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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking if someone's pregnant when they're not

77 replies

rebeccacraig0001 · 07/01/2013 09:47

Not sure if this is the right place for this thread?? My question is : how sure must you be before you ask if someone is pregnant? Do you think some people ask as a kind of sideways bitchy remark that basically is a way of saying you're fat without having to say it? I've had a few people ask recently, one particular person at my husbands Xmas do who knows I have just had a baby (because her words were "Rebecca, you were pregnant LAST year, did you not learn your lesson") and it's really starting to get me down, especially as I have lost 2 stone and am back in my pre-baby jeans. Clearly I still look pregnant then....
Have you ever asked someone without them being pregnant? How did you react when they said they're not? Or what smart things can I say back, when what I really want to do is cry??

OP posts:
DozyDuck · 07/01/2013 09:49

My friend used to say 'no I'm just fat' (even though she wasn't at all)

It used to stop them in their tracks and make them very Blush

thebody · 07/01/2013 09:51

It's extremely rude to try to 'out' a pregnant woman.

Mind your business I say and wait until you are told by the pregnant one.

Flobbadobs · 07/01/2013 09:51

Never ask is my rule! If they are pg and want to tell me then I wait for them to mention. If not Ijust keep it shut.
I have been asked though and it does hurt abit (which is why I never say anything). I would usually just get embarrassed and bluster a bit but the last time I just said "no, I've put some weight on". Cue slightly mortified pause.. Grin

Bluestocking · 07/01/2013 09:54

I know this doesn't help you, rebecca, but I can't believe anyone would be stupid/insensitive/crass enough to ask a woman if she's pregnant! It's just so rude. Perhaps you should say to them "you may not be aware of this matter of etiquette, but it's actually extremely rude to ask a woman if she's pregnant".

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 07/01/2013 09:56

People should never ask unless you mention it first. How rude.

mumzy · 07/01/2013 09:56

Never ask, wait to be told is my motto. I've had experiences of it and found it distressing and embarrassing. The first time a colleague asked when I was about 10 weeks pg. i had had a mc previously and didn't want others to know until I was at least 12 wks. The other time was i had put on some weight and was feeling quite self concious any way.

GrimmaTheNome · 07/01/2013 09:57

People who ask are BU. Either you're not pregnant, or you are and don't want people to know yet. They're being rude either way. Its quite normal for women to still have a bit of a bump after pregnancy.

I think this is one of those situations that calls for the MN "Did you mean to be so rude?".

TeamSledward · 07/01/2013 09:59

Never assume a woman is pg unless you can actually see a baby exiting her body...

bottleofbeer · 07/01/2013 10:01

Rule of thumb - if you have to ask then you're clearly not sure. If you're not sure then don't mention it because there's as much chance they aren't as they are and you're going to cause offence and upset.

Again, if you have to ask then you don't know them well enough to know about or be asking about a pregnancy.

I had this the day before my wedding (seriously, of all the times you're ultra conscious of how you look...) I'd gone in for a spray tan and had been told to wear something loose. I wore a floaty smock top for that exact reason and the first thing the beautician asked was when I was due. Although it's unintentional it's sooooo upsetting to be asked. So, in doubt? don't ask. Really.

Piffpaffpoff · 07/01/2013 10:03

Never ask, ever. I was asked once and said 'no I'm not but clearly I'm just very fat' and then I enjoyed watching the silly bitch who really should have known better asker splutter and get embarrassed.

BarredfromhavingStella · 07/01/2013 10:03

Woman I know asked me if I was expecting again a few weeks ago-was very Hmm as was before Christmas so had not even been stuffing my face with goodies.

You shouldn't ask unless it's blatantly obvious.

Tee2072 · 07/01/2013 10:29

The only time it is okay to ask a woman if she's pregnant is if you can see a head coming out of her vagina.

specialsubject · 07/01/2013 10:35

I don't think there is any social situation in which the comment made to you is anything other than bloody rude.

and no, you don't ask. Any more than you pat pregnant women on the stomach. What's wrong with people?

Fakebook · 07/01/2013 10:38

My friend was once given a seat on the tube because the man thought she was pregnant. She was very embarrassed but went along with it and sat down! I didn't know what to say, but I thought the man was a true gentleman. So, i think its very unreasonable and rude to assume or suggest a woman is pregnant.

