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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not buy DD2 a car even though we bought DD1 one?

76 replies

MissMiaWallace · 13/01/2013 20:20

We have three daughters. Aged 24, 20 and 14. We have always treated them the same. Such as when DD1 was 11 she got her ears pierced and so DD2 and DD3 could too at that age, and if one is given £10 so are the others etc.

DD1 started driving as soon as she turned 17. We bought her a car whilst she was learning (nothing expensive) as dh worked away a lot and my car is a manual. She failed her first test and then stopped driving.

We then had 3 cars which was a complete waste of money, and so we decided to sell it.

My DD2 has started learning to drive now and has asked for a car. We have said no as she is insured on dh's car as he does not work away anymore.

In her eyes she says she should have a car as her older sister did and it's unfair for her to get punished for her sisters actions.

In our opinion we don't want the same mistake to happen again and also DD2 has had money spent on her in other ways. We have paid for 2 holidays away with her friends, as she doesn't come on family holidays anymore and she has had a new laptop for uni.

aibu to not buy her a car?

OP posts:
Lesbeadiva · 14/01/2013 09:02

Yanbu. She is 20 and can buy her own. I wouldn't appreciate my grown up children asking this of me. Then again, I think you made a rod by always giving them the same things too. They are individuals and need different things. I get the message you were trying to convey though. Ours get equal "stuff" but that stuff can vary greatly. My parents paid for my driving lessons, but I never liked it. And didn't drive until I was 27. They did buy my sister a car when she was 17, should I go and demand they buy me one too?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 14/01/2013 09:40

I agree with AmandaCooper

It's much different when they're little. Pocket money, treats, ear piercing they should all have the same so they don't feel left out. But really you can't carry this on forever. There is a huge difference between giving little children pocket money and buying them all a car each.

She is 20 years old. She is a grown adult who is highly capable of making things happen for herself if she truly wants something, be it a car, a holiday, a deposit for her own place, etc... I am 23 and me and my brother never expected anything. He bought his own car, and his own house. I don't have those things yet because I don't have the means to just yet. We were treated equally as possible as kids, but our mum and dad had to draw the line somewhere and buying a car each was not in the question.

The OP doesn't have to buy any more cars for any of her daughters.

milf90 · 14/01/2013 09:51

Yanbu, I think at 20 she should be saving up for her own car. I find it shocking that se is askingfor something as big and expensive as that. I bought my own car at 18 with my own money (for uni) At 20 I was havig a baby, saving up for a desposit on a house an privately renting so I fin the whole concept a bit odd I suppose!

Original poster
MissMiaWallace · 14/01/2013 11:16

ComposHat
I really worry that someone with this level of emotional immaturity and who cannot distinguish between 'exactly the same' and 'fairly' is going to let loose behind the wheel of a dangerous piece of equipment.

I think this comment is taking it way too far and I have actually taken offence to it. I'm a precious mother where my children can do no wrong, however you seem to deem to fair to make such a harsh comment about someone who I have only said a few sentences about.

She had come home from uni for Christmas and we were talking about her driving lessons, she then asked that if she started saving now to pay for insurance will we buy her a car as we bought DD1 a car. We said that no we wouldn't be buying a car and explained the reasons stated above.

Although disappointed she accepted that and didn't bring it up again. But yet from that she is emotionally immature and shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car??

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMiaWallace · 14/01/2013 11:16

I'm not* a precious mother.

OP posts:
ComposHat · 14/01/2013 11:50

MissMia I am sorry that you have taken it that way. As you say I can only go on the few lines that you put up (to invite comment on your daughter's behaviour/requests) and from what you've written, the attitude seems to be more akin to mardy and spoilt 14 year old,- 'mummy daddy buy me this NOW' than an independent 20 year old woman who wants to undertake the adult responsibility of driving a car.

DontmindifIdo · 14/01/2013 12:04

Actually, the fact that she lives away is important, if she lived at home and could regularly use your DH's car, then it would be a different situation to the one of your DD1, because you bought her a car because she couldn't use DHs due to him not being there (and therefore the car not being there) however DD2 is in the same situation because she is the one living away so she doesn't have access to DH's car either. (Albeit because it's her that's not in the family home, not your DH).

Also I see she expected to have to pay for her own insurance, so the recent changes aren't an excuse for you, if she can afford to tax and insure it, it's just the cost of the car that's for you to deal with.

However, theres a few other things, as your DD1 didn't get the money from the sale of the car, then it was never a gift for her, it was still your property.

It's a tricky one, can you afford it, can she afford to tax and insure it (bearing in mind the tax and insurance would be a lot higher in most uni accomdation areas), would she use it regularly now or would it be more just a cost to her until she graduates? (at which point having a car so being a lot more mobile would be a help)

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/01/2013 12:06

You can treat children the same by meeting their needs to the same level, rather than by doing the same thing for each, iyswim. For example, dcs all get bought new shoes when they need them. Ds1 gets twice as many shoes as dd does cos his feet grow faster. She gets fewer pairs of shoes but they both get what they need. That's fair. Both your daughters have been given access to a car. So I think you are treating them the same.

My parents bought my db a car. When it was 17 a few years later, their circumstances had changed and they couldn't afford to buy me one. Fair enough, I understood that there wasn't the money. When they sorted their money problems out a while later, I didn't go asking for my car. I was an adult and that would have been just rude. I was a bit annoyed that they never offered though, a car was expensive then ...

