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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about leaving my husband over a bike?

134 replies

Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 13:31

Sorry,a bit long. I'm currently on parental leave following ML. My ft job has relocated and we would have to move for me to continue with my company so I'm taking as much (unpaid) leave as possible before having to make that decision. I've been looking for another job locally and was offered one on Wednesday. My OH is being made redundant end of march. On Wednesday after telling him I'd had an offer he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600. I'm fuming because a. We don't know about his work situation from march and b. I don't know if I want to take the job and c. I had thought I'd made it very clear I didn't want him buying a new bike as he still owes a couple of thousand on his credit card. Now after doing a bit of checking (he left a web page open on his iPad) it seems very unlikely bike was £600 and was probably more like £2000!
I took both DCs last night and stayed away but am thinking of whether I need to do more? Thoughts please??

OP posts:
Narked · 11/01/2013 14:53

No. They're just on a defend DP/Hs trip.

rhinobaby · 11/01/2013 14:54

If he bought over the Internet, distance selling means he is entitled to return within 7 days for a full refund. Go home,stop him using bike, and get him to send it back!

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:56

Hang on.
Where has the DH been defended.

I just said that the whole 'leave the bastard' crap that comes up so often is over the top.

I have also clearly said that it needs sorting and that what he has done is wrong.

Love selective readers.

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 14:57

Oh come on now, if it was only 600 quid he wouldn't have told her not to be so silly and to come home. He hasn't. 3.5k on that website.

AThingInYourLife · 11/01/2013 14:57

He's a thief.

He's putting you in debt without telling you.

Good fathers don't take money from their children to spend on bicycles they can't afford.

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 14:58

No, I believe he bought it in that he said he had (he is never criminally minded) and there are bags from the bike shop with the manual etc. However, I can't find a receipt only a refunded deposit of £20 for a trial ride and an unsigned collection order from the shop. I imagine the receipt is hidden away somewhere! He's been obsessively reading all the magazines and is easily persuaded that spending more gets you more, even when he doesn't need it. When i thought the bike cost £600 I pointed out to him that i don't own anything that cost £600 - not even my wedding/engagement ring.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 15:00

You said at 14:45 that you hoped there was logical explanation i.e. that he borrowed the bike or something.

He clearly has not just borrowed it and your problem with him and his huge problem with spending still remain.

Good point about distance selling regs (assuming it has not been used that is?)

Tiiiny · 11/01/2013 15:04

They wouldn't charge him for a trial ride if it wasn't a very expensive bike. This is not to stop people stealing it, it's to avoid time-wasters who only want to see what it's like to ride a carbon fibre road bike.

BigShinyBaubles · 11/01/2013 15:06

I would go ape-shit if my oh lied like that.
Why does he need such an expensive bike?
I certainly wouldn't leave the family home, talk things over if he doesn't send it back, apologise etc boot him -and his bikes- out..for the betrayal.

keely79 · 11/01/2013 15:07

First of all - this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. Any purchase that big should be a joint decision - regardless of who earns the money.

However, do you think this could be a bit of an "ostrich" moment from him - some men find it very difficult to cope with the blow to their ego from being unemployed/potentially unemployed. Do you think this is his way of distracting himself/avoiding the difficult questions coming up - i.e. he doesn't want to think about the precarious nature of your finances so is acting as though they don't exist?

If so, maybe a clear and honest conversation where you both get all of your bank statements out, work out what is owed where, what your monthly required outgoings are, and therefore how much is left in the kitty once all necessary items are paid, would clarify in both of your minds what your situation is.

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 15:17

Good point, keely79. There may be something of that. Perhaps he feels as his age he should be more "successful" and buying an expensive bike will give him some status (only to those who would know it was expensive, obviously).
I recently completed a budgeting course so I know all the outgoings, my incomings etc. the only question is how much he owes.

Can he return the bike under a 7 day cooling off period??

OP posts:
keely79 · 11/01/2013 15:22

Whether you can return it might depend on whether it has been customised in any way (common with expensive bikes) or used.

It is good that you have done the budgeting course, but it's probably important to feed his information in plus also making sure that he knows about it too - it has to be a joint process. If he can clearly see that there is only £x left over at the end of every month, he'll be able to see more clearly the impact of spending £y on a bike.

Also, as part of that process, run some disaster scenarios - ie what would happen if your income halved, what would happen if there was an unexpected emergency like a burst boiler, etc. Stress testing your means can be useful to establish in both partners' minds the financial reality and the importance of, if possible, putting some money aside for emergencies rather than blowing it on unessentials.

