For just wanting my DC to go to school

[cathkidstonbag]

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

Cath You didnt make them alone, he needs to take some responsibility, you need to get tough with him, or boot him out, he obviously dont give a shit.

You have proved to yourself you can manage alone.

Cath you need a good lawyer. You could take him to the cleaners.

Fucking horrible arsehole of a man.

You will manage financially and be much happier without him.

Your husband is a complete twat. You sound lovely, please get some support and kick him into touch!

Oh dear god, the more I read of this the more I think you need to leave this man. He's controlling your life. Please stop letting this happen. You shouldn't have to justify any money you spend! You shouldn't be made to cook separate meals/or not use the slow cooker - he sounds pathetic. And he's 'cold' towards your 6 year old, what a mean bastard.
You don't seem to be listening to anyone's advice on here, instead coming out with more examples of his horrible behaviour - do yourself and your dcs a huge favour and try to put a STOP this now before you have a breakdown, and he ruins the children's perspective of an adult relationship forever.

cath if you divorce him, you will be entitled to a share of the house, and he will need to make maintenance payments, so you could well be better off financially without him. You will undoubtably be better off emotionally without him.

You are a very strong woman to bear this and still have some sense of who you are! But please, please, start making an exit plan. To continue in this situation is damaging to you and your DC. You probably won't realise how much until you are out of it.

Am I right in thinking that you see your business as a way out on some level? I wonder if he know this too (even if only subconsciously) - he is using money to control you and keep you as his possession. However new businesses are risky (as I'm sure you know) and I reckon it probably makes sense to start making plans sooner than that.

I think you need to know about where you stand. Why not go and see a divorce laywer just to find out how it works and what it's likely you'd be entitled to. (He doesn't need to know, you're not committing to a divorce, just getting information!)

And if you think in your heart of hearts that divorce is on the cards eventually (and it should be IMO, you're being abused) I'd advise you to seriously think about getting on with it: legal aid for divorce is disappearing in April IIRC. If you divorce him now, you'll may well get a much better deal for you and your DCs.

Maybe put off relying on the business to get you out just for now? He's going to make it as hard as he can. And instead work on getting your independence from this abusive man, as a precursor to setting up your business and starting a new life.

I was in an abusive relationship before. I am now with a wonderful man who is my best friend and would go out of his way to do anything for me and the DCs. (DP used to be a chef and does all the cooking for example. We share stuff like bedtime, baths and cleaning, even in periods when he's working and I'm not). You deserve to be well treated, you really don't deserve the existence you're enduring right now, nor do your DCs. But only you can do something about it. Your H won't change, the only way to get change is to get away from him.

The bed thing - you will get loads of negative posts about this. Just to say, I have a friend in a 20 year marriage which I believe to be pretty good, though I know they have ups and downs like most of us. They do this, they sleep better that way. In itself I don't think it is significant.

Cath, if he says that to your DD, that is horrible. But your Dd has had days, months, years of you loving her. She will be upset because it is a horrible thing for anyone to say, not because she believes it is true.

Eddie, I think it's significant if it hasn't been discussed and agreed.

And I see the thread has now gone the usual " leave the bastard" way. Things are always worse when you have a run of illness. They can get better. Maybe if you change stuff (like how you cook!) it will help. You can't change what he does, but you can change what you do and see if it helps or if he moans like a child and becomes unbearable

OP you are in a bad bad situation.

Look at the difference between these two scenarios.

Husband works long hours. Wife SAHM and does all cooking cleaning etc.
Husband (quite reasonably) expects not to have to cook dinner himself when he gets in late at 8.30 pm every day.
Wife ensures dinner is ready for husband, either a stew in sllow cooker, plate to be reheated from earlier or even a lovely m&s ready meal.

Scenario A

Hisband comes home. Wife heats up food. Man goes upstairs to give his DCs a good night kiss. Man eats dinner and says thank you.

Scenario B

Man refuses to eat food as its not been made just for him to his specification. Man does not go and kiss children. Man treats wife like shit.

You don't see it OP, but he's a total fucking cunt.

You think staying with him is best for the children but if my dad had been so cold he left me crying in bed whenever he was left alone with me, I would not have thanked my mum for staying with him.

Get yourself some kind of counselling as you obvs have deep rooted issues around serving people and your self worth.

AIBU to be tired and fed up because H is a knob - YANBU, he sounds a total nightmare! I don't even know where to start with this one.

TBH I wouldn't leave the bastard. I think I would poison him with a lovingly prepared casserole just for him.

greatUncleEddie, I agree that sleeping separately or in a comfy way is not of itself alarming, I do it myself. However, this is not what cath is reporting, rather her husband puts pillows to keep her out on her side, that's very rejecting and not a mutual decision. These things are very delicate which is why both parties should agree to any separation in beds/bedding and for it to not impact the intimacy of the relationship, this is not the case here as there is little intimacy and it is very much a reflection of the coldness that pervades the whole situation.

