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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about leaving my husband over a bike?

134 replies

Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 13:31

Sorry,a bit long. I'm currently on parental leave following ML. My ft job has relocated and we would have to move for me to continue with my company so I'm taking as much (unpaid) leave as possible before having to make that decision. I've been looking for another job locally and was offered one on Wednesday. My OH is being made redundant end of march. On Wednesday after telling him I'd had an offer he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600. I'm fuming because a. We don't know about his work situation from march and b. I don't know if I want to take the job and c. I had thought I'd made it very clear I didn't want him buying a new bike as he still owes a couple of thousand on his credit card. Now after doing a bit of checking (he left a web page open on his iPad) it seems very unlikely bike was £600 and was probably more like £2000!
I took both DCs last night and stayed away but am thinking of whether I need to do more? Thoughts please??

OP posts:
yani · 11/01/2013 14:04

He needs to grow up.

Can you log back into the website and cancel the order? Bit sneaky I know, but he started it!

Failing that, phone the cc company and see if they can cancel it.

Such selfish behaviour. I'd go fecking mental.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/01/2013 14:05

How are your finances set up?

Do you have a joint account?

Is your name jointly in the mortgage, what about bank accounts?

I would be looking to seperate myself from his finances immediately.

I'd also sell his bike and pay off the credit card debt he has racked up under your name.

But then I would not consider there to be any future with a man like this.

yani · 11/01/2013 14:06

Sorry, just seen he has already taken delivery of it.

He needs to manage his finances.

I agree, tell him to leave and take his effing bike with him

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:08

Fucking hell.

Hang fire here.

Clearly he's fucked up and has issues with spending, but you have DCs there is major change taking place in your lives, how the fuck is ending your marriage now, over this without trying to work through it and get him to explain himself and perhaps show that he can change his ways, a good thing to do?

How is sneakily logging in as him, any better behaviour than he's exhibited. Not to mention fraudulent?

I can't believe some of the advice people give on here.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:09

Last message not to OP, just a general statement to all the 'leave the bastard' mentality that pervades this sight.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:09

site site

MarilynValentine · 11/01/2013 14:09

Yes he needs to leave, not you.

And if you end up splitting up and selling the house I hope you get your full deposit back too, before dividing the equity.

What a selfish person. Impossible to trust someone like that.

Unless he sells/returns the bike I can't see how you can move forwards from here.

Tiiiny · 11/01/2013 14:09

Must be a nice bike though

MarilynValentine · 11/01/2013 14:11

DamnBamboo I disagree. In this case I think the level of selfishness he's shown - just entirely thinking and acting as if the needs of his family are negligible - is really serious shit.

RooneyMara · 11/01/2013 14:13

I need to know what the bike is Grin Sorry, motor or push?

He's being unreasonable whichever.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:13

OF course it is serious.

But something this serious requires a frank, sit-down discussion along the lines of 'this needs to change or we are done'.

Rash decisions like this, under these circumstances are not a good idea.

I don't think that buying this bike demonstrates that he thinks his families needs are negligible

curryeater · 11/01/2013 14:14

"He wouldn't discuss it, just rolled his eyes." OMG that is making me fume, that is the most disrespectful thing ever (well no not really, not relative to the rest, I suppose I mean it is indicative of the whole attitude that caused the rest).
I have a good friend whose husband used to do this. In front of people. He was very selfish and always trying to drag the family off on wild goose chases to suit him for stupid reasons. She would say "but why do you want to x when y would..." and lay out a completely sane alternative plan. Instead of arguing, he would roll his eyes as if she was a nutter and sometimes do it at other people as if trying to draw them into agreeing she was bonkers. They are now separated.

MadCap · 11/01/2013 14:14

If my dh did something like this, I'd probably ltb too. We absolutely never spend more than £100 without discussing it first (except weekly shop) and things aren't particularly tight.

oldraver · 11/01/2013 14:15

Did he buy it online or go into a shop and get it ? If its online he may be able to send it back

I thought the huge tv was bad enough

Piffpaffpoff · 11/01/2013 14:15

What make of bike is it?

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 14:15

When I was working ft we paid an equal amount into a joint account. When I went onto SMP he increased his amount to cover household costs. I use CB and my savings for any personal costs. I only know the amount of his credit card because I accidentally opened the envelope one day and was shocked he was paying almost 30% in interest. I insisted he changed credit cards. He has three children altogether - my two and a teenager who lives with her mum.

OP posts:
yani · 11/01/2013 14:17

DamnBamboo. I suggested logging in as him tongue in cheek.

Apology accepted.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:18

No apology offered.

You actually said 'bit cheeky I know, but he started it' - not obviously tongue in cheek at all

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:19

Tell him it goes back or he leaves.

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:21

And it can be sold if it can't be returned to the place he bought it from - specialist bike sites etc. Even if it means stripping it and selling the parts.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:22

So he has managed to show some responsible actions with regards to covering household costs in the past when you had less coming in? At least this is something.

Maybe, work with that and try to get him to see the error of his ways, get him to cut up his cards or keep all but one and then ensure that it is frozen in a block of ice in the freezer so he has to think about his spending.

I often find when something has annoyed me to the extent that I would explode, I have to explain it in clear terms and make sure my DH understands why

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 14:24

It's a push bike, like this www.thebikefactory.co.uk/productdetails.asp?productid=65482
The shop confirmed an ex demo 2012 model would be £2775.

We do have two children and he is a good dad and generally we get on really well so I don't want to end the relationship over this but am worried that this is symptomatic of something more, that can be repaired and could affect us all badly in the long run. However, having no dad around all the time could too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 14:25

Meant to say, can't be repaired, not can.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 11/01/2013 14:27

Bloody hell. What an immature twat. YANBU, it's not so much the bike as the unbelievably selfish attitude it represents!

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:27

Your last post is sensible OP. Say all of this to him, as calmly as possible and make it clear that this is a big deal to you.

Good luck and I really hope he sorts his shit out.

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