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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to resist picking up my screaming baby :(

31 replies

BabyHaribo · 07/01/2013 10:01

DS (11 months) was really poorly all over Xmas and has got used to being cuddled to sleep as this was the only way when he was ill.

I am now trying to get him used to going to sleep in his cot again. He used to be so good at going down.

This morning he SCREAMED and SCREAMED and lay there head banging the side of the cot. I cant bear it do after about 20mins of unsuccessful shushing and patting I gave in and picked him up

DH says I need to be stronger or he will learn screaming = cuddle but it's so hard i hate it when he is screaming - I am being really pfb??

OP posts:

drivingmisspotty · 07/01/2013 10:04

what's wrong with screaming=cuddle? If you were upset wouldn't dh cuddle you?

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 07/01/2013 10:06

No one ever died from a cuddle

mrsjay · 07/01/2013 10:06

pick him up 20 minutes is a long time for a nearly 1 yer old to be crying, I did cc years ago with mine i wouldnt leave them screaming like that, you are not weak ,

Flisspaps · 07/01/2013 10:10

Even with CC or shush pat, I don't see there anything wrong with soothing a hysterical baby with a cuddle.

Babies SHOULD think that they'll get a cuddle if they're really upset. There's a difference between head banging/screaming and crying.

CheungFun · 07/01/2013 10:10

You're just following your instincts - nothing wrong with that!

Sometimes if DS does his special cry then I will pick him up and cuddle him until he stops crying, then put him back down and pat/shush for 5 minutes, then pick him up and calm him down and just repeat the cycle until he falls asleep.

I think if they're crying and screaming that hard they're not going to fall asleep, you need to be calm to be able to fall asleep.

I think by keep putting them back in the cot they know they need to go to sleep, as you're just picking them up to calm them down enough to sleep if that makes sense.

Some types of crying are more a sort of moany cry that you can ignore as you know they will be asleep within a couple of minutes, but you know your baby's cry and what they need.

ledkr · 07/01/2013 10:11

We have just had an unsettled period with dd and I cuddled her almost constantly. It was lovely. I stuck to her bedtime but cuddled her when distressed. Eventually she has made less and less fuss when put down and last night went down ok. If you leave him to cry they will become more insecure not less

Amothersruin · 07/01/2013 10:13

At 11 months there is nothing wrong with wanting to comfort your baby but I also understand where your dh is coming from. I have a friend whose dc is now very nearly 2 and is still up 3/4 times a night screaming. I firmly believe that this is because every time he so much as whimpers he gets a boob thrust in his face so beware of making a rod for your own back....

3ForMe · 07/01/2013 10:13

Not ur at all..
Babies need cuddles.
20 mins is a long time for a baby to be crying.
Do what you feel is right.

He's got the rest of his life to discover life's hard at times, being a baby is not the time to learn that.

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 07/01/2013 10:14

Pick him up let him know your still there. My dd (11 months) is going through the same phase but my older ones went through it as well. I picked them up hugged them and let them sleep with me until they grew out of it and shockingly none of them turned out to be bad sleepers as toddlers.

Original poster

BabyHaribo · 07/01/2013 10:15

I didn't leave him for 20 mins was there the whole time.

I guess I just needed to hear others say it. I love the cuddles even at 2am but DH is less keen. I will continue to do usual routine then cuddle if distressed but shush pat if just moaning.

OP posts:

3ForMe · 07/01/2013 10:16

Also agree with what ledkr said.

I never let dc1 to cry and we cuddled lots.

Now dc1 is a fiercely independent 6 year old who knows we're here for support, love, attention etc whenever he feels he needs it.

Cuddles are a rarity now
Enjoy them while thy last

mrsjay · 07/01/2013 10:17

I didn't leave him for 20 mins was there the whole time.

oh ok i misread sorry , you can tell the different cries and your baby sounded distressed cuddle him,

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/01/2013 10:17

Of course YANBU. Babies need cuddles.

AlphaBeta2012 · 07/01/2013 10:21

agreeing with others DS1 has never been been left to cry at all, if he was upset we were there for him no question. He is almost 2 now and a very happy, healthy, independent little boy who sleeps wonderfully and knows we are here for him whenever he needs love, attention, support etc.
there is a very good reason you can't resist picking him, it is our natural instinct to respond to our baby's needs.

SavoyCabbage · 07/01/2013 10:22

He's your baby. Cuddle him all you want.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2013 10:23

What 3ForMe said. He's got the rest of his life to discover life's hard at times, being a baby is not the time to learn that. is very true.

seeker · 07/01/2013 10:24

Screaming=cuddle is how it works!

Fakebook · 07/01/2013 10:26

Erm no you're not being pfb, you're being a mother. That's what you're supposed to do when your baby cries. .

MichaelaS · 07/01/2013 10:27

Ha! Our nearly 9 mth old still cosleeping because he has never in his life gone to sleep unless 1) in skin to skin contact preferably with a boob or 2) when v tired, well wrapped up and pushed in a pram for at least half an hour or 3) ditto but in car seat being driven.

Rod for my own back? Possibly. But he is a poor sleeper, I need to get some sleep and apparently he can do without.

He won't be doing it at 15 so enjoy it. I still can't understand people who can listen to their baby cry and cry (not just whinge) and not pick them up. They need human contact, reassurance, helping to calm them and soothe them. That is what being a mummy is all about, surely?

Wallison · 07/01/2013 10:29

I think learning screaming = cuddle is the best kind of lesson to learn - it will teach him that when he needs you, you are there. And eventually he will get to need you less and less. The alternative is to learn that screaming = being ignored, the thought of which makes me go cold.

noblegiraffe · 07/01/2013 10:30

There's a reason you can't help cuddling your screaming baby. It's because it will stop him screaming, and quite quickly, in a way that going 'shush' won't.
Going shush is for when they're just moaning a bit.

Desichick · 07/01/2013 10:37

you are not being unreasonable, cuddles are the most natural thing for a mum to want to give her baby, my three are all teenagers and I loved cuddling them to soothe tears/pain, I also think they have a calmer personality when soothed and cuddled. Don't understand when they can't talk why would you let them scream and cry instead?

FanFuckingTastic · 07/01/2013 10:40

Cuddles are great. I still cuddle my children at seven and four when they cry. If they need to be cuddled to sleep, that's fine by me. They are welcome in my bed even, so long as it's to cuddle up and sleep, not climb all over me like my DD does. I don't think it is at all possible to spoil a child with cuddles.

McNewPants2013 · 07/01/2013 10:42

Yanbu my DC are free to have hugs when ever they want or need one.

Mumsyblouse · 07/01/2013 10:51

Well, I disagree slightly with some people on this thread, if you have a child who has slept very well previously, then had an unsettled period for a while due to illness, then can't get back into good sleep habits, I would be looking to getting them back into a routine of sleeping. So, putting them down same time every day, patting and shushing but gradual withdrawal if you feel most comfortable with that. But there's nothing wrong with thinking it important to sort out unless you do want to lie next to them for the coming months to get them to sleep, I wouldn't at all.

I personally let my dd1 cry for a good 20/30 min after an unsettled period of illness once at naptime and once at night, she really did scream, but then the next day just went into the cot and slept through the night as she did before the illness (around 9/10 months). I felt getting her settled and having good rest again was more important than worrying about her crying for a short while. She's 9 now and has lots of cuddles everyday!

I think your phrasing of the title is emotive- and everyone wants to cuddle their children- but if you had said 'AIBU' to want my previously great sleeper to return to being a good sleeper, no-one would think you were being unreasonable, even if they might disagree on how to achieve it.

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