GreatUncleEddie - on it's own, the bed thing wouldn't be an issue (apart form the pillows being on her side only, not down the middle), but as part of a a wider pattern of behaviour it's just one more strange thing.

Could I make it a slow cooker casserole?!!

I am taking on board everything that's being said. Things will be easier when I can actually get back out of the house again and I can get my thoughts back on track.

Thanks for all of the help.

Your H is shortchanging you and his kids massively. Marriage is not always about splitting everything 50/50 but it should be fair to both of you and you should be a team. Doesn't sound that way at all. He sees you as much lower down the scale to him, to the point that only his needs and opinions count. In terms of money and resources, what's yours is his but what's his is only his - how is that fair? And flat out refusing to do certain tasks when you are ill and need him to pick up the slack is not what a decent person does, nor is it what someone who really loves and cares for you does.

Seriously, don't cook for him ever again tonight. Tell him straight you have been too ill and busy and he will have to sort something out himself. Have you done this at all before? If so, what happens?

And reactive the child benefit. He is being unfair to decide himself that you won't get it when it is the only money you have access to. So much wrong with this. A decent man would be ashamed to think he kept his wife and children short of money. There are men on here who would back this up.

Cath, You cook dinner, you make what ya like, how ya like and when ya like, he dont like it, its starve or make his own.

Snazzy he will cook if he has to. But I find it difficult. If I'm missing an ingredient then when I'm cooking I just work round that. So for example if we are out of mushrooms for bolognese then I will just make it without. He will bang and crash around, huffing and puffing. Then slam out of the door to go to the supermarket muttering about how it needs to be made properly. I find that really stressful. I have issues around good anyhow and I need to keep things calm then. That probably makes me sound really fussy.

If I am ill and can't cook then he will do himself beans on toast but complain about it.

Re: the child benefit, before he went online to cancel it I discussed it with him. Said I felt it was demeaning at my age to have to ask him for money and could he set up a direct debit to go into my account from the joint one? I agreed to half the CB money because we are not that well off. But he's refused to do that now.

Yes you can cath but you will have to pop it into a casserole dish and put it in the oven before he comes home.

OP, I am on the verge of tears for you
For 9 years of my childhood my mum was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and so many of the things you say your DH does/says sounds just like him.

It ruined so much of my life and my mum's life, until she managed to get out. Please don't let that carry on for you and your children, you deserve so so much better.

Massive hugs for you OP

op, your dh sounds just like mine (i always get the 'leave the bastard' response on here too), i dred my dd's getting ill as i know dh wont take 10 minutes off work to sit with one when i take the other to school, in the past when one has been very ill i have had to keep the other one off as i cant get them to school. Dh would get himself a take away on the way home though to save me cooking for him.

I do have sympathy for you, my dd's were ill on and off before christmas with flu and ear infections, i seemed to just get one back to school and the other would be ill (luckily they were not very ill so i could drag them out on the school run), i was pulling my hair out not being able to go anywhere .

Hope all your dc's are beter soon and you manahe to get a whole week next week with no dc's home.

Cath, if you're losing child benefit then I assume he earns over 50K at least? So it strikes me that while you might not feel well off as a family, for him it's very much I'm All Right Jack.

Your fussiness is probably at least partly from living with such a miserable git! How about you get a tin of beans out, loaf of bread out and point and say 'There you go, your job for the night'. Then just tune out the moaning.

He has nicely set things up so it is 'less trouble' to just do it his way than to challenge anything. That's not uncommon but it is not right, not at all. I know it seems very hard but you need to start pushing back on this and gathe your strength. You sound very bright and capable, just very dragged down.

cathkidstonbag I've read through the whole thread ( unusual for me, bit lazy you see) and one major issue is how he perceives you and the children.

He sounds like a throwback from the distant past, wife seen but not heard, children neither seen nor heard! Who goes to parents evenings? Who goes to the nativity play? Visits the school to meet the teachers?

And at the weekends, does he take the DCs to any clubs like football and meet the other parents? In short, does he play any role in the children's lives at all, or take any interest in who they spend time with and how they are getting on?

I'm getting all sorts of warning signals. For a start, his obsession with your performance as a housewife will be transferred onto the children. He'll be all over their results and report cards when they are bigger criticising if they are not A*, while not actually helping them at all.

Also, why is your only income child benefit? Where is his money going? Does he do any of the household chores at all, eg grocery shopping on weekends, hoovering, whatever.

Worried about you OP!