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 14/01/2013 12:07

Hmm, if she doesn't live at home thats not access to a car, is it ...

cumfy · 14/01/2013 15:16

I think you're best coming clean and admitting you've rather made a rod for your own back.

Have you made any other "commitments" re say mortgages, which might lead DD2 to think this is "the thin end of the wedge" ?

Perhaps reassure her that this is a one-off and that she's first in-line re any other DD1/DD2 hand-outs.

OmgATalkingOnion · 14/01/2013 15:22

I also think yabu. You have 3 dc, couldn't you see how this would pan out?Confused

Lueji · 14/01/2013 15:23

Regardless of what you decide, you should not buy her a car if she hasn't passed her test yet.

At least you should learn from your previous experience.

If you are going for "what is fair", can you make a rough calculation about the money you have spent (or will) on each child?

Also, the other car was not really your DD1's, was it? As you sold it.
It was for her use.
And would your DD1 afford to keep a car?

OmgATalkingOnion · 14/01/2013 15:25

But yes I agree by aged 20's they're best saving for their own big items like cars.

CalamityJ · 14/01/2013 15:56

As one of many siblings I expected to be bought a car because my siblings were. I did throw a diva strop when I got handed down my sister's old car that she was given when she passed rather than getting my "own" but I got over it!

However, I wasn't allowed to try ballet, tap dancing, all sorts of other types of classes because my sisters tried them and dropped out. That annoyed me because I wanted to try them (like all little girls) myself. So I guess what I'm saying is I see DD2's point of view that just because it was a waste of money for DD1 doesn't mean it will be for her. It might, but that's the risk you take in the line of fairness. Perhaps the compromise is that you will buy her one when she passes as a "congratulations" present? That way you get rid of the risk of buying one and her not passing. Whilst learning she can practice on Dad's because either you or him will have to be with her anyway so it's not like it's any different from her having her own and asking you or him to give her some practice. However, when she passes she will want the freedom of not having to ask to borrow his.

BackforGood · 14/01/2013 16:57

Interestingly, my dd just came in while I was on the OP. dd is a dc2, so in the same position in some ways. She said straight away, you shouldn't buy a car, as your dd2 has access to a car to drive, so it would be daft to then pay out for another one when she can use her Dad's. That's from a teen perspective Grin

I have 3 dc too, and have always done what my parents did with us (I was one of 4). Not aiming to treat all children "the same", but aiming to "treat equally", or "fairly". Which is rarely the same thing. We've always done our best to support each of our children in what they want to do, within the limits of budget, time, and common sense. That doesn't mean they each have the same experiences at the same time, or the same money necessarily spent on them on the same days.

DontmindifIdo · 14/01/2013 17:27

But BackforGood - the DD2 doesn't have access to a car, she lives away at uni so the fact that her dad's car is now available at the family home doesn't mean it's any more available to her as it was to DD1 who was at home but dad's car wasn't!

(OP - I also question the sense of paying for DD2 to be on the car insurance for your DH's car when she doesn't live at the house so can't use it much, you might be able to save a fortune to just add her for the few weeks a year she's actually there)

ComposHat · 14/01/2013 18:43

DontmindifIdo if the second daughter is away at university and she hasn't passed her test, she won't be able to drive it without her parents to supervise her. The fact she won't be there for the majority of the time makes the need for a car even less pressing.

Hulababy · 14/01/2013 19:24

YANBU. Children do not have to have exactly the same all the time.

As it stands your DD1 did not get a car anyway. A car was bought by yourselves which she had access too, but when it was sold the money remained yours. Therefore the car did not belong to your DD1. If it had - DD1 would have had the money from the car.

Your DD2 has had holidays and a laptop bought for her. Did your DD21 have these too?

BackforGood · 14/01/2013 23:41

Waht CompsHat said.
Completely useless to her while she's away at University. How is she expecting to be able to afford to run it even once/if she does pass her test ?

StinkyWicket · 14/01/2013 23:56

Genuinely, what would be the point in having her own car while she is at uni? I used mine to drive there with all my stuff, then drove it home and left it SORN on the driveway. Most uni towns have excellent transport, I think if you get her one you will be paying for it to be used maybe twice a week for the run to get beer from the supermarket!

Other than that, I'm not sure.

ComposHat · 14/01/2013 23:58

stinky she can't even drive yet so she couldn't even do what you describe!

GailTheGoldfish · 15/01/2013 07:13

Are you supporting her through uni OP? Paying for rent or other living costs?

thebody · 15/01/2013 07:30

Well ours were supported enough at uni. A car is a luxury they can bloody well buy themselves.

Times and circumstances change. Yrnbu.

firesidechat · 15/01/2013 08:13

I totally agree about treating children the same and not playing favourites, however that doesn't mean treating them identically.

One of our daughters used to be terrible with money and we bailed her out many times and also contributed a considerable sum to her wedding.

Other daughter is very careful with her finances and has never needed help. She is now at uni and we are giving her something for rent etc. We will also pay towards her wedding.

It's swings and roundabouts. We have treated each situation on it's merits and tried to be fair.

This is my long winded way of saying that you don't need to buy your daughter a car. She has been treated fairly, but by other means ie laptop.

firesidechat · 15/01/2013 08:15

Just to add. Daughter at uni has had to share my car for years and still does when she is home. Didn't do her any harm.