NoMoreMarbles · 11/01/2013 15:29

i wouldn't LTB...i would kick him out on his bike...

My DH sometimes has whimsies of buying things massively out of our price range but as he has respect for me and our DD he doesnt act on them...

i suspect that as another poster has pointed out, He sees "His" money being paid into the pot and decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers and splash out on a totally unnecessary luxury that costs more than the average second hand car! a bike? a frigging BIKE! and more to the point, an impulse purchase for an item he already owns one of and that hasnt been used for 6 MONTHS? what a selfish arse!

You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that this bike goesa back to the shop he bought it from, as he clearly cant be trusted with financial decisions then ALL finances are to be joinly discussed BEFORE a big/medium/small purchase is made and this selfish spending stops NOW!

If this is too much of a stretch suggest he goes and lives elsewhere for a while until he can sort out his priorities into an acceptable order (DCs,You,family security,him, ridiculous purchases etc- if the latter adversely affects the former then it is a straight NO to the latter...)

Thistledew · 11/01/2013 15:42

As a cyclist, I can tell you that he has broken a cardinal rule of bike buying. There is a 'rule' that is often joked about amongst cyclists to define the number of bikes you should own. It is expressed in a mathematical function as being equal to n+1 (where n is the number of bikes you own) and also s-1 (where s is the amount of bikes that would cause your partner to leave you).

It is said jokingly, but has a serious point behind it. Cycling is an addictive sport that quite often ends up being expensive too. It is very easy to get lured into the idea that if you buy a newer, lighter, shinier bike you will suddenly find it much easier to cycle up that hill. The s-1 part is a reminder that you have other obligations in your life and that an expensive bike is not always sensible or necessary.

Tell him that he's a twat and has broken Rule no. 12.

ThereGoesTheYear · 11/01/2013 15:46

He's been selfish and dishonest. And dismissive when you voiced your concerns. The latter feels like a bigger deal to me.

He has not shown evidence of being financially responsible. When you're on ML, caring for yours and his child, you're using your own savings. Yet more selfishness. He obviously doesn't like sharing 'his' money and is going to make sure his redundancy money goes on toys for himself, and cross his fingers that your job works out.

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 16:00

Thank you all for your suggestions Thanks. Glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable about being really annoyed about it all. Hopefully he will see sense and return bike and we can put measures in place so that this wont be repeated

OP posts:
Tiiiny · 11/01/2013 16:01

Grin @ Thistledew

Yfronts · 11/01/2013 16:10

I'd ask him to return the bike or leave

Yfronts · 11/01/2013 16:11

I think if he had been cycling non stop for years and discussed buying the bike beforehand and finances were ok, there wouldn't be a problem

pictish · 11/01/2013 16:24

What a stupid, selfish, spoiled, juvenile, irresonsible thing to do! Yanbu!

AThingInYourLife · 11/01/2013 16:35

You forgot dishonest, pictish.

Crinkle77 · 11/01/2013 16:38

OMG what a selfish git. I don't know what it is about men. When women make a decision they consider the impact it will have on the whole family whereas men just seem to do what they want

ecuse · 11/01/2013 16:51

I would be pretty cross and I've only skim read the thread but I would say YANBU to be furious but YABU to just leave like that. Seems like a bit of an overreaction for a 'first offense'. Does he have form for behaving like this? Have you actually had a sensible conversation about it yet? You said you're hoping there's an innocent explanation but unless I've missed something you've just flounced out without waiting to see whether there is.

pictish · 11/01/2013 16:59

Ah yes...what a stupid, selfish, spoiled, juvenile, irresponsible, dishonest thing to do!

I'd lose all respect to be honest. This is the sort of thing people do when they're 18 and have their first credit card.
He does not need a £3000 bike. He's not special...he doesn't deserve it, and what's more - he can't bloody well afford it. What a clown!!

fuzzpig · 11/01/2013 17:10

I'm just idly wondering what ~£3k is as a rough percentage of his income? While I do think his purchase is irresponsible regardless of what he earns - given that his job is soon disappearing - I would think that this is much worse offence if he earns £20k than if he earns £80k, if that makes any sense.

My gut reaction to the cost - even at 'only' £600 was that it is unthinkable, but then my wages are under £16k and we only allow ourselves £20pcm 'pocket money'. I guess if he is a big earner it won't have seemed like such a big deal.

Not that any of it excuses the lying of course.