Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For just wanting my DC to go to school

312 replies

cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 06:38

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 11/01/2013 09:51

Also- I don't know if this would help, but I would think of yourself as a single mum , which to all intents and purposes you are anyway. Think of how well you do cope on your own without any help at all, ok, it's been a hard month, but you got through it. Stopping expecting him to help and constantly hand-wringing over the fact he never does (which will not change now) might actually free you up emotionally. In fact, being a single mum might look a darn sight more attractive option than having a partner who does nothing around the house/with the kids (yes, I get he provides the money, but in this day and age, it's not typical to then get a free pass to do nothing with your wife or children for the entire week!)

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/01/2013 09:51

Well, how about you do what you need to do until the kids are back at school, hopefully Monday, then you read this thread and take note of what people are saying - it is not right :( It is an awful way to be living and the worst part is that you are so conditioned to it, you don't see how awful it is. If you want even more brutal honestly, post in Relationships. Change name if you really want to and be brutally honest. It really is sad :( I hope you and the kids are all feeling better soon x

freeandhappy · 11/01/2013 09:52

Move to relationships? This is absolutely horrible OP. he has done a real number on you Sad. Try to get a copy of Lundy bancrofts book inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Maybe you can start slowly trying to liberate yourself? Your husband sounds like your master not your loving partner.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 10:01

Thank you all very very much. I posted kind of expecting to be flamed for not being more sympathetic to my kids being ill!

I have thought of myself as a single mum really for quite a while but every now and then think maybe if I just made more effort? Stupid I know. I really don't mind doing the majority of the house stuff, but when I'm there close to tears begging him for help I don't expect to get told to rehome the dog. All he needed to do was hug me and make me a cup of tea. I didn't expect him to solve it all or stay home. I never get a hug, I guess that isn't normal either?

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 10:04

Cath you need to address some serious issues:

Being cold to his children.
Being a control freak.
Getting stroppy over how dinner is cooked.
Wont walk the dog, even at the weekend.
Sees you as a skivvy.
Wont help with your business, (i.e. trying to make sure you are financially dependant.

Your husband is a massive dick, if things need doing and your there, then you do them, if hes around then he should be doing things too, its not just your responsibility.

freeandhappy · 11/01/2013 10:11

I think you must be a very strong and resourceful person to have managed in such a horrible demoralizing situation. The thing is that all your strengths are being used to make HIS life better. Why don't you support yourself. Who is on your side? He isn't. Start redirecting your energy to yourself. It sounds like things are getting worse not better by the way. I think you are fooling yourself there. You are now in a worse position as regards money. He won't help you with your business as he doesn't want you to have any power or control. He may subtly sabotage you and you will feel like shit Sad

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/01/2013 10:17

No love, that's not normal either :(

I want to hug you and I don't even know you!

I haven't read the book, but it comes highly recommended.

Startail · 11/01/2013 10:20

DH definitely needs to learn how to operate a MW.

Heating up stew or pasta bake while you walk the dog, go to the gym or go swimming- Which was my one night a week off from small DDs should not beyond him.

You need to get him far better trained.

Or you need to ensure he eats a hot dinner at lunch time or grabs a pasty in the car coming home.

He needs to understand that SAHMs need down time out of the house to stay sane.

Flopping on the sofa where you can still see the mess, hear non asleep DCs does not count.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 10:21

I've got the book. Was hoping it might contain some little microchip I could insert into him (who knows where?!!) and make him nicer. Sadly it didn't.

It seems so easy to just leave but I have friends who have done that (for other reasons) and generally knobber husbands don't turn amenable and nice when you leave them, they tell me. If anything they up the ante. That doesn't sound fun either.

Right off to bleach my bathroom and watch cbeebies, I can feel my brain cells dying by the minute....!

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 10:23

I'm just going to throw this one out here while I'm on a roll. Feel free to comment.....
AIBU to think its not normal for a H to put pillows down the middle of the bed so his wife doesn't inadvertently touch him in the night? Can't really ask RL friends that one....

OP posts:
mummytime · 11/01/2013 10:25

YANBU - I was mildly cross when my DH decided to work at home on the first day all 3 of my kids were at school.

YWNBU to post in relationships - and I haven't read everything. If he is off work with a cough, he can watch a child who has been sick. He can also cook for himself/use the microwave or starve. My teenage DC can feed themselves some meals, and they are not particularly well trained.

If the dog is a family pet, then it is everyones responsibility. Including your H.

I really hope this helps you sort out your life.

Mumsyblouse · 11/01/2013 10:27

Oh Cath, I'm so sorry. Your husband is really nasty. I don't like being touched in the night as I like my sleep but I would never do this, and if I do move away from my husband in the night, I do so after lots of cuddles and taking his feelings into account. If there's no hugs, no touching in the night, he's cold with the children, it just sounds awful. I'm sorry but I can't actually see how him not being there would be worse, he doesn't do anything anyway and you have to cope with continual rejection and pretend it doesn't matter. I would rather live in a small happy house on my own with lots of cuddles with my kids than this very cold man.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 10:27

Cath What? No that aint normal, its weird and disrespectful, hes getting weirder by the minute, if he dont wanna be touched, he can sleep on the sofa.

mummytime · 11/01/2013 10:29

Oh he is really doing one to you? That is not normal behaviour from your H.

Okay if you get rid of a knobber - he may try to up the ante. BUT you have long periods without him. You don't do his cooking, shopping, washing etc., you can parent your kids how you want to. You can ask people for favours/buy in help without feeling ashamed because he is at home.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 10:30

It sounds like this man, doesnt want a wife or a family, he just wants a skivvy and to prove how manly he is by making children.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 10:30

I have cold feet apparently :S

He does it if youngest is ill and in the bed too. So on my side is me, her and the pillows (they go on my side), on his side is ummmm just him!! I can take the pillows away if "I want him" apparently. Strangely enough I don't want him.

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 11/01/2013 10:32

I don't usually comment on these sorts of threads but I am Shock but and happy that you are finally realising that your DP is not treating you very well. I'm not a SAHM, work part-time. DP works fulltime and earns twice what I do. But all money is OUR money, when we are both at home (evenings and weekends) we share childcare 50/50 (in fact he probably does more at the minute). On the days I don't work it is my "job" to look after the kids - that's it. Whoever is home first cooks, and whoever is being cooked for is grateful to the other one (whether food is cooked in oven or slowcooker!).

What exactly does your DP contribute to the relationship???

If you are happy to continue with things the way they are then that is your choice - but what sort of example is your relationship setting for your kids?

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 10:32

Haha, Cold feet, thats the most ridiculous excuse ever, most men would make you a hot water bottle, to warm your feet.

fraidknot · 11/01/2013 10:36

When you meet someone at 17 and you come from a totally dysfunctional family.....how do you know what's right? And when you realise it's not it takes a very long time to realise why!!

Can you please read this back to yourself and realise that this is the very situation yoiur children could end up in.
You seem to be on the verge of realising you really can do it alone, I really hope you find the strength to follow through with it.

amicissimma · 11/01/2013 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 10:39

fraidknot
Emotionally and physically I can cope on my own. Financially no. And all the typing numbers into benefit calculators doesn't make me think differently. I need my business to work so I can at least have a bit of money to go with. That's what makes sitting at home so frustrating. I have to get out of the house to sort things out and I can't.

OP posts:
Thewhingingdefective · 11/01/2013 10:41

YANBU.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 10:42

He won't kick up when I walk out. He will just shrug and tell DC that mummy wasn't worried enough about her to stay home and look after her. She will cry and he will ignore her. She isn't a spoilt brat but she will need attention, especially if she is being sick. It makes me sound like a martyr saying I can't leave her, but if she's ill I can't. They are my responsibility and I know that.

OP posts:
freeandhappy · 11/01/2013 10:44

I don't know about normal but it makes me want to cry just thinking about it and I'm a toughie. This is horrible. Maybe I'm premenstrual because I've read an awful lot on mn but this is getting to me. I think it's all the cheerful exclamation marks. Cath I hope you have a nice day today. Be good to yourself.

Andro · 11/01/2013 10:44

Cath, this is so far away from 'normal' it's not even in the same galaxy! Your husband needs a reality check, some therapy and a boot up the backside. You need a lot of support, some sleep and possibly a 'surgeon' who is trained to remove poisonous carbuncles like your husband (also known as a divorce lawyer) if he doesn't get his head out of his butt.

You're the only one who can change your situation, your current situations does not sound healthy at all.

Sending loads of cyber-hugs your way!