Tailtwister · 07/01/2013 10:42

You definitely don't ask, ever. DH did it at a wedding once to an old uni friend of his and it was one of the most mortifying experiences of my life. I still cringe when I think about it and live in fear of him ever doing it again. I watch him like a hawk now!

The only time it's happened to me was when I was in JL about 8 weeks after DS1 was born. Admittedly, I was wearing one of those floaty princess line type tops so probably did look pregnant. This old lady poked me in the stomach and said 'what have you got in there then?'. I was so stunned I didn't answer. She sloped off, embarrassed.

Weasleyismyking · 07/01/2013 11:05

Grin at the image of someone (presuming midwife/doctor) asking me if I'm pregnant when the babys head is going out of my vagina Smile

PeshwariNaan · 07/01/2013 11:08

DO NOT ASK. If she doesn't want to tell you, it's absolutely none of your business. Most people don't want to tell their friends until after the 12-week scan anyway. I was put on the spot by a very nosy friend and had to lie - extremely uncomfortable.

Tee2072 · 07/01/2013 11:20

Weasleyismyking it was either Miss Manners or Emily Post who said you should never ask unless you can see a baby head. I do not think she actually used the word vagina, though. Grin

Pourquoimoi · 07/01/2013 11:29

A friend had someone write congratulations all over Facebook after seeing a photo of her and assuming she was pregnant. She wasn't pregnant and wasn't happy at all Angry.

Tbh it wasn't a flattering picture of my friend but I was stunned someone would even consider writing that if they weren't 100% sure.

Rule of thumb is never ask unless you already know!, or very big hints are given.

SomeoneInCam · 07/01/2013 11:30

oops happened to me too. Once was a year after DD2 was born Shock and I just had to laugh it off as I was overweight (but no worse than the preceding year)

Recently again - I have to add that I lost 2st >two years ago, kept if off until last summer and it's recently been creeping up a little, which just seems to go straight back to the mummy tummy area only. So a not-too-close school mum friend asked and I had to laugh it off again, I am fairly aware of that I look like at the moment anyway Blush - but this case it might be a cultural thing she might have thought she was complimenting me had I been so I'm not bitter Grin.

But I agree: never ever ask. Even if you are sure!

Moominsarehippos · 07/01/2013 11:34

Just don't do it.

When I was pregnant someone in a meeting said 'so I hear congratulations are in order!' I don't know what I did it (we used to leg pull quite a bit) but I said 'what? No, I've just put on a bit of weight!' He was mortified and apologised for weeks until it was pretty obvious! He did get his own back though later.

To another mum at school after the school summer holidays "oh are you,
pregnant again?! That's lovely", "Ermmm, no. I was staying with my parents and my mum is a really good cook..."

Red faces all round really.

RainyAfternoon · 07/01/2013 12:39

Happened a few times to me - mostly around when I'd just got married. I have a real pot belly. It's such a stupid thing to ask - but the last time I did just laugh and say, 'No I'm just fat and changed the conversation' and I didn't feel so bad. Ridiculous people around.

PurpleStorm · 07/01/2013 13:09

I don't think you should ever ask anyone if they're pregnant.

With the exception of medical personnel who are in a position where they're going to prescribe medication or do tests that could possibly cause harm to an unborn baby.

The only time I got asked this (wasn't pregnant), the person doing the asking was a lot more embarrassed than I was.

nannyof3 · 07/01/2013 13:20

When i was being examined in a&e once by a doctor, he asked how many babies i had, had.... Er, none!!

HoratiaWinwood · 07/01/2013 13:21

I currently have what looks like a 5-/6-month bump. I didn't have it before Christmas. I wore DH's jumper on the school run this morning to avoid well-meaning questioning.

It isn't mince pies; I'm miscarrying. And frankly it's the last conversation I want to have with people I don't know very well in front of small children.

I agree: you wait for heavy hints or contractions.

But... I help with a local antenatal support group, and constantly have to ambush pg women to advertise the group. I recommend such leading questions as "are you planning to have any more children at any point?" or "I'm so glad is pregnant" even though generally those would be rude in normal conversation.