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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think about leaving my husband over a bike?

134 replies

Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 13:31

Sorry,a bit long. I'm currently on parental leave following ML. My ft job has relocated and we would have to move for me to continue with my company so I'm taking as much (unpaid) leave as possible before having to make that decision. I've been looking for another job locally and was offered one on Wednesday. My OH is being made redundant end of march. On Wednesday after telling him I'd had an offer he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600. I'm fuming because a. We don't know about his work situation from march and b. I don't know if I want to take the job and c. I had thought I'd made it very clear I didn't want him buying a new bike as he still owes a couple of thousand on his credit card. Now after doing a bit of checking (he left a web page open on his iPad) it seems very unlikely bike was £600 and was probably more like £2000!
I took both DCs last night and stayed away but am thinking of whether I need to do more? Thoughts please??

OP posts:
yani · 11/01/2013 14:30

Damn - Exactly. Said in a child-like manner.
(Some may even go as far as calling it humour)

OP - Could you get some adult time this weekend sans kids to sit down with him and try to sort out the finances in a non-confrontational way?

If you decide to be a SAHM or work pt the money issues / personal debt will be longer term, and could become more serious.

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:31

I'd say you need to make him understand that this is an issue that you will leave him over, because at the moment he's not even listening to you. Then you need to sit down with him and find out exactly how much he owes and on what cards. Tell him it's his one and only chance to be honest with you about it. Less money has been coming in - have you noticed him spending less on himself? You'll need to steel yourself because, just like the bike, it will be much more than you would have imagined.

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 14:32

The funny thing is that his dad did something similar recently - came into some money (ppi refund) and said, great that's my new iPad paid for. When my husband's mum said no, you don't need another iPad he ignored her and bought one anyway. We even talked about how annoyed I would be if he behaved like that. Maybe he is having a midlife crisis Confused

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 11/01/2013 14:33

Yes I would leave the prick over this.

I cannot abide the financially incontinent.

Sallyingforth · 11/01/2013 14:34

I don't understand why you are leaving, OP.
He is the one in the wrong and he is the one who should be leaving.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:34

yani i am not going to fight with you over this.

What you write and how you would say it verbally are not the same thing. Child-like manner would have been implied if a silly grin were added or something. You didn't, you then suggested ringing in to cancel his CC.

Nothing about your statement implied humour at all. I've read it again and it sounds pissed off and harsh humourous and child-like.

Anyway, it doesn't matter really does it. It would seem as though OP has said that DH has managed to be financially responsible in the past and it not a total bastard so there is still hope

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:34

The difference being that his father at least waited until the money was in his account.

Tiiiny · 11/01/2013 14:36

That is a gorgeous bike but unless he is Bradley Wiggins he doesn't need a bike like that.

balia · 11/01/2013 14:36

Sounds like a massive sense of entitlement. He is the only one working, so in his head, all the money of the household is his to do with as he wishes.

My DH loves 'stuff' and we have disagreed over expenditure in the past (ie things he wanted to buy) but he would never just go and buy it as if I didn't count.

If he spends all his redundancy on himself that is going to force you to work again, isn't it? Do you think that is his plan?

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:37

'has managed to be financially responsible in the past'

Where did you read that? He's had a card at 30% interest that was only changed when the OP found out about it and confronted him over it. Paying bills is not the same as being responsible. Especially when you're not seeing all the bills and don't know where the money is coming from (credit cards.)

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 14:38

More like symptomatic of how he feels his desires are more important than the security of the family.

Like father like son, sexist twats maybe?

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 14:40

Tiiiny, I agree. It baffles me. His new year resolution was to ride from London to Paris. He has a hybrid bike and I agree that wouldn't be suitable. However, as he's only using the bike on a (new, £80) stand in the shed, I thought it hardly mattered at the moment anyway. Beside until last week he hadn't been on a bike for 6 months and could change his mind about it all in another month. He recently gave up smoking. Is it a substitute fixation??

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:41

He put more money into the account from his salary when OP was on SMP so bills got paid.

If he was a completely selfish dick (as opposed to a selfish dick) he wouldn't have bothered.

I would say that it is responsible to pay bills, especially household ones.

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:42

You can be the nicest person in the world and still have issues with managing money that can screw up your family's financial security.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:44

Of course you can. Who said you couldn't? I think we are talking at cross-purposes here.

I agree with your post earlier on this page and have said it myself. Sit down and sort it out and let him know that this behaviour can't continue.

All things considered, OP has in fact herself said some nice things about the guy too

Original poster
Opossum99 · 11/01/2013 14:45

Balia, you might be right. Certainly I feel nervous about not working. My mother was a Sahm and I never want to be financially dependent on another like she was.
I'm hoping there is a logical explanation for all this I.e. he just borrowed the bike or something..

OP posts:
Narked · 11/01/2013 14:46

With what you've said about him and money I would not be planning to SAH full time.

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:47

Are you saying now you aren't even sure if he bought
the bike?

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:48

Could it have fallen off the back of a lorry?

Tricycletops · 11/01/2013 14:50

I would certainly be considering my position here but I know I have dad issues with this kind of behaviour. I think you do need to talk to him about it though - not ever having a proper conversation about these things was one of the things I think my mother did wrong...

Tiiiny · 11/01/2013 14:50

I'm the same as your partner, to an extent. I want to do a triathlon and the kit you need is expensive. The worst thing is the magazines that basically try to sell you top pro stuff, carbon fibre bikes etc. and convince you that you need them. Fact is you can get an excellent second hand or a good new road bike, suitable for long, fast races, for about £500 or less. The flash bike won't make much of a difference to him, except it's more likely to get nicked on the way.

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:51

'he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600'

A bike that should cost well over £2k.

kerala · 11/01/2013 14:51

Is Damnbamboo the DH?!

Narked · 11/01/2013 14:52

If he's telling the truth about the price it already has been Tiiny

DamnBamboo · 11/01/2013 14:53

kerala Grin

No, I am not.

I am the holder of the purse-strings within this house so this issue wouldn't happen (that and my Dh doesn't buy a lot). But I grow up with a father who was utterly hopeless with money (still is) so perhaps have some different insight.