on experience and circumstances. So my parents spent money on me that I didn't want them to spend, with sis they had learned a lesson and spent the same (maybe more? no idea, don't care) on her when she had proved she was determined to drive.

So I think YANBU, your DD2 is not a driver yet, wait till she is and then maybe buy her a car, if you can afford it.

maddening · 13/01/2013 20:46

In a way it was never dd1's own car as you sold it and kept the money - so you could effectively describe it as a family car needee as dh worked away.

But does she have the same right of access to dh's car as dd1 had to "her" car?

bangersmashandbeans · 13/01/2013 20:49

As one of 3 sisters I don't think you're being unreasonable. Situations change so you can't always make the same decisions for each child. My older sister got bought a car because she had a job at 17 and was very committed to learning to drive etc. I went to uni at 17 so didn't learn to drive till 25 so didn't get given a car - but uni fees were paid for. Younger sister went to uni and unlike me didn't have to get a job and was 100% financed by our parents because their financial situation had changed by then. None of us begrudge each other any of this. You are being very nice in allowing use of a car and your child should be grateful for that!

quirrelquarrel · 13/01/2013 20:50

In her eyes she says she should have a car

I think she's stepped right over the line there. She needs to realise that your having bought a car for her elder sister was a mistake, or an experiment, and now maybe it's just tough on her (or entirely reasonable and normal!) that she doesn't get one- it's not a punishment, it's just a lesson learnt.....

To be honest, anyone who demands a car (and sorry, but I think it definitely qualifies as a demand) is bang out of order. Trying to guilt trip you by bringing the sibling thing in....not cool.

amicissimma · 13/01/2013 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloudsAndTrees · 13/01/2013 21:21

I think YABVU and I can see exactly where your dd2 is coming from.

If her older sister had passed her driving test and made use of the car you gave her, would you still think it was ok to not buy a car for dd2. Or would you then think that you should do the same for them both?

If you want to avoid making the same mistake, then that's fair enough. Use it as a reason not to buy your dd2 a car until after she has passed her test, I think that would be fair enough as she has access to your DHs car for practice which your other dd didn't have. But don't use the mistake thing as a reason for not getting her a car at all, it wasn't her mistake.

You said that dd2 has had I'm eh spent on her for holidays and a laptop, but have either of your other daughters been given laptops? Has dd1 had money for holidays, or been on more family holidays than dd2?

Unless you told your dd2 at the time she was given holidays and a laptop then she had no reason to think that they were instead of the car. You set up the arrangement with your dd1, so your dd2 had no reason to think that things wouldn't be the same for her unless you pointed it out. You should have made the decision about buying a car for all your children when you bought one for the first. Otherwise your dd2 and dd3 have good reason to feel aggrieved that they are not being treated the same.

BillyBollyBrandy · 13/01/2013 21:29

My father always said he would put £2 to every £1 we saved. My DB's did this and he helped them buy a car. They also had use of his car until they saved for their own.

When I learned to drive he made the same offer re paying for a new one. However, he wouldn't let me anywhere near his brand new flashy car. Therefore he said he wasn't treating us fairly and bought me a car I could use that me and my DM shared she never saw it In the end he gave me the car to use as a part ex but I bought my own car, he didn't pay anything towards it.

So I think that is an example of how different circumstances meant we were treated differently. I also went to Uni, unlike db's, and he payed part of my rent whereas db's had to pay rent to him when they were working.

I did work throught university though and then paid rent when I moved home.

So we were treated differently, but not when the circumstances were the same.

GrendelsMum · 13/01/2013 21:44

As other people have said, I don't think you actually did buy your daughter a car, unless she got to keep the money when it was sold. It sounds like you intended to have two family cars at home for use by family members who could drive.

However, if you wanted to compromise, you could suggest that you'll buy a car but your daughter has to insure herself and pay for petrol, servicing and tax, and that when it's sold, you'll keep the money.

FWIW, I was the oldest sibling and learnt to drive at 18. I was expected to ferry my younger siblings around, do family shopping etc and contribute towards petrol costs, so it was hardly a riveting experience.

ComposHat · 13/01/2013 22:07

If she wants a fucking car at 20, she can buy her own. Especially as she is being offered access to someone else's without the cost of taxing, insuring and repairing the thing.

Tell her she is BU.

Pigsmummy · 13/01/2013 22:29

Put yourself in her shoes, you would be gutted when you thought that you were going to get a car but then told no......why wouldn't she think that you wouldn't treat her the same as DD1.....

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