Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For just wanting my DC to go to school

312 replies

cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 06:38

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

OP posts:
BeaWheesht · 11/01/2013 09:09

When you do the school run does your ill child come too? If so couldn't they manage at least a short walk At lunch say? If not could whoever watches them not wait a wee bit extra so you can walk the dog?

Alternatively couldn't you walk dog on school run and wait at gates and get kids to come to you - my eldest is 6 and his school would allow this if I per arranged it - your youngest is 6 right? Then dog wouldn't need to be tied up or alone. If people overstep the mark - tell them. I have a recently rescued very cute dog who is horrendous for jumping and pulling on the lead - I tell kids to just say hello because I'm trying to train him to be a good dog in my dreams

What are you going to do tomorrow? Go out in your own?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:10

Chipping - I know I do. It's really upsetting me that I can't do anything about it. I can't go and meet people with a vomiting small child in tow!!
It's not my money. I could have some if I had a reason. I just want to cry when I think about having to justify a cup of coffee out. I have some savings thankfully but they won't last long.

OP posts:
cory · 11/01/2013 09:10

My dh works exactly the same hours: he leaves the house at 5.30 and comes back at 7. I work part time and consequently should be doing more of the house work. However, there are some pretty major differences:

he accepts that with hours like these we all have to accept some short-cuts in terms of quality of food and comfort

he accepts that in times of crisis (having one atm due to dd's mh problems) I may well be working harder than him and be more exhausted and he will need to pitch in and relieve me just as I agreed to pitch in more and relieve him when he got this new and tiring job

he is prepared and able to discuss any arrangements equal to equal rather than laying down the law about what we have to do to suit him

he is good with his children and capable about the house (due to attitude and years of practice), so any work he does at home is a genuine contribution

he accepts that we both have an equal need of leisure time and that weekends have to be organised around that need

basically, we both love each other equally and neither wants to see the other worn down

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/01/2013 09:12

Why isn't it your money? Why can't you spend it freely? Why do you have to ask?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:14

Bea - it's tricky but I actually do 2 school runs because DC are all at different schools. So involves a 30 min walk than 20 min car journey. Which works fine on good days but today will entail youngest going in the car with a sickbowl to collect. Thankfully I got a friend to do drop off.
When I had my 10 year old home she wasn't up to a walk at all, she sat in her pjs in the car.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:15

Chipping - because it's not my money. Those words aren't said but implied. I do have a credit card but every purchase is liable to be questioned.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:18

Sorry Bea didn't answer this. Tomorrow I have to take eldest to some activity so that will be a big chunk of the day. The rest depends on DD, hopefully if she's well enough to be left with DH.

OP posts:
lagoonhaze · 11/01/2013 09:19

This isnt a relationship at all. Think of what you are teaching your children and how you deserve better.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:19

Beginning to think I should have entitled this "AIBU to be tired and fed up because H is a knob" :)

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 11/01/2013 09:22

I think we'd all agree with you there, OP!

Mid-illness is probably not the best time to sort him out, but you know what, I'd let those feelings fester nicely if i were you maybe write it down and do something about it when the kids are back on form.

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 09:22

Please read this OP

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/01/2013 09:23

Oh love, I know this isn't why you started the thread but there's so much wrong here it's awful :(

He goes to work to earn the money
You stay at home and look after the kids to earn the money
You share the money

That's the basic premis of 'one parent working, one parent is the SAHP.

It is not

He goes to work to earn the money
You stay at home to look after the kids, clean the house, cook the meals, do as you are told and have no money

Why are you accepting this arrangement??

Lancelottie · 11/01/2013 09:23

Oh, and you can still claim child benefit. He will have to pay it back next year, but is that your problem? No, it's his. Especially if he leaves you short of other money for you and the kids.

JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 09:25

You deserve so much better and until you see that your life will be shit Sad.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:25

It's been cancelled. I wanted to put it in a high interest account and then sort it out at tax return stage but that didn't happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:27

Chipping - I guess because that has been the arrangement for a very long time. When you meet someone at 17 and you come from a totally dysfunctional family.....how do you know what's right? And when you realise it's not it takes a very long time to realise why!!

I like the idea of letting this fester......I can't even think straight at the moment let alone pick this mess apart.

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 11/01/2013 09:27

You know that things will not get better don't you, you may feel better when you are not ill but this situation will never change.

DH had flu (and I mean flu) for 10 days before xmas, he was still pretty unwell on xmas eve when I came down with it but I barely lifted a finger, I was properly looked after as he was when he was ill. He wasn't actually well at all but thats what you do in a loving relationship - work together to get through illness/tough times etc.

The trouble is, its very hard to give you advice on your OP without sounding really harsh. You do know that his behaviour is really NOT normal don't you?

BTW - you should listen to your dog - she sounds very sensible Grin

grumpyinthemorning · 11/01/2013 09:32

Given the info about the money...is he controlling in other ways? Any friends you dropped because he doesn't like them?

VeganCow · 11/01/2013 09:33

I would love to walk the dog when he's home but can't in the evening as he wants the dinner cooked

Out of order.
Walk the dog, let him feed himself, he sounds like a selfish twat. I would rehome him not the poor dog.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 09:37

I've dropped friends in the past but figured that little game out. It annoys him that I have so many divorced friends, apparently they probably tell me how I can "screw him out of his money". I don't deliberately choose divorced ones! Just the age I am I think.

OP posts:
BeckAndCall · 11/01/2013 09:42

There's clearly more to the OP's situation than just this one bout of family illness. But during this difficult couple of weeks is not the time to make long term arrangements, I don't think. Get through this tough few days and then think about it all afresh.

And grumpy I still disagree with you - I wouldn't expect my DH to come in at 8 and then bath the kids. The OP's kids are all school age - how much supervision do they need? For DHs who come home to bath the kids, we're usually talking babies and toddlers at 6 pm - OP's DH is not in til 8

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 11/01/2013 09:42
Sad

God there are some awful stories about people's relationships on MN but this is one of the worst I've seen.

OP your situation sounds close to slavery - precise instructions on how to cook dinner, no financial resources, no consideration of your health and well being.

Please confide in someone you trust and listen to their advice.

JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 09:44

"his" money? Hmm

It makes me so sad to see so many posts from women who come across as very strong and together who are being well and truly abused by their husbands.

Mumsyblouse · 11/01/2013 09:47

Wow your husband is horrible. I work very long hours, often not in til 8/9 at night, and do you know what, I still do what I can when I get in, even if it just stack the dishwasher and go to bed! On weekends, we go pretty much 50/50. This is normal, and everything you are saying from him complaining about your cooking, to complaining you have divorced friends (can see why he would worry, divorce must look tempting) to his inability to care for his own children on weeekends or any other time, is not normal.

I don't think you are ready to hear that though, as you seem to be avoiding the point that your husband is quite a nasty piece of work and you are choosing to stay with him being like this. There is no sense of you and him being a team, and do you know what, I don't think he'll give you the slightest bit of help with your new business.

I don't know where you can go from here unless you are prepared to face this, but I do think you don't want to (financial insecurity, fear, not wanting to rock the boat). Your husband has worked out exactly how nice and helpful he has to be (not very much at all) for you not to leave him, and I don't think he plans on changing anytime soon. Do you?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/01/2013 09:48

You can ask HMRC to continue your CB payments at any time even though you've stopped them. I would if he leaves you short of money. Let him sort it out on his tax return. My DH has to fill in a tax return anyway so I said I'm not cancelling the payments and he can repay